Wow, It has been almost a month since I have posted. Now there are only two and a half weeks left until the anticipated due date. My stomach feels huge. Sometimes I pass by a window and see myself and I can't believe that this is me. It is strange. The baby still likes to move and sometimes it's movements hurt. I don't think there is a heck of a lot of room down there. But when I feel the movements, sometimes I can clearly feel a heel or a foot. I feel like someone in an alien movie where a hand is coming out of the belly.
Next week Passover begins, so I have been cleaning the house slowly this week in preparation. It hasn't been so bad, so far, but I still have the kitchen to do. I am glad that this is getting done now, though, because this means that the house gets and in depth cleaning before the baby comes. I know that I won't feel like cleaning like this after birth...And David is not the best cleaner. In fact, yesterday, I was cleaning our room and I managed to get down on my knees to look under the bed and found some missing socks and underwear (that is suspicious, when your husband's underwear mysteriously disappears). Apparently he thinks that under the bed is also a closet. And in the closet he had thrown balled up jackets. It is beyond my understanding how he can take the time to ball up his jacket and throw it on the floor but to hang it up nicely on a hanger seems to take too much time out of his busy schedule. So my idea of organization and perfection will have to take a back seat when the baby comes. When I came home from Canada, the house was in disarray. It looked nice on the outside, but the cupboards were all askew and it wasn't really clean...I spent my first week home organizing everything. I also did some more in depth cleaning and organizing then as I had terrible jetlag. For a week I was waking up at 3 and 4 in the morning. So I put the hours to good use.
I find that it is hard now to think of much else, other than the imminent arrival of this baby. I have baby brain.
Although throughout this pregnancy, I have been visited by memories of my past life. I don't mean a past life in the New Age sense, I mean past life, before I got sober. Past boyfriends, past experiences at the bar. The other night, I asked David how he used to pick up women at the bar. He isn't really the type of guy that I can imagine using seduction techniques to do so. At least he isn't with me. Maybe that is because we are married, I don't know. I just can't believe that in a few short years, I have gone from major party girl to staid stay at home wife and mother. It seems bizarre. I cringe sometimes at the thought of the person I used to be. I wish now, that in my youth, I had respected and loved myself more. I want to teach my children to love and respect themselves. That this idea that sex is some kind of free, physical act to be used as a way of proving your self worth is bullshit. I want them to value themselves for their minds. I want them to value themselves for their morals. To respect themselves and their bodies. Maybe this whole thing with Britney Spears going wild and ending up in rehab is a good thing for the world's young girls. To see that that behaviour only lands one in trouble. Too many of the world's female icons, whom the young teenagers idolize use sex and partying as a way of proving their value as women. I don't think it ever works out. At least not in my experience.
Must run, as I hear Emil making a mess in the living room.
Until next time.
