Addiction and Ignorance.

I like to read Canada.com to keep up with what is going on in my hometown of Vancouver. Today there is a report of yet another gangland shooting. I read the comments section. The consensus is overwhelming. Change the immigration policy and bring back the death penalty. Like that is going to stop drug trafficking. Has it worked in the states? I think not. The people in prisons there are animals. I know this first hand from hearing my husband's stories about his time in state institutions. People still think that addiction is the result of immorality. Why don't we look at it for what it is? A disease. Not a choice. Prohibition isn't working. It didn't work in the US either. Do we want to fix the problem? Fix the source. And the source is not the drug suppliers. The source is the family. We live in a world where instant gratification is abundant. Hungry now? Go to McDonald's. In five minutes, you can eat your burger and fries. Plus, then mommy and daddy have spent quality time together as the children gobble down their food and run off to play in Mcplayland. What happened to family dinners? This is a holiday ritual now. How many hours a week do parents actually spend with their kids? Come home from work, pick the children up at daycare, where they have spent the last 10 hours, home by 5, plunk children in front of TV or playstation, or drive them to extra language lessons, karate, soccer, ballet, genius classes, home again by 6:30, fast dinner, then tv or playstation till 7:30 8, then bed. So how much time are parent's actually spending with their parents? How many people are actually involved in their children's lives? Be the best, be the best, this is their refrain. Get the best marks, be the best athlete, ballerina, genius. Pressure pressure pressure. Grow up, go to university, get a degree in something practical, make a lot of money, so you too can live in a 900 000 dollar one bedroom condo in Vancouver. Or....grow up, mediocre, never have the ability to go to university, either because you don't have the grades or you can't afford it because your parent(s) were "welfare bums" who spent most of their time worrying about how they were going to feed you (This is not so different from people who make good money, but their expenses end up being greater as they have more)and as a result aren't there for you emotionally, so you grow up thinking, I will never be like my parents, I want a different life for my children, but what can I do? I have no education and working at Wal Mart isn't going to let me feed my children or buy overpriced property so why should I bother? Yes, drug dealing is dangerous, but it pays well if I am good at it. And, I can make 100 000 dollars in a day! What would you choose?
8 bucks an hour to work at Wal Mart, or 100 000 dollars working one day a week?
Money money money. Money is the higher power. Let's get back to the family. Better social programs, equal opportunity education, help for single parents, stop cutting these programs. Model it after the scandinavian countries who always rank in the top for standard of living. Why continue to strive to be America? It is not the land of opportunity. Not anymore.

On to other things. Chaya is back asleep. I had a brief break in this blog as she woke up and the poor little thing is miserable. She is getting a tooth and her little nose is all stuffy and she is whiny whiny whiny. Poor thing. But I can't believe how much she has grown! In the last three weeks she has started to pull herself up to standing holding onto something, started crawling, sitting by herself and now she has a tooth! It goes so darn fast! I am glad that I can be here to watch it though, daily.
She really is amazing and it is so strange to think that this thing came out of my body. I can't believe that in 5 months, I will be experiencing all of this all over again with my new baby girl.
David was so funny at the ultrasound. When the doctor said that we were having another girl, I looked at David and said "What's the matter with you? You can't make boys?" But secretly I was hoping for a girl. All right, not so secretly, I told everyone I wanted a girl. When we got outside, David said "So now we have to try for a boy!" I was like "This one isn't even out yet, are you insane?" It is especially funny, as this is the same man who told me when we first met "We Malul's only bring boys!" Hmmm. Guess not this Malul! One son so far...two girls...Finally the women will outnumber the boys. I know the reason too. I have a theory that you get the sex that you have the most trouble with, as a way of working through your issues. David has issues with women...therefore girls. Maybe I also have issues still with women. Hence the girls.

I had other ideas for blogging, but I can't remember them now, so when I do, I will try to get them down. I am neglecting house duties in order to write this, but it felt good to get it down yesterday.

I must do what I can now in order to get the house in shape before Emil comes home now. It is windy and chilly here today, after two days of scorching hot weather. A break.

Running Errands the Israeli way!

It is 8:40 am and there is quiet in the house. Chaya is asleep, Emil is at school and David is at work. For days I have been wanting to blog, but haven't found the quiet, solitude or energy to do so. Either I am preoccupied with household tasks or tired out from doing household tasks. It is a much different life than I had pre children and pre marriage.
I have to admit, sometimes I long for a week away at a hotel, alone with myself, my thoughts and my feelings. David said awhile ago, that if he got a bunch of money he would make sure that I would take some to do whatever I wanted with it, buy new clothes, go for a mani and pedi, etc. I laughed and said, What I would really like is a week away in Eilat, alone to sleep for a week. It wasn't so long ago that I was complaining about how bored I was, with nothing to do and no one to talk to. This proves that we don't know what we've got till it's gone!

Life here continues to be difficult for us. It seems that it is always one thing or another. What is life like here in Israel? I will try to paint you a picture of what my day was like on Sunday.

When I came to Israel, I was in such a hurry to start at an ulpan to learn Hebrew, so that I could learn the language and also get out and meet people. But I couldn't do that until I was a citizen of Israel. At the Interior Ministry, where they deal with immigration, they expedited my request and in so doing, they gave me my status before I actually was a citizen of Israel. So on my Israeli ID, it didn't state my citizenship. Off I went to ulpan, and taking advantage of the opportunities afforded to a new immigrant here, under the Law of Return. I had no idea that they hadn't put Israeli on my ID. I had full rights, received the new immigrant stipend and was able to register for a health fund. I did all my prenatal care paid for by my health fund and there was no problem. However, in Israel, when you go to the hospital, it is Biteuach Leumi who takes care of hospital bills. Biteuach Leumi is basically National Insurance, which covers welfare, children's allowance, hospital stays etc etc. So when I went to the hospital, they saw no citizenship on my ID card and thought that I was a private case and a month after giving birth to Chaya, we were sent a bill for approximately 2000 dollars. We were shocked but went to Biteuach Leumi who said that they would fix it. At least I am pretty sure that is what happened, as David dealt with it and sometimes his memory is not so reliable. About two weeks ago I received a collections letter from the hospital for this money. Needless to say, I was shocked and also furious, as this meant a trip to the National Insurance office, which is never a simple straightforward thing. On Sunday, off I went, with Chaya in tow, the stroller packed to the brim with diapers and bottle and toys and papers that I needed. I got to the office, bright and early, as I find when dealing with the government agencies, it is usually better to go first thing in the morning, as it is less crowded then. I arrived there and first thing you must do is go to a counter to get a number and be told what booth to wait in front of. I gave them the papers and said in my broken Hebrew "I need this" They looked at me like I was an alien and didn't know what to do. Do I speak Russian? No. English. English, oh no, that's a problem. A problem? To speak English in a government agency? How surprising! Finally she gave me a number and I went to the line up. I was optimistic, as the line wasn't that long and I thought, hey, maybe it won't be as complicated as I think! WRONG! Why haven't I learned yet, that in Israel, nothing is NOT complicated. The girl working didn't seem to understand what I wanted, even though I gave her the papers and in a mix of Hebrew and English, explained to her the situation. She phoned her superior who said that I needed to get another paper from the hospital that said How long I had stayed there. I am like, "Who cares, how long I was there, pay the bill!" In the meantime, I phoned David to tell him that they wanted another paper and he was all like "OK, so that is what we do!" And I responded with "OH NO WE WILL NOT! I AM NOT LEAVING HERE TILL THEY FIX IT!" David said "OK Even better!" She directed me towards another lady who also was confused as to how to help me and couldn't figure it out, then asked if I spoke French, which normally I do, but by this time, I was furious, my patience having been quickly eroded and I couldn't get out what I needed in French, so in a mixture of French, Hebrew and English, I yelled "All you need to do is pay the bill! It is your responsibility to pay for it, so pay it! Why should I have to worry about 2000 dollars? Just pay the damn bill!" Finally, I was directed towards the manager, where I had to wait in line for half an hour to see him and then he told me not to worry, that he would take care of it and that I could just go home. This was an hour and a half later. Which in the long run, is not too bad, considering, I could have been there all morning!
I guess the thing that gets me about going to any of these agencies, the post office, the bank, any ministry, is simply because no one seems to ever have any idea what they are doing. No one ever leaves with a smile. I swear, I didn't see one person at the National Insurance leave happy. Everyone is yelling and screaming. On the one hand, I feel sorry for the employees of these places, as it is a super hard job, here, dealing with the Israeli public, but on the other hand, everytime you go to them with something it is like the automatic response is "No." They really need to watch Bob The Builder. "Can we fix it? YES WE CAN!" Someone should create a workshop for them. Or the little engine that could "I think I can I think I can I think I can." Seriously, no one seems to be properly trained and no one can speak enough English either. At least here in Ashdod. This has been a major thorn in my side since I have lived here, there are russians, in fact they have a russian translator at the office, and several people who speak fluent french, but English? Nope. And it doesn't make sense, they learn it in School, it is all over tv, they listen to american music...I am just glad I am not a manadarin speaker living in Israel. Baruch Hashem for that.

So after that experience, I decided to brave another office, my health fund's office, as I needed to be reimbursed for two tests that I took for this pregnancy. This was another source of fear for me, as every time I have braved it on my own there, it has been a disaster. But since I was on an errand roll, I decided to do it. Off I went, hoping and praying that the mean Russian woman who I had encountered my first times there and always seemed to end up getting after waiting my turn in line and who nearly gave me a nervous breakdown on many occasion, wouldn't be there. In fact, one time, she basically threw my documents at me and refused to speak to me anymore and I left bawling my eyes out and ended up calling David and screaming at him for not coming with me. This was when I first arrived here. He did end up coming with me and ended up yelling at her for being so mean to me. Well, I arrived at Maccabi Health Fund, prepared for the wait and played with Chaya, who had been so patient and well behaved. I felt the anxiety mount, but I noticed with relief that Miss meany mcrussian wasn't there, so that relieved some apprehension. But then, there is the language barrier. Fortunately the lady who helped me spoke the same amount of English as I do Hebrew so we were able to figure out what I needed and it WAS actually straightforward and finished in two minutes and she was very kind and helpful. I left feeling a little more calm than I had when I walked in!

Then it was off to do some grocery shopping, as I have also figured out that if I go grocery shopping on Sunday, it is very slow and you never have to wait in line very long. So that is when I like to go.

Chaya was just so patient, having a meltdown 200 meters from our house, and I was pretty impressed with her sweetness.

And then I felt like I had accomplished so much and fell exhausted onto the couch to watch Dr. Phil and await Emil's 2:00 arrival from school!

This is a glimpse of life in Israel. I have more to write, but I hear my little princess stirring in her crib. I will try to blog again soon.

Thoughts from a pregnant brain

I swear, I don't think I will ever sleep again. Apparently what I am having as far as two pregnancies close together has a word, it is called Irish Twins. This baby is due 4 days after Chaya's first birthday, but it could come early or later, but they will still be considered Irish twins. Funny. I learned this on the Babycentre Pregnancy Boards, one of my new addictions.
Today I have a sinus headache. Started to get it last night so when David comes home tonight, I will take a hot bath and put a warm cloth on my nose for the pain. It just intensifies the exhaustion. Yesterday I was so tired that I could barely even lift Chaya up. It is so hard and last night I was almost in tears feeling sorry for myself. I just want to sleep. That is all I want to do. And you know, when Chaya is sleeping, I try to sleep but can't. It sucks. Yesterday I tried shutting the blinds in the bedroom but it didn't work. And last night, little Miss JAP went to sleep at 8 pm and woke up at quarter to 10 ready to play. I put her in her crib and she started screaming, so David went and picked her up and she looked over at me with this huge grin like she was saying "See, if you won't do it, Daddy will!" She really does have David wrapped around her finger. So we put her on the floor because she is starting to really work hard on her tummy. She is pushing her little butt up and balancing on her knees and hands, like she is getting ready to take off. Last night, she actually moved her legs forward before she fell flat on her face. I am amazed at how fast she is developing. And she can sit by herself now for a little while. She is such a strong baby. And everday, I fall more and more in love with her. She really is such a happy baby and friendly.

So it seems as if Israel is gearing up for war. First they said war with Syria in the summer, and that didn't happen and now it is war sometime in the next few weeks. I think after the invasion by Israel to Syria, it is getting more and more serious. Condoleeza Rice is here today to allegedly discuss a middle east peace conference, but I doubt it. I think Bush wants to invade Syria and Iran before he leaves office and he needs Israel to do it for him. Yom Kippur is coming up, and I think people are nervous about it because of the Yom Kippur war in 67. Israel comes to a standstill on Yom Kippur, kind of like North America on Christmas Day. No one drives, no one does anything. It is amazing that Yom Kippur is the biggest holiday. It is the day of atonement and you are to fast on that day. Even non religious people observe that day. There is nothing on TV, all the stations stop broadcasting. It is amazing. So if there is a war, everyone is at home, except, of course, the army. Not like last time...

I had an intention to blog about feminism, but my head hurts and I want to go and lie down for a few minutes before Emil comes home from school. I will finish later, hopefully.

Living In Israel

Sometimes people ask me what it is like to live in Israel. I know they mean because of the political situation, and I think that is self explanatory. It is not easy to live here amidst constant threat of war, violence etc. But there are so many things that disappoint me about this country. Perhaps it is because I am a spoiled North American, or perhaps there is something seriously wrong with this country.
Today was Emil's first day at school. The school has a bus that we are paying to pick him up. On Friday, David went to school with Emil and paid for the bus and was told that the driver would call him either before shabbat or after shabbat to let him know what time we should be downstairs for pick up. We didn't hear from him until close to 10 o'clock. He said 7:30. I, being the Canadian that I am was downstairs at 20 after 7 with Emil, baby and dog. We waited and waited...and waited...and waited. No bus. At 10 to 8 we went upstairs to check the phone to see if perhaps they had phoned. Nope. So I started to walk Emil to school and was a quarter of the way there when I saw a bus stop and I asked where they were going and lo and behold he was going to Emil's school. I put Emil in there and walked back home. Disorganization, I sighed. An Israeli phenomenon. Everywhere you go here, it is disorganized. All government agencies. All banks, everywhere that is supposed to be organized. I thought beaurocracy was bad in Denmark and sometimes at home in Canada, but it is nothing compared to Israel. If you ask someone for something, almost inevitably the first answer you will get is "NO". Then you have to bring more papers and more papers and more papers. It almost never ends. I have a hard time getting used to this. It is frustrating and that is an understatement. We are having a hard time financially and David applied for welfare 9 months ago. We haven't received a cent. Last week, they said that some money would be in our account in a day or two. That was Wednesday, still not there. And they have to pay you a lump sum for the back pay. It doesn't make sense. And everytime we think we are close to getting the money, they tell us, oh, sorry we need another paper, proof of this, proof of that. A third of this country's children live in poverty. Can you understand why now?
So last night, David was very nervous about Emil's first day of school. On Friday, Emil had been playing and some of the older kids told him he was ugly black. (Let me clarify for those of you who aren't aware, Emil is biracial) Apparently Emil said back to them that they are ugly white. Good for him. Today, however, he came home and told me the same kids once again called him a nigger. A nigger. And the strange thing is, here in Ashdod, there are many Ethiopian Jews. And Jews from India who are East Indian, complete with saris. Judaism isn't a caucasian stream, there are people of many backgrounds, heights, colors, etc, but within their own country, they are so racist towards one another. Once David and I were talking about this and he quoted someone who said this, I think, that the reason the Muslims are able to continue their terrorist activities and are hard to stop is because they are united in their religion. Jews are not. We fight each other every step of the way. We are a nation divided. A people divided. Everywhere you go. In North America and much of the western nations, it is the Reform vs conservative vs orthodox. Within orthodoxy there are divides amongst the various hassidic groups. We were in Jerusalem two weeks ago and Emil came to me and said, very upset "I don't think I am Jewish" and I said "Why?" And he told me that a kid outside had told him that he was a goy (Jewish for non Jew). We were in a very Hassidic part of town and I don't know if it was because Emil did something that broke shabbat or if it is because we don't dress him like a Hasid, or if it is because he is black and the Ethiopians who came had to convert. And many Hassidic sects believe that anyone who isn't like them is not Jewish and some of them don't believe in conversion. I don't know, but my point in this is that it illustrates the divide amongst the people. Maybe Jews could get a lesson from the Ba'hais with their mantra of one g-d, one people.
It makes me angry. This makes me angry. It is so unfair. We would have problems everywhere with Emil due to his color, I have been watching Oprah. It is not easy to be black. And then to add on top of that Jewish. Black and Jewish. I worry for him. I really do. It breaks my heart. It really does.
The good thing about North America and at least what I noticed in Canada, is that people are more educated about what they say. They know that outright racism won't be tolerated and is against the law. So I believe that there are fewer incidents of racism in North America. Emil questioned his color when we were in Canada, but was much more accepting of himself and his friends and people he came into contact with were not outright bigots. It makes me sick.
These kids today not only called him a nigger, but also stupid. What could I say? I asked him "Do you think you are stupid? Do you think you are ugly because you are black?" He said no. Finally. There was a time when he would have said yes. Then I explained to him that kids are mean. They are all mean and that he is going to have to deal with this all his life. I told him that when I was little kids used to make fun of me because they said that I had a big nose. In fact, it wasn't kids but my family who would make fun of me. My mother and sisters and brother. I grew up hating my nose. Then when I was 10 I developed breasts early and I was ashamed of that. That was a peer thing. I always hated my big nose and ample bosom. And look how many people pay to have their breast enlarged and G-d gave a natural set of honkin bonkers. And I hated them. The two things that I wanted were a nose job and breast reduction. Now, I have accepted my nose and don't give it much thought, but my chest has always been a source of embarrassment for me. I just want to be able to teach Emil that his differences should be celebrated and not a place of shame. It is hard. Really hard.
So, that is a little bit about living in Israel. The day to day things that annoy me about this country. The little things that can drive me to want to throw things and have tantrums. Sad.
Oh Canada, home and native land....

Sometimes I read other people's blogs and I just think, wow! They are almost poetic in their writing. Then I think I wish I could be that way in mine...Sigh.
Where to begin? I was contemplating changing the name of this blog, to something like life with children, because the pregnant thing wasn't fitting anymore. But guess what? I appear to be very much pregnant with number 2! So now I don't have to change the name!
I was noticing that Chaya seemed to be rejecting the breast and that I was dreaming a lot of very vivid dreams, which sometimes happens to me right before a period. Then I was going to the bathroom a lot, but I thought that was because I was drinking a lot of water and frankly, I have never had a very strong bladder! But then I didn't menstruate when I was supposed to. Which I thought, well it might just be due to breastfeeding. Well, lo and behold, I am with bun in the oven, one more time.
I have to say I wasn't very pleased. Chaya is only 5 months old, and if my calculations are right, this means that new baby should arrive right around Chaya's first birthday. I was disappointed because I wanted more time with Chaya, just me and her, without having more distractions than there already are. Plus, I wanted to breastfeed longer, and I no that one can breastfeed and be pregnant at the same time, however, Chaya hasn't wanted to unless she needs to sleep. I was finally starting to enjoy breastfeeding too. Plus, things have been very difficult financially for us, so there are so many things that make it hard to accept. But it is a reality and what is done is done. Fortunately so far, the biggest problem has been terrible moodswings. I am not super nauseous and in fact have only thrown up twice, this morning being one of those times. Otherwise, it is normal. But then I felt guilty for feeling disappointed. I know that there are so many other women out there who are having trouble conceiving or can't have children at all and I should be grateful, but really, I think, why am I deserving and these women not? I don't know, major mixed feelings about this.
Emil starts school on Friday. He is excited about this. I am excited about this. I feel guilty as I haven't had the energy to spend with him this summer. And he has been pretty bored and lonely. So it will be nice for him to be back in the social setting of school. He likes school, I can only hope that that will last him his whole school career. We so want our children to succeed where we didn't. I want my kids to go to university, to study and do well in school. I would like to go back to university. I don't know what I would like to study but I would like to learn again. And to finish a degree now, that would be a great role model for the kids. Maybe when we go back to Canada, I can do one class a semester and by the time I am fifty I could have a BA. You know, it wouldn't really matter how much time it took, it would just be nice to do it, I think. To accomplish it. My Dad was 42 when he got his PHD. Not bad.
But I also want my kids to be happy, doing whatever they are doing. I have hopes and dreams for them, but the most important thing is if they are happy doing what they are doing, be it a doctor or a cashier at McDonald's, then so be it! Yes, this is easy to say when they are 6 and 5 months, we will see how I will feel in 20 years about their choices!
Hey. Friend from Norway, I would love to answer some of your questions regarding living in Israel and Israeli politics, but I want to keep this blog as much as I can about the kids and pregnancy. If you want to send me a comment with your email address I would be happy to be an email penpal for you. All of the comments that I receive must be approved by me before being published on this page, so I just wouldn't publish your comment with your email address.
OK, good night everyone.

Kid Update

Well, I think I am over the shock of my actions. It's been a crazy couple of weeks, months, years, whatever.
As if things couldn't go more wrong, Emil had somehow contracted lice, I have no idea where or how, as he isn't in school or camp and the only place I can think that it might have happened was at his cousins in Haifa, but they didn't seem to be itching their heads when they came here to visit. So I don't really know how it happened but it did, so David shaved his head and I bought lice shampoo as I had a sneaking suspicion that perhaps I had it too. So I spent the last Friday before shabbat shampooing and combing through my hair. I have now done three treatments as I keep feeling itchy. I will do another one tomorrow and that should be it. I think it is gone now, unless I think about it...I haven't had lice since I was six.
Then I was terrified that the baby has it but I can't tell the difference between the flakes from her cradle cap and lice eggs. I keep looking for lice but haven't found any yet. Baruch Hashem.
Chaya is getting super funny now. She has figured out that she has a voice and isn't afraid to use it so she has now taken to yelling and screaming. It is pretty entertaining. And she can laugh pretty well now. It cracks me up. She also seems to have forgotten how to turn from her tummy to her back but now she turns from her back to her tummy and then gets stuck. Then she gets really mad and starts to scream. She sure has a temper. And she has found her toes and gets upset when she can't stick them into her mouth. I think with all her frustration she is going to push herself to do things and be quick. I think she is pretty funny. She adores Emil. She watches him wherever he goes and just waits for him to make her smile. Sometimes she smiles when she sees him in anticipation of what he is going to do to make her laugh. It is adorable. Seriously.
Emil has made a leap from baby to taking the big boy thing really seriously. I think perhaps his two weeks with his cousins made him feel really special because he could be on vacation by himself. Now he goes to the park in front of our house by himself and takes the elevator and knows the way. He is really proud of this accomplishment and although I am still a little uncomfortable with it, I let him continue because I see how good it has been for his self esteem and confidence. He feels really responsible and grown up because of this. I am proud of him. Now he wants to do EVERYTHING by himself, get his own cheerios and drinks. The other day I was trying to nap with Chaya and I heard him rooting around amongst the dishes in the kitchen and I came out and he was about to pour himself shabbat wine, which is only grape juice, but we keep it especially for shabbat. I stopped him in time. But it was cute nonetheless. He really has grown up and will be starting grade one in September. He turns six in three weeks and I am still trying to figure out how to have a party for him on a small budget.
So that is the news of the kids.

I think I'm turning Israeli, I think I'm turning Israeli, I really think so...

Well, I just experienced my first case of the protective mother instinct. What do they call it? The lion instinct? I can't remember. It's either that or I have really become Israeli.
I took the kids and the dog to the playground today and we were the only ones there for a little while. The dog was sitting nicely beside me lounging and sleeping. This is what she normally does. She is an old dog, almost near her end. Anyway, these older russian ladies come, I will call them the Russian nanny mafia. This lady tells me to move with the dog. It's a huge park, with a lot of space, so why they need to sit exactly where I am sitting, I have no idea. I told her no I wasn't moving. That she could move. And she plopped herself down and refused to move and continued yelling at me. I'm like what? So I yelled a few choice words at her in English and then she told me she was going to call the police. Seriously, because I wouldn't move with the dog. I laughed, because in a country where there is a constant threat of terrorist acts, the police will only come if you are dying. I know, we called them once when some kids came to our door and wouldn't leave (that's a story for a different time and doesn't involve me directly). So, I laughed and told her to go ahead, call them over a dog. So all was quiet for a little while, when the dog decided to move her position and came and plopped herself down at this woman's feet, which I have to say, I thought it was a little funny. Now, I had the baby on my lap and the woman starts to yell at me again, half in russian half in Hebrew. I told her that I had been here first and she could move, and then she grabbed my arm, to which I ashamedly admit, I slapped her in the face. Then she grabbed my arm and scratched me with her long fake russian nails. I couldn't believe it. Then SHE threatened to call the police on me. I told her to go ahead. Anyway, she won finally because I was so furious that I was afraid that I would hurt her more and then I really would have been in trouble. So I called Emil and we left. But as I was leaving I said very nicely in English that I hope she dies a horrible death of cancer. In Danish, how they swear is by saying something like, "May cancer eat your mother". Good that it came in handy today.
Okay, I know this is insanity but it's the PRINCIPLE of the thing. I am tired of people in Israel pushing me around. Seriously, the only way to survive here is to be tough and sometimes aggressive in physical ways. Besides, if someone tries to hurt me with my child in my arms, you can bet that I am going to react unreasonably.
Oh sigh. Just another day in Israel.
This was my first fight in my life. I have never in my life hit another human being. Well, not those that weren't my brothers and sisters. I called David and he told me well done. I think I made him feel better about himself and then he told me to call my sponsor. The funny thing is, that this happened just as I was reading step 3 and 4 in the big book. How Ironic!

Day from Hell

Oh my god! What a day from hell! This is the beginning of Emil's summer holiday, so it was my first day with the two kids alone. David has finally found some work and was off to work today. So we go to the park in the morning until about 11 where we met an American woman who is here on vacation with her three kids. This was nice, to be able to chat a little with someone in English. She isn't really my cup of tea, but whatever...Then we come home and the baby wants to nurse pretty much every hour, which I am finding really frustrating and don't know why this is happening. She is three months old for pete's sake! But the day goes pretty smoothly and then she falls asleep finally for a long nap and I get the dishes done and the floor swept. I debate cleaning the floor but I don't know how long the baby is going to sleep and I want to do something just me and Emil. So he and I bake a cake, a banana cake and we have a good time doing that and then I have a brilliant idea that I will make homemade pizza for dinner. So I throw some oil, flour water and yeast together and think, okay, now I have to go to the store to buy some mushrooms and some tomato sauce. So Emil lollywags getting his shoes on (at about age 4 and 5 it takes them 3 hours to do ANYTHING!) and we finally get out the door. We get downstairs and Chaya decides that is the moment she needs to wake up. It is 5 o'clock. So back upstairs we go and feed her and back outside we go. 5:30. She cries the whole way to the market and back again. As usual. She seems to pretty much hate leaving the house. She may be agoraphobic. We get back inside and I am so so frustrated. I sit down to nurse her AGAIN! I am doing that when all of a sudden I look down at the floor and there is like an inch of water everywhere all of a sudden. I throw Chaya (Literally) into her crib and run to the kitchen. The tube that connects the hot water from the tap in the wall to the tap on the sink has burst and hot water is flying everywhere. I turn off the tap and now I have to set about cleaning all this water. 6:15 pm. I am trying to do it as quickly as I can. In the meantime, I put too much oil in the pizza dough, so it is a bust. Emil hasn't really eaten since 11:30 am. But he is happily watching tv. Then Chaya starts to cry again and now I am about ready to have a nervous breakdown. I call David, three times, no answer. I don't know why he has a cell phone. I want to kill him. So I go into "that is it, I am moving back to Canada or we have to move to either Haifa or Jerusalem. " I go to my neighbor to ask her to come and just hold the baby while I clean up and she isn't there, but her daughter comes and holds her. Chaya falls asleep in her arms and I finish cleaning the water. I take her from the neighbor and she leaves and I try to put her into her stroller but she wakes up and starts screaming again. 6:50pm. I resolve that Emil is not going to bed at 8 like usual but what the hell it is the holidays anyway. I whip together some pasta all the while the baby is screaming her head off like I am pulling out her nails one by one. I get Emil a dish of pasta and back to feeding the baby. Now she falls asleep again and lets me actually put her down and I grab some food for myself. Calculate that the last time I ate was also 11:30. No wonder I am about to have a nervous breakdown. Oh yeah, tell Emil to turn off TV for dinner and have to repeat myself 3 times culminating in me yelling "TURN OFF THE TV!" Not my finest moment. 7:30 pm. Go to run Emil a bath but there is no hot water as it all flowed onto the floor. Skip bath, tell Emil to get his pajamas on and now baby is awake again happy as a clam. We read him a story kiss him goodnight and I lay on my bed drained. But baby is still awake. Entertain her for a bit, then she starts to get fussy again and feed her and finally she seems to hopefully be out for the night. Now there is laundry to hang and an icing to make for the cake and dishes to do. All done. On the upside, my floor is clean! I guess G-d wanted me to have clean floors for some reason!

Life with baby, day 74.

Chaya is asleep. I am tired. As per usual. She sleeps well at night though. Anywhere from 6 to 7 hours at a time, then a brief session of feeding and back to sleep for another 2 and a half hours. This morning we woke up at 7:30. Well, actually, she started making noises at 7, but I stick the pacifier in her mouth a few times, like she is an alarm clock and I am pressing the snooze button. She had pooped, hence her fussiness. Plus, then she wants to feed as she is starving. My little monkey. She still has a temper, when I don't satify her demand quickly enough, her crying turns into hysterics. Sometimes it is funny to watch this tiny little thing exert her power. She is growing so fast. It is unbelievable how fast they grow at this age. I am amazed by her everyday and everyday I feel closer and closer to her. I didn't have love at first sight. I was interested in her, but I think the shock of having her and the shock that this little thing came out of me was too unbelievable. It took me awhile to really feel bonded. It came more when she started smiling. Now she waits for me and when I smile she smiles. She waits to see what I am going to do to entertain her. She really thinks I am funnier than Jerry Seinfeld. It is so gratifying. I wonder if Jerry Seinfeld was offended when his kids thought their mommy was the funniest thing on earth. I would be, as a comic, offended if she thought David was funnier than me. That will never happen...Haha.
Am finding it hard to lose the baby weight. I gained weight in places I never thought I possibly could. The tops of my arms are fat. My hips have grown. I still can't fit into my prepregnancy clothes. It is rather alarming. I need to look up weight watchers on the net for Israel. I am a lifetime member but as I haven't been in ages, I don't know if it gets cancelled. I don't think I even have the card anymore that identifies me as a lifetime member...
Anyway, just a quick update on life with baby.

Happy Chaya

Chaya is asleep and I am at the computer, looking at the new Kollel website, watching one minute shorts and feeling nostalgic. I really miss the Kollel. I really miss the community in Vancouver. My community in Vancouver, which is made up of so many different people and places. I had another one of those moments yesterday where I came home feeling dejected, as happens so many times for me here in Israel. We took Chaya for an immunization at the public health clinic and the nurse happened to be from Canada. This was really nice for me, to be able to speak to someone who could understand me, not just in words, but culturally as well. I asked her about things for children, babies, things to do here in Ashdod, hoping that there might be something. Nothing. Nothing for babies. Except a baby massage course which she will enroll me...FULL. Of course. This is how it always is here. I get my hopes up that perhaps there might be a solution and then BAM. Hopes dashed. It is so very frustrating.
Really frustrating.
Chaya was fine when we came home from the clinic. She went to sleep, but when she woke up she was crying hysterically. In pain. Her little leg was a little swollen and red and hot hot hot. I put her in the bath, put a cold water cloth on it, bounced her, tried to feed her, she didn't want to eat. We gave her some tylenol and eventually she calmed down and slept and was happy for the rest of the day. She did, however continue to be hot, so I repeated the bath and gave her more tylenol later on in the day. She was in a really good mood yesterday, smiley and happy, she even laughed out loud once. She is getting more fun. Today, she is a little fussier, doesn't really want to stay asleep. This is more normal behaviour for her...
I love her so much.
It is amazing how you can love someone this much. It is a hugely different love than what you feel for a husband, boyfriend, mother sister brother father. She is amazing and delightful. She loves me. She sees me and her face lights up and she gives me the little gummy grin. No matter how upset or depressed I may feel at that moment, to see that, I can't help but smile myself.
Amazing.

Talking...

Chaya has started talking. OK, it is not talking with words, then she would be some sort of freak of nature. But she is making sounds and she looks at you and makes them. Then she will wait for you to answer her back. It is amazing. She is amazing. She is having more and more periods of wakefulness where she is content to play on her own and then when she is bored she cries so that we will pick her up and entertain her. She loves to see me and David and Emil. And she loves David's sister in law Orly. It is so cute. We went to Orly's today, walked over there, it really isn't so far, except that they live on the ninth floor and since it is shabbat, we had to take the stairs. NINE flights, with a baby in the front pack. But it was good exercise and Orly, dependable as ever had some good chocolate cake for me to replenish any calories I may have lost!
Chaya is changing daily, I can't believe how much she has grown in such a short period of time. I told David the other day, during one of her crying fits that she is probably going to be a child who has temper tantrums, as it seems she already is. But she is lots of fun and it certainly cancels out all the screaming that she does! Today, thank g-d was one of her good days. May there be many more of them in a row!

OY VEY!

Today Chaya had her first round of immunizations, for Hep B. Oh my G-d! It was traumatic. There is nothing worse than knowing that your child is going to be in pain. I almost started crying. She screamed when they stuck her with the needle. It was terrible. I wanted David to hold her so I could leave the room, but the nurse MADE me hold her because she said it would relax her to smell my scent. This lady obviously doesn't know Chaya. Chaya was already mad because we woke her up from her nap, so she wasn't having any of this calming down business before she got the shot. Chaya is very stubborn. I hope this is a good trait, someday.
She was up at 3 this morning for her feeding but last night she did not want to go back to sleep, so I was up till 4 with her. I am exhausted this morning as our appointment for her shot was at 7:30. I feel like a zombie. Chaya is sleeping now, so in a minute I will join her. She has gained 1.3 kilos. She now weighs 8.5 pounds. She has gained almost 3 pounds in 7 weeks. That's my little piggy pig! I just hope that when she is older she has a better metabolism than the people in either of our families. The poor kid has obesity on both sides. Hopefully she won't inherit our struggle with weight. But she is getting really cute and fun and chubby and that makes me happy. She loves to get her diaper changed and she loves it when we call her our little poopy girl. Her hair is still thick as ever and I am dressing her more in pink clothing as I am tired of people calling her a boy. I do not think she looks like a boy, but I have also made that mistake with other people's children. Now I know how offensive it is so I will try to never make that mistake again.
My banana cream pie turned out to be more like banana cream mush and the quiche was OK, except I didn't wash the spinach well enough so it was quite a crunchy quiche. I neglected to tell David that there was dirt in it, so today I am going to throw it away and tell him that it fell on the floor. He doesn't like it when I throw away food and will keep leftovers in the fridge for weeks. Even months until I stealthily throw it away. It is leftover baggage from his childhood I think. I don't like the fridge to be overflowing with crap like leftovers...I hate clutter. I could write the book simplify your life. Someone once gave that book to me, but I don't think I need it anymore as far as crap in the house goes. I am only too happy to throw shit away. Most of the time anyway. Here it is hard because David is a pack rat and he is teaching Emil to be the same way. I keep telling David that we need to go through Emil's toys and give away the stuff he doesn't play with and David keeps saying "NO! HE PLAYS WITH EVERYTHING!" This is false. Emil rarely even plays with his toys if he can con us into letting him watch TV. And Emil picks up things from outside, like flyers and rocks and beer bottle tops and David wants to let him keep all this crap. So one day when I am through being addicted to facebook and Chaya is asleep and I am rested I will go through and get rid of it on my own without either of them realizing it. That is what it is to be a Mom! Hahaha.

Fumbling through motherhood

Well, it has been 7 weeks and one day since I had a baby. I have attempted to write posts about the experience but have never been able to finish one, usually because the baby wakes up and interrupts me. She has been sleeping now for almost three hours, which is amazing for her to do during the day. She will probably wake up now that I am in the middle of something more important than making food. I just finished preparing a quiche for dinner tonight and making a banana cream pie, which I have never done before. I had to make the crusts for both from scratch which I did this morning when she was sleeping. I have had a productive day in that I have been shopping, made pie crust, made the quiche and the pie. This is a lot to attempt in one day. I have even done all the dishes. I am exhausted now, needless to say and instead of catching up on sleep I am writing.
Motherhood is not what I expected. To be fair, I was a mother already to Emil but it is a completely different experience to mother a child of 5 than it is to mother a newborn baby. I haven't had a good night's sleep since she was born, although really, the discomfort started in my eighth month of pregnancy. I am really feeling the isolation. I miss so much more my friends and family in Canada. It is hard here, to be all alone and not have people to call to back you up. I still hate living in Israel with a passion. David has been called up to go to the army and if he can't wrangle himself out of it, it will be hell. He will probably only have to go for a week, but that is a long time when I have a baby and Emil.
Chaya is a crier. She cries a lot. At first I thought it was colic, but now I am not so sure. I was reading about some babies just being like this. She cried from the moment she came out, almost as if she was voicing her dissatisfaction already at her living conditions. I don't blame her really. Nothing is as I thought it was going to be.
I am also feeling post baby fat. My body is chubbier than I have ever been and it grates on the self esteem. I barely have time to shower during the day anyway. I miss being able to take my time in the bath, do my feet and nails and shave my legs. I eat on the go. Like I used to when I was a waitress. Gulping down food. No time to enjoy it. It isn't so fun. I thought that a baby would be easy, in that they are supposed to sleep all the time and just wake up to eat and be changed. She does that sometimes, but she also has a couple of fussy periods where she just cries like I am hitting her. I am afraid to take her on the bus to Jerusalem or on the train anywhere. I am afraid that she will start to scream. She does have more periods of wakefulness, where she is happy and smiley. It melts my heart when she smiles. There really is nothing better than seeing her little lopsided, gummy smile. Sometimes I miss her when she sleeps and I want to wake her up but then I am afraid that if I wake her up she will scream, so I leave her be.
I am addicted to facebook. It has been nice to reconnect with some old friends. I have enjoyed it.
Anyway, a quick update on life with baby. I miss everyone.

Beautiful Dawn

I just have James Blunt's song in my head and I hate thinking up titles for these blogs. I had a terrible sleep last night. I dreampt twice that someone was trying to kill me. I think it is because we saw a true crime show before we went to bed and also on One Tree Hill last night, Peyton's stalker was trying to kill or rape her and it was like one of those stupid Horror movies where the helpless girl keeps running through the house while the psycho guy never dies no matter what. I have gotten into that show, but it is so unrealistic. However, Thursday nights I have a full tv schedule as after One Tree Hill is the latest season of the OC. I also like Ugly Betty and Desperate Housewives. And now Grey's Anatomy and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
So I am at 38 and a half weeks. The baby could come any day now. I wake up every morning with sore hips and ass. It is super uncomfortable to sleep. David and I switched sides last night on the bed cuz we wanted to leave our door open and the light from Emil's bedroom was bothering me. I think that is another reason I had such disturbing dreams. We are going to Haifa tonight to his sister Miri's for shabbat. We have spent a ton of time at other people's places this week, due to Passover. I hate matzoh. On top of it all, I felt sick this morning and was in the bathroom for like half an hour throwing up. It was awful. I woke up at 4 in the morning hungry so I got up and ate matzoh and hummus. I don't know if the cramps I feel are gas pains or contractions. At least if I go into labour tonight, I will be with David's sister who has 4 kids of her own. The baby can be born in the same hospital that David was. It is so weird that the baby could come at any moment. I had a moment of excitement the other day. I was lying in bed and thinking about the fact that the baby could come any time now and I had butterflies in my tummy. Like the feeling you get on Christmas eve, as you're waiting for Santa to come and deliver your presents. It is exciting.
We had 6 teenage girls here for two days, ranging in age from 13 to 19. It is so amazing to see teenage girls again. They spent an awful lot of time in the bathroom doing their makeup and hair and picking out the right outfits just to go to the market in the afternoon and then retouching in the evening to go to a movie. These are religious girls too. I was never like that as a teenager, spending hours and hours on my appearance. So it is strange for me to see that. I still am not like that. I have the shortest nails because I keep picking them and could use an eyebrow plucking and a pedicure and manicure and facial and mustache waxing. I had done what I like to call housekeeping when I was in Canada, but now it is 3 and a half months later and I feel like the unibomber. Oh well. What the hell, I am married. Who needs to look good??? Just kidding. I used to like to do all these things for me and only for me. I still do. David never says to me why don't you cut your hair or get your nails done or blah blah blah. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am and even more so since I have been pregnant. I think he is delusional, because I don't feel so beautiful. Most of the time I am too tired to put make up on, and stuff. Yesterday I did my makeup and hair. It was like a miracle!! I kind of miss it. Plus it is harder to reach my legs to shave and other grooming stuff...
So this is just an update. Hopefully the baby will come soon so I can report on the birth...
Love
Me

Baby baby baby brain

Wow, It has been almost a month since I have posted. Now there are only two and a half weeks left until the anticipated due date. My stomach feels huge. Sometimes I pass by a window and see myself and I can't believe that this is me. It is strange. The baby still likes to move and sometimes it's movements hurt. I don't think there is a heck of a lot of room down there. But when I feel the movements, sometimes I can clearly feel a heel or a foot. I feel like someone in an alien movie where a hand is coming out of the belly.
Next week Passover begins, so I have been cleaning the house slowly this week in preparation. It hasn't been so bad, so far, but I still have the kitchen to do. I am glad that this is getting done now, though, because this means that the house gets and in depth cleaning before the baby comes. I know that I won't feel like cleaning like this after birth...And David is not the best cleaner. In fact, yesterday, I was cleaning our room and I managed to get down on my knees to look under the bed and found some missing socks and underwear (that is suspicious, when your husband's underwear mysteriously disappears). Apparently he thinks that under the bed is also a closet. And in the closet he had thrown balled up jackets. It is beyond my understanding how he can take the time to ball up his jacket and throw it on the floor but to hang it up nicely on a hanger seems to take too much time out of his busy schedule. So my idea of organization and perfection will have to take a back seat when the baby comes. When I came home from Canada, the house was in disarray. It looked nice on the outside, but the cupboards were all askew and it wasn't really clean...I spent my first week home organizing everything. I also did some more in depth cleaning and organizing then as I had terrible jetlag. For a week I was waking up at 3 and 4 in the morning. So I put the hours to good use.
I find that it is hard now to think of much else, other than the imminent arrival of this baby. I have baby brain.
Although throughout this pregnancy, I have been visited by memories of my past life. I don't mean a past life in the New Age sense, I mean past life, before I got sober. Past boyfriends, past experiences at the bar. The other night, I asked David how he used to pick up women at the bar. He isn't really the type of guy that I can imagine using seduction techniques to do so. At least he isn't with me. Maybe that is because we are married, I don't know. I just can't believe that in a few short years, I have gone from major party girl to staid stay at home wife and mother. It seems bizarre. I cringe sometimes at the thought of the person I used to be. I wish now, that in my youth, I had respected and loved myself more. I want to teach my children to love and respect themselves. That this idea that sex is some kind of free, physical act to be used as a way of proving your self worth is bullshit. I want them to value themselves for their minds. I want them to value themselves for their morals. To respect themselves and their bodies. Maybe this whole thing with Britney Spears going wild and ending up in rehab is a good thing for the world's young girls. To see that that behaviour only lands one in trouble. Too many of the world's female icons, whom the young teenagers idolize use sex and partying as a way of proving their value as women. I don't think it ever works out. At least not in my experience.
Must run, as I hear Emil making a mess in the living room.
Until next time.

Back to Baby

I took Emil shopping yesterday to buy him a purim costume. He got superman. It's got a cape. And a padded chest giving him a six pack. David says that he (David) doesn't have a six pack, but rather a keg. Funny. Anyway, I took Emil to a baby store as I wanted to look at things for the baby. I still haven't bought anything for it. Partly from superstition but yesterday, standing there, thinking about making a choice, it got so overwhelming. Emil was picking out toys for the baby. How about this one? How about this one? Things that the baby wouldn't be able to use for at least two years. Cute. But for me, standing there, trying to decide which onesies I should consider and what about swaddling blankets and burping cloths and all of those things, I just couldn't make a decision. I left the store feeling so incompetent. What right do I have to be a mother when I can't even make a decision about what clothes to buy for this child? I really wished my mother was here. That is the thing about mother's, they can help you decide what to buy. Tell you what a baby needs and be there with you as you pick things out. My mother and sister have sent a package of things for the baby, but I still need to prepare here. I wish she was here. It doesn't seem that we will be able to bring my mother here for the birth either and it is really hard to feel so alone. It would be different if I had other women who have experienced all of this here in my life. But I don't. At least not anyone that I feel comfortable talking to or asking for help from. This isn't how I imagined being pregnant or having a baby, but unfortunately this is the situation. So, I plow forward...
It is getting harder to sleep now at night. I have terribly vivid dreams, sometimes I dream about ex boyfriends, like I am working through old relationships in my dreams. I am so hot at night, I wake up sweating. Last night there was a mosquito in our room and it bit me three times. I had to cover myself back up to make sure that I wouldn't get bitten more, especially on my feet, where the bites tend to swell and get infected. I have scars from mosquito bites all over my feet now. It is gross. I am exhausted all day and when I try to nap, I can't. For some reason, sleep eludes me during the day. I am hungrier now too. The other day it felt like I spent the day, eating, sleeping or going to the bathroom.
I am 33 weeks pregnant. If I carry full term, that means that there is just 7 more weeks left to go. I long to sleep on my back. After I came home from the mall with Emil yesterday, I noticed my feet were super swollen, so I had to lie down and wait for them to get back to normal. My stomach is bigger and I am having trouble shaving my legs and other areas...It is such an adjustment, all of this and it isn't going to stop, is it? I feel nervous sometimes, as I am afraid that I won't be a good mother, that I am too self centred to think about being responsible for someone for a life time. I think that I don't know enough to do this. All of that stuff. And it is crazy, as I have worked with children for many years, from 6 months to 6 years. But I am much more comfortable with it being a job. There is less pressure. I could come and be fun for 6 hours a day. Then go home and rest and come back the next day to do it all again. I know how to prepare nutritious meals for kids and how to discipline children age appropriately, I know how to change diapers and make a bottle, I know the songs to sing and the games to play. But I don't know what to buy my baby so that it can have clothes. It's nuts. I miss my mom.

Not My Problem

I have had some disturbing comments regarding my last post. At least disturbing to me. And I want to comment on the latest comment that was posted. The reader said, and I am quoting "I think the girl was initially smart to try and just say she was British and that is a secular Jew's choice..." "I think she said that is self-protection mode."

The fact is, her answer "I'm British" didn't satisfy the group of girls, now did it? The young girl was STILL beaten up. Just like the Jews of the Holocaust who tried everything to appear not Jewish, they were still rounded up, put in ghettos and then taken to camps and exterminated. People who were 1/4 Jewish (meaning they had ONE GRANDPARENT who was Jewish but were raised catholic, christian whatever, were also rounded up and put in camps. So this so called "assimilation" doesn't work, does it? Jews are still targeted and it is getting worse. Thousands of Jews are fleeing France for Israel, I have met many of them in my town here in Israel. They say the situation is bad there for Jews, and is getting worse. Denying where you come from doesn't erase the fact that Jews are always targeted. Look at the news coverage from the Lebanon war this past summer. I watched CNN and FOX News. I saw the way they covered the war. There was very little coverage on how the war was effecting Israel. It was mostly what Israel did to Lebanon. They didn't show the empty towns in the North, they didn't show the 25 people living in a 3 room apartment in the south of the country. They neglected to mention the fact that three months before the war started Hezbollah was firing rockets into Northern Israel and they made virtually no mention of the two soldiers kidnapped by Hezbollah at the border. They didn't interview the soldiers' families, who, by the way, are still suffering without news of their children. And for the soldiers, Hezbollah wants Israel to release Arab Prisoners. The last time Israel did that with Hezbollah, the soldiers were returned DEAD.
I will admit, I don't like living in Israel. Last night, David and I were lying in bed and we heard what sounded like an explosion. We both were convinced that it was a bomb. And we never get bombs in Ashdod. That is one of the perks of living in this little southern town. I have missed some trips to Jerusalem over the last couple of weeks because of the rioting happening with the Arabs regarding the building of a walkway to the temple mount. I don't like living in this state of constant stress and danger to my life. Everytime I go to Jerusalem, I phone David as soon as I get there and before I am about to get on the bus to come home, so that he knows that I am safe. He tells me to be careful, sit in the front of the bus and if I see anyone suspicious, tell the bus driver to open the door. Not so I can run off, although that is a good idea, but because the reason so much damage can occur with a bomb, is because it sucks the air out of the enclosed space and people end up dying of asphyxiation. He learned all this in the army. Israel has its own problems politically and I fear for the survival of the state of Israel. There is a lot of infighting among Jews as well. And this country, Israel, was created as a safe haven for Jews, to come and live and not HAVE to pretend that they aren't Jews. So that they could be proud of being Jewish and could walk the streets safely without fear of oppression. And for the most part, they do walk the streets proud of being Jewish. It is a relief for many people to come here and to be able to live openly and proudly as a Jew. But it doesn't stop, just because they are in Israel. Now there is the terrorist threat from all sides, Lebanon, Syria, Jordan and Egypt. Each arab country has it's own terrorist organization trying to do harm to Israel. Then there is Iran.
The fact is, that Jews in North America live in a bubble. Especially in Canada. We are very free to be what we want to be, to practice what we want to practice. So we become apathetic about the problems in the rest of the world. Why should we get involved? That is our mantra. If we just live our own lives and mind our own business, we won't get hurt. But do we not have some sort of social responsibility towards others and ourselves?

The reader went on to say "I think the issue is more complicated than you give credit and can't be conflated with all of hate and racism." I am sorry dear reader, but if someone is hurting someone else based on the color of their skin or their ethnicity it is called racism, which, according to dictionary.com is a form of hatred.

I will post the definitions of racism here:

1. a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.
2. a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.
3. hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

I think the issue is not as complicated as you would like to believe and that is just another way of saying "There is nothing I can do about it, since I can't think of who to write a letter to about this in a politically correct fashion"
The North American way, to write a letter.
And dont' forget to be politically correct.

Updated Ultrasound

We just came home from an ultrasound. The baby is now a little over 3.5 pounds. It did not want us to see it's face, apparently. It is upside down in my uterus already and the ultrasound lady said that it will probably not change positions as now there isn't a lot of room for movement in there. I notice that when it moves, I can see it now on my belly. I have always thought that it was lying crossways, so I am surprised that it is upside down. But we got sort of a profile picture today and it's nose has gotten longer and less pug, more like my nose than David's now. I was hoping for the Malul nose. David keeps saying that the baby looks like momma (his mother) but who knows? I can't believe it is my baby in the picture. It is a little unreal still.
I am excited about the birth now. I just want to see my baby. Hold my baby. Feed my baby. I have gained 28 pounds so far. And believe me, the size of my knockers tell me that I could feed Ethiopia with milk. It is incredible!
I wonder if Anna Nicole Smith was breastfeeding before her untimely death? Can you breastfeed if you have implants?
Anyone have an answer for that?
I feel a little shallow as I am talking about a baby all the time. Today I saw something on CNN which enraged me. A 12 year old girl was the victim of an antisemitic incident in the UK. She was attacked by a group of girls on the bus. ON THE BUS! They beat her up ON THE BUS! I don't understand. How is it possible that a little girl is sitting on a bus and subsequently attacked and nobody does anything to help her? Even if there was no one else on the bus, how about the bus driver? Now, I am not sure what transpired other than the beating on the bus, however, they did say that she managed to get off of the bus and get help. The girls asked her "Are you British or are you Jewish?" She answered British. They repeated this question numerous times. She repeatedly answered British. Now here is the quicker, these girls who beat her up, were black (what is that? African British?) and Asian (Asian British?), so she was beaten up by other minority groups.
What I found sad with this particular story, other than the fact that it was a 12 year old girl, beaten up by other minority groups and not helped by ordinary citizens is the young girls answer.
British. I am British. Not I am a British Jew, but just simply British. This is 2007. Why are we, as Jews, still hiding our identity? Anti semitism has permeated our own souls, so that we are so intent on "assimilation", we refuse to acknowledge our identity. We refuse to be proud of our identity. Would it be a bad thing to identify ourselves as Canadian Jews, American Jews, British Jews? The Asians are called Asian Americans, Black People are African American, Indians from India are called Indo Canadians in Vancouver. But we, as Jews, prefer not to be recognized for our uniqueness. In fact, so many people don't even talk about the fact that they are Jewish. No, we are not instantly recognizable on the street, like Asians, African Americans, Indians Native or Eastern, unless we wear payas and kippas and long black coats, but why shouldn't we be? Have the cossacks and Nazis won? Have we let them dictate to us that we are bad? That we should blend in and no one will know? If you were in the United States, let's say, California, and an African American was approached on a bus and asked "Are you an American, or African?" What would the answer be? My guess is that it would be African American. Not just one or the other. You know, the African Americans, have many countries where they can trace their ancestry, Africa, South America, etc, Asians, from Asia, East Indians from India and all over that area, Muslims, as we know have many countries and where do the Jews have? Now we have Israel, a country that they fought for and continue to fight for. And are constantly vilified in the media for. Are we going to be able to keep this country? Or will we lose it and once again be stateless. It's not right that we should have to lose our identity in order to blend in to modern day society. Stand up and be proud that you are Jewish,people! Remember, some of us fought hard to be and remain Jewish. Teach your children to be proud of who they are and where they come from. I was asked at my conversion a question which I have been pondering for awhile. They ask Converts questions such as this: "There are people like the Nazis who would want to kill you, what would you do?" In my smart ass thinking before the conversion I thought, you know what? The Nazi's would have put me in a death camp anyway, because I am half Jewish anyway. But they asked me "You are moving to Israel and there are people who will want to kill you there, if you were asked to renounce Judaism in order to save your life, would you do it?" I said "You know, I have worked so hard for this, there is not a chance that I would do it." OK, I knew that was the right answer and the answer they wanted to hear. And now, one year later, and one year of living in Israel, the answer is even more vehement. I am proud of what I have done. I am proud that I became a full fledged paper holding Jew. I am proud that I will raise my children as Jews. And I will teach them to be proud of being Jewish. I want to teach them to keep kosher, which is hard if we aren't living in Israel, I will teach them to observe the shabbat, because really, is it such a huge sacrifice to abstain from watching TV and listening to the radio or talking on the phone or cooking for 25 hours a week? I will teach them to value the essence of Jewish spirituality by going to synagogue and looking for the beauty of the prayers and psalms. Because really, as much as the various denominations of Judaism will argue about religion, this is all a part of who the Jews are. As Human Beings, we say we don't like the structure that Orthodoxy imposes, we don't like that it is patriarchal, we don't believe in G-d, we live in a modern world, how can we live like people on a shtetl, why should we make ourselves more noticeable or differentiate ourselves from society? Well, why not? What is so bad about this? Why is it so bad to be "different". In North America, politically correct is the mantra. We don't call blind people blind, we say "Visually impaired" we don't say deaf, we say "Hearing Impaired". We teach our children not to stare at people with disabilities and to practice acceptance of people of other races, but then we tell our children, "Don't be NOTICEABLY Jewish, don't wear a kippa everyday, don't wear "shtetl" clothing." Isn't that a double standard? Is that fair? We are who we are, we come from where we come from, stand up and tell people, "I am Jewish and I am proud of it." Say "I'm a Jew, Are you? We're here, and there, get used to it!"
Love,
Me.

Awakenings

It's 10 minutes to seven in the morning. Usually I am not awake at this time, but I woke up at 5 and haven't been able to get back to sleep. But now I am getting tired. Emil is still sleeping, which is unusual as he normally wakes up at 6/6:30. But he went to bed late last night as he is now in this extra class twice a week after school where he is learning thinking and learning strategies. The teacher is very impressed by him and says he has a spark for learning which just needs to be nurtured, and with such nurturing, he could go on to be very successful. How is that for pressure at 6 years old?
Emil also got an award for being the best behaved kid at school last week. He was very proud of himself for getting this. I told him that I loved him last night and that I was very proud of him. He told me that he loved me, even when I put him on the naughty chair, he loved me. I think this comes from a period of time where he would think that I didn't love him when I was upset with him or if I put him on the naughty chair. I told him and have told him repeatedly, that I will always love him and that I love him no matter what. It is cute when they use things back at you and it shows that he understands what I am saying, the idea that I love him all the time. This, I think is more important for me than for David, as I am still the newcomer in his life and even though he loves me and trusts me, I think there is still a part of him that doesn't know if I am really going to stay. And he is still getting to know me. He's such a great kid.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Just a monthly check up. I have to go for another urine test and an ultrasound, just to check that the baby is growing normally. I have now gained approximately 28 pounds, which is incredible to me. I only gained 1 kilo in Canada, and since I have been home (a month) I gained 4 kilos. Technically, 28 pounds isn't so bad, as the reccommended amount is 25 to 35. So, if I can somehow manage to only gain 7 pounds in the next two and a half months, I will be fine.
I am starting to freak out about organizational stuff. David and I still have to decide on a hospital where to give birth. There is a hospital in Tel Aviv that is a private hospital, but it looks so nice, but I don't think that I will do it there, due to financial constraints. We also need to find a birthing class. David has this superstition that we can't buy anything for the baby before it is born, this is his side's superstition, which is adding stress as I am thinking of all the things we will need immediately, like a car seat and clothes and diapers and wipes and blankets and stuff like that. His sister said that I can buy clothes for it but just not store it in my room. But then, I feel like if I start buying things now, it is bad luck, as I am only 7 1/2 months pregnant and there are still 2 and a half months to go...My superstition.
I watched I Am Sam last night. It was on TV. I didn't cry because I knew the ending, as I had seen it before, but I really felt like crying. I am super sensitive these days, especially when it comes to relationships between parents and children. I can't get the movie out of my head though. I just keep seeing the kids face when she was with her Dad. That little Dakota Fanning! And Sean Penn did amazing work in that movie.
Well that is all for now folks. I want to wake up the boys.

Shavua Tov!

How do you translate from Hebrew to English? Impossible with trying to sound the words out phoenetically!
We had our friend Gidon and his family for shabbat. He has five daughters and Tami, his wife, brought her mother with her. Tami's father died two months ago and so her mother is now living with Tami. She is the only child. That is what happens here in Israel, when one parent dies, the other one moves in with you.
They are a wonderful family and I feel as if they are my family too. In fact, we are now related, as David's niece married Gidon's nephew, so technically, we are related...How does that work? Distant cousins through marriage?
Shoshi, their 17 year old daughter is going to New York tomorrow so I have given her a shopping list for Starbucks Coffee and more Body Shop lip balm.
I have been trying to get a hold of our lawyer again, albeit unsuccessfully. I am getting very frustrated. I long to be back in Canada.
The wind is fierce here tonight. It is rainy and stormy. The doors in my apartment are not very strong and always slam closed in the wind. It is very annoying.
Gidon and his family are still here, not having left after shabbat yet. They are all watching TV and his five year old daughter is watching TV in my room so I am on the computer.
Emil is asleep, he has school tomorrow and is exhausted as I let him stay up til 8:30/9 o' clock last night. He is so not good at staying up late, he just gets so whiny and grumpy. I bumped up his bedtime til 7:30 as he was taking a long time to fall asleep but I still think that is too late. He wakes up so early. I have to sleep til 9 or 9:30 as I don't tend to fall asleep until midnight anyway. My internal clock is late.
Anyway, this is just like a blog of nothing tonight, just a way to pass the time before I get to the TV!
Night.

Back Home on the Range

Well, it has been a month since I have been back in Israel. I haven't been very good at blogging. In these last couple of weeks I have been horribly emotional. I am crying at the drop of a hat. I was never a very good crier before, but lately, it doesn't take much to make me cry. I would suspect that it is depression, however, I got an email from a friend of mine, who is also pregnant, due about two weeks after me and she also has been feeling quite emotional, so I am going to guess that this is all hormonally related. Wow, that's all it took to express emotions? I should have done this years ago! Just joking.
I would like to mention that when I was in Vancouver, I spent a very lovely morning with my friend Abby. We met in university and in fact, she is the only friend I managed to make during my my one and one eighth semester attending UBC. She was very sweet back then...She still is. We went for a lovely brunch at the Naam, where I had pancakes and veggie sausages. I was obsessed with pancakes in Canada. I also got to see Abby's beautiful house. I was very impressed and very glad to see that there is a bedroom waiting for me and the baby to come and visit!
(You see, Abby, here you are!)
Anyway, I have to run as we are having guests for shabbat and I woke up really late this morning. Actually, I woke up at 6, because Emil came into our room to wake David up and I flipped over in my sleep and put my hand over the side of the bed and he grabbed it and then he crawled into bed with me for a cuddle. And I couldn't get back to sleep for awhile, but eventually did and now I am running late!

James Blunt

well it has been almost two months since I have blogged and I don't even know if any of you are still reading this. I will send everyone an email, maybe, so that you are aware that I have updated this blog. Because really, my friends, I am only doing this for you...
Just kidding.
I saw James Blunt on Oprah today. I know, that episode in Canada probably aired six months ago, but they are sadly behind in Israel...Anyway, I have fallen in love. He is so adorable and funny and cute. Maybe he thinks pregnant women are hot. He is now on my top 5 list of musicians I would marry in a heartbeat. He has the distinct honor of being the only one under 65. And one of my top 5 is a muslim! (Cat Stevens) Please don't alert the conversion authority.
James Blunt's songs are so heartfelt. So vulnerable. That is why he probably is hitting the music world so hard. We aren't used to the vulnerability like that in today's world. Yet we are all looking for ways to learn to be more open, more vulnerable. I think we think too much about it. I don't know.
So, I am now visibly pregnant. I know I was a little in Canada, but it is evident now. I went to a wedding the other night and everyone who saw me told me mazal tov. It is amazing how fast my belly has grown in the last month. It is like everyday I wake up and my stomach is bigger. David said to me this morning that he thought my stomach had grown since last night. I told him that it was just because I had bad gas and my stomach was bloated. I don't know if your stomach gets bloated when you are pregnant from gas. But he believed me.
I put on my outfit to go to the wedding the other night and when I looked in the mirror I was shocked. Up until this point I have been able to "hide" my pregnancy if I wanted to. But now, it is impossible. It was kind of weird to put on my clothes and look into the mirror and see a big belly. This is a really interesting experience for those of us with major body issues. Most of the time I am okay with it, but every once in a while I get a shock. I am just glad that it is growing and getting bigger. The baby moves a lot now. Every day. Especially after I drink a coffee in the morning. Or after I eat. Or when I rest.
I have the worst gas, worse than I have ever had. The other night I farted in my sleep and apparently it was so loud that I woke David up. I think that's funny.
You know, I don't care how old you get and how hacky it is, farting is ALWAYS funny.
So are burps.
I have been having some very vivid dreams lately. I had them earlier on, and now they are coming back. And sex dreams galore. You would think that I am a single pregnant woman with no chance for sex. Not true. Obviously. I am hoping though that some of these sex dreams will be about James Blunt now. I will listen to his CD over and over again today and let you know what happens. Although I won't tell in detail. A lady never reveals her sex dreams.
David is being so cute (speaking of sex dreams...) I have been going to bed before him since I got home from Canada. The jet lag has been hard to get through, although I think that I may be through it. I can now pretty much stay up all day and go to sleep at 10 and sleep until the morning. I am waking up once in the night to shift position or go to the bathroom or whatever, but I can go back to sleep, as opposed to when I first got home and I would wake up a couple of times in the night and then between 3 and 5 I was finished sleeping. This morning I woke up at 6:30. That was nice. I like getting up that early, though, because I can be awake when Emil wakes up and he is so cute first thing in the morning. And then I get him dressed and give him breakfast and get him off to school. And it isn't so rushed for David. Hopefully I can keep this up. It will be a better schedule for when the baby comes, not so much a shock to the system, maybe.
Anyway, I was going to tell you how cute David is being. When he comes to bed at night, he always feels my stomach. And in the middle of the night, he puts his arm on my stomach. Last night, I think he thought that I was sleeping, and I was, but he woke me up. He was touching my stomach and then he bent down and kissed it and put his ear to it for a minute. It was really adorable. I am really lucky, as I have a husband who is so looking forward to having this baby and he is excited about all aspects of it. He loves that I am getting bigger, prompting me to suspect that he has somewhat of a pregnant woman fetish. He buys me food and last night he came home with chocolate cake for me, as that is my favorite. The name we have chosen for the baby has real meaning for us. This baby has really brought us closer together and it is a gift from G-d, that is for sure.
Now the next hurdle is getting my mom here for the birth. And picking a hospital. Taking a childbirth education course, so I know how to give birth properly. What did women do in Laura Ingalls' time?
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