Spirituality versus religion

It's been awhile since I have posted. This is like journal writing and it has been awhile since I have kept a journal. Don't know why. Just haven't for a few years. Yesterday I was in Jerusalem and did step 3 with my sponsor here in Israel. The step is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of G-d as we understand him". I did it at the Kotel (Western Wall). What a priviledge to do it there. I hadn't been there in awhile. It was nice. I had listed all my fears on a piece of paper and all the things that I want and I put them in the wall. It is like a wishing well. I have a g-d box, here at home, I have had it since early sobriety. When I have fears or worries, or things that are too big for me to handle or wishes, I put them on a piece of paper and put them in the box. It is like a physical act of handing it over to G-d and it usually lessens whatever I am worrying about. Doing this at the wall was a similar sort of exercise. I needed to get rid of a few worries. I felt amazingly relieved afterwards. I am starting to be reminded that my whole purpose in life is to strive to live a more spiritually balanced life. I love judaism and I think there is an abundance of spirituality within it. However, I think the lines get so blurred at times with the neverending laws. I see it a lot here. There is such turmoil within the orthodox and secular communities, one side demanding that there be no religion and the other side demanding laws be kept. So much confusion. I was thinking the other day that when Jews are in the diaspora, they classify themselves as Jews and are looked at as Jews by themselves and by others. Here is there is a distinction between religious and non religious, ashkenazi and sephardic, russian or european, morroccan or ethiopian. People here have forgotten why Israel was recreated. A safe haven for JEWS to live, a return to the country that we all come from. We are all Jewish, children of Abraham and Sarah, children of Hashem. It doesn't matter what country we came from in the diaspora, this is not our home, Israel is. It is where we hail from. Not the diaspora.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Anyway, there is so much infighting here as well as the fighting between the arabs and Israeli's. So much corruption and dysfunction. My fear is that Israel won't survive as a country like this. I want to be spiritual. I want to enjoy my religion. I want to be close with Hashem. That is what I need. I don't think Hashem cares whether or not I cover my hair or wear short sleeves. I think he has his preferences but I don't think he will reject me if I drift away from his wishes. That is the beautiful thing about Judaism. Once a Jew always a Jew. And it is pretty hard to break that relationship.
I am getting a rounder belly every single day. I am 19 weeks pregnant. This is about half way. I don't feel terrible and I am glad. I am getting excited about meeting this child. I wonder what it will look like, what color hair and eyes it will have, what it's cry will sound like, everything. It is pretty amazing to know that I making things everyday and I don't even know that I am doing it. I got What to Expect when you are expecting today in the mail from my sister and peppermint foot lotion from my Dad from the body shop.
I was exhausted today, having gone to Jerusalem yesterday. It is a long day for me and it is becoming more and more exhausting to do something like that. Last week we went to Haifa for the day from 9 in the morning til nine at night and I was exhausted on Friday. So this morning I just bummed around in my pajamas all morning. I have an Old Navy hoodie that I like to wear, which I bought last year for David, but he never really got a chance to take to it, as I stole it pretty much. It is super comfortable and perfect for the weather right now as it is starting to get cool at night. In fact, it is downright cold at night, which is really nice. I get to snuggle up to David underneath my duvet! Which in fact I am going to head off to do...

Some days are good some days are stressful

I had a chaotic and annoying day, or to quote a line from a book that I read when I was about 6, I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I woke up to my electricity having been cut off. This was odd. I asked David why he thought this might have happened and he said he didn't know, that he was positive that he had paid the bill. I, however, was having doubts, as I don't remember receiving a bill from the electricity company, although, I can't be sure, since I can't read Hebrew and wouldn't know the name of an electricity company if I saw it. David made contact with the electricity company and we owed them money. 8 months worth of money. He went there and pointed out that we had never received a bill from them, to which they said, we know, we forgot, you owe us 2000 shekels. That's about 500 dollars Canadian. We paid it. I was livid. Only in Israel would a company forget to send you a bill. It was also frustrating as it is one of those moments where you really feel the limitations of being an immigrant in a new country where you can't read, write or express yourself the way you would like. I am pretty responsible with bills and never in my life have I had anything cut off as a result of non payment. This one was not our fault, however, except that we could have phoned the company, which I would have done if I hadn't trusted David's claim to have paid electricity before. Then, when the lights came back on, I wanted to connect to the internet, however, I could not, as there was something wrong with it. So I proceeded to call the internet provider, which is something that I do know and I managed to get someone to make an appointment for a technician to come here today to fix it. In the meantime, I figured out what was wrong, so I was able to tell the guy exactly what the problem was this morning when he arrived. It was something that I couldn't fix. Then, at around 5 o clock, a man comes to my door to tell me that I need to pay my gas bill or he is going to cut it off. I was, as you can imagine, by this time, about ready to have a nervous breakdown. You see, sometimes, we get bills for things in other people's names. Such as city taxes and the like. Sometimes, I ask David if it is for us, an account where the name hasn't been switched and so forth. So when it looks important, I ask him. Now, with the gas bill, it was coming repeatedly and never with our name on it. So finally I asked David if it was ours and if we should pay it. He said yes. So on October 25th, I went to the bank and paid the gas bill. Once again, an outstanding bill, but it was paid and that was that. So when this guy came to my door last night to tell me to pay the bill or he will cut off the gas, I almost hit him. He asked if I had the receipt and frantically I went looking through my desk trying to find it. Couldn't. He called the company and they didn't have a record of payment. FINALLY I found the receipt and he looked at it, said ok and left. I later looked at the bill and realized that I had paid it on October 25th. This is two weeks later. I certainly don't understand how it is possible that in two weeks a payment hasn't gone through. I need to call them today to check this out. OK, this is partly our fault, for not paying on time, but Holy hashem! What is with this place? More than two weeks for a payment to go through, bills that are not sent? It is insane. I spoke to an Israeli about this last night and she said "What, in Canada this never happens?" I have NEVER had Telus, or BC Hydro FORGET to send me a bill. NEVER. This puts one more piece of evidence on my list of how Israel is a very disorganized and inefficient country. Personally I think that is why this country has so many problems. They can't get it together. Anyway, this isn't a political blog...So this morning, determined to do something to destress, I called a place where I had heard that they have massage. It is an office next to my doctor's office and the last time I was there I asked the secretary what it was. She told me massage. So I called this morning to schedule an appointment and miracle of miracles, I could come right away which I did and it was so good. And massage is so good during pregnancy, right Jen? And he was very good at it. I feel much better. I could just imagine how tight my muscles must be after 9 months here with barely any exercise but incredible amounts of stress. And, you know, it isn't even that expensive. 4 massages for less than 100 dollars. That's pretty good. My goal today is to call this place where they have yoga and talk to them about what classes they offer. I would like to go to yoga at least once a week. I am learning that if I persist, I can find someone that speaks English or French combined with the Hebrew I know and I can get by. So wonderful! Now I must go and pick up little Emil from school, come home, and clean for shabbat! Happy Thursday dear friends!

Here is a picture of our baby at almost 17 weeks old BB (BB stands for before birth). We were at the doctor tonight and had the ultrasound done and we got to see all of the baby. We saw it's heart and lungs and liver and kidneys and it's head and legs and hands and feet and and spine and everything. It is just so amazing the technology that there is today. I am just so amazed. I think the baby looks a lot like Emil. Anyway, we are both thrilled David and I and very very excited. It gets more and more real every single day. It weighs approximately 6 ounces now. It is big!!! Takes after its father's side...
Hahahaha.

Missing Everyone

Was so sad today. I think I am having the moodswings that I didn't get in the first trimester. I was cleaning the house for shabbat and feeling ever so frustrated by the dirt, dog hair, pee on the floor from a 5 year old and I just started crying. I couldn't get my internet to work so I had to call the internet provider and battle my way there and while she was asking me to check things, I accidentally unplugged the phone and we got cut off, so when I called back, I had to go through all the Hebrew choices again and then I just pressed 0, which is my foolproof method of getting through to someone who speaks English and then finally I was put through to someone who told me that they had to get someone to call me back and in the meantime, I cleaned. Emil's room, which for some reason is like a sandbox, this kid is a magnet for sand, I don't know why. Then the bathroom. I was having trouble with the hot water again, as we turn off the hot water heater at night because it is heated by gas and it is expensive to keep it on all night. I had this same problem last night, I just wanted to take a bath last night. I am suffering from sinusitis, so I thought that if I took a hot bath, it would help me. But there was no hot water and when I figured out what was wrong, why it wasn't heating up, it was 9:30 at night, so by the time I got a bath it was 10:30 and I was so frustrated as there wasn't even enough hot water to fill up the bath to a good depth and I was exhausted and I just wanted to go to sleep, but I took a mini bath. Then this morning, after the crap with the internet and feeling frustrated as I feel like we are living in limbo, just waiting to come home and nothing feels organized in the house, I just started to cry, missing my Ikea furniture from home and hating this apartment. I miss my oriental rugs and my Ikea duvet cover which I can't get here, because they don't have the color I want at the Ikea here. I ran out of Tylenol, imported from Canada, which was also a bad thing, because it is the only medicine that helps me when I have a headache or sinus pain and you can still take it when you are pregnant. I went to the Pharmacy tonight and asked for something that you can take when you are pregnant and they gave me acamol, it is supposed to be the same as Tylenol. I hope so. I also asked for something for my sinuses and they directed me towards some homeopathic nose sprays that are for children. I have both of the ones here that they reccommended, as we had gotten them for Emil. I used one and sprayed it into my nose and lo and behole, my nose pain and headache are gone. It seems like as I soon as I started converting, my sinuses started acting up. I wonder if there is a connection. I have had many problems with my nose too, since I have been in Israel.
I miss home. I miss my friends an awful lot. I think of all the things that I had planned to do when I was pregnant, prenatal yoga, prenatal exercise, etc. They don't have those things in Ashdod. I may have to brave Tel Aviv. But yesterday when I was at the doctor, I found that there is a massage clinic there too, so maybe next week I can go for a massage. That would be great. But mostly, I just miss my life. I miss talking to my girlfriends on the phone, or going for coffee or walking out and running into people I know. Going to meetings when I needed to. My Jewish community. Most days now, I am okay, but every once in awhile, I just get sad. That is why it means so much to hear from you guys. Really.
I miss you.

Well, I went to the doctor today. I am 16 weeks pregnant. I was concerned as I had had some bleeding last week after a night when I had done something private with my husband...The doctor doesn't seem to be overly concerned but on Sunday I am going back to the doctor who gave us the 3D pictures for more tests and I am to ask him about the placenta, where it is sitting. If it is too low, it is called placenta previa and that could be why I bled. But she checked and it seems that I have blood on the outside of the cervix, which is not a big deal, I guess. In the meantime, David and I have to refrain from sex until I see the other doctor and we can determine whether or not the placenta is low. I told David, that this child is already ruining our sex life...And making me worry constantly about it...
I am still pretty tired. I seem to need a lot of sleep. This morning I woke up at 8:30 because I had the doctors appointment today. That means I had about 7 hours of sleep. That just isn't enough anymore. I am pretty tired now. I am making soup for lunch for Emil and I and I am also going to have a grilled cheese sandwich fried in a pan to go with it. I notice that when I get hungry now, it starts as a pang and then it gets crazy ravenous in a very short period of time. The other day I went to get my hair highlighted and it took 2 and a half hours and I didn't eat before I went and I was starving for the whole thing and all I could think about was leaving to go eat. It didn't help that the hair salon is right next to a pizza place and hamburger joint.
I have gained about 7 pounds from the beginning. Actually, I have gained 7 pounds in the last month. That is incredible. My stomach is definitely puffy now and it looks pregnant to me. It is kind of cool. But hard for someone who had struggled with self image problems all her life. That is why I went to get my hair done. I also got my eyebrows and mustache waxed too. It did help until I saw my stomach...Oh well, I will hopefully get used to it.
I am thrilled to have maternity clothes now. It is so much more comfortable. I still need to buy more. I went last week to a mall where I had never been in our city and where the only maternity shop that I am aware of is located. It was nice. Emil helped me pick out the clothes. I also bought a nursing bra, it was the only maternity bra that they had. It has lessened the pain of my breasts.
I am becoming more and more forgetful. Today I went to the doctor and my name wasn't on the list and I can't figure out if it was my mistake or theirs. I am pretty sure my appointment was for today, but I may have mixed it up. This is now a possibility. I am usually so good at remembering thing. Not so much now.
I have been watching Starting Over, we get all the old episodes. One of the girls, Josie had a baby and it does not look pleasant. It freaks me out. David just laughs when I tell him I want to keep the baby inside and let it be born from my head. I say I am going to just cough and it will be born, no pain, no trouble. It is scary having a baby. I told David that he has to be in the room the whole time and he doesn't get to leave for smoke breaks or anything! That's it. When we first met he said he wouldn't want to be in the room for the delivery, part of it had to do with Jewish law, but there are loopholes to that law and ways that you can still be in the room and be there. So he WILL be in the room, whether he likes it or not!
Well, that's the update on the pregnancy for now.

Fear

I have been watching a lot of shows on TV lately that all seem to have to do with giving birth. And quite frankly, they scare the hell out of me. I am starting to get worried. Worried about giving birth, because it is going to hurt. Also, so many things can go wrong. On one show, Starting Over, they have a girl who is due to give birth any day now and she had a tour of the hospital. At the hospital they showed her the OR, where she would go if she had to have a ceasarian. It freaked me out. They strap your legs and your hands and they do the operation and all they give you is an epidural. You are awake watching while they cut your stomach open. It was too much for me. I came out of my room, and told David, that's it, this baby is staying inside. I am not letting it come out. If it wants to come out I will give birth from my head, like Zeus did with Athena. I can handle a bad headache, but something coming out of my vagina, or watching someone cut me open, so that I can see parts of me that I am not meant to, that's not my idea of a fun evening, afternoon, or morning. I don't know. The fantasy of having a baby is a lot more romantic, I think than the reality. Whenever I envisioned myself with child, I imagined being pregnant and wearing overalls. I imagined holding a baby in my arms and walking quietly with it to its bed. I imagined me with a one year old. I have never imagined myself giving birth and moaning like a mating cat. I have never imagined myself staying up all night to comfort a crying baby. I always got the best part of parenting while working as a nanny. I got to go home to my quiet apartment at the end of the day and rest up before having to do it again the next morning. Now I am not going to have that option. I will be responsible for it 24 hours a day for the next 4 years. Until it is old enough to go to preschool. I worry that I am too selfish to have a child. I worry that I am not organized enough. I worry that I haven't researched this issue enough. I worry about not knowing how to make homemade baby food. I know how to do the essentials in childcare, I know how to change a diaper, I know how to hold a baby, I know how to rock it to sleep, but do I know enough to be a parent? Do I have enough selflessness inside of me to be a parent? Am I stable enough emotionally to give unconditionally to another human being? I don't know.
On the other side of this, my sister had a baby a year and a half ago and the birth was very traumatic for her. First, she gave birth a month early and secondly she was told that her son has down syndrome. She was devastated by everything. She is the best mother, she really is. And he is a great kid. He has a wonderful sense of humor at only 16 months. And usually a kid with a great sense of humor is a sign of a happy kid, which is a reflection of how the parents are with them. I am proud of her. Now she is pregnant with her second and she is worried. And I think she has good reason to worry. This is not imaginary. The first time, she didn't know enough to ask the right questions and now she knows a lot and it is hard for her to decide what the right steps are for her to take. I had a miscarriage before this baby. It was very traumatic for me. I felt like it was a punishment from G-d for having had a termination when I was 20. And it was so painful to go through, here in Israel, with no one to hold me and comfort me. I felt so alone. I prayed for that pregnancy. I prayed hard for it. And I lost it. It is such a strange term in english. I lost the baby. Like it was my fault. I put it somewhere and couldn't remember where and I lost my baby. In Hebrew, the phrase for a miscarriage is to fall out. This baby fell out of me and there was nothing I could do about it. And now, I am so worried that this baby is going to fall out of me. I don't know when I am going to stop checking for blood. Every cramp or pain scares me. Every none pain scares me. I try to trust but I am overly cautious about certain things. And then what has happened is that I have dreampt for so long about being pregnant, now I am scared to death. I am 14 weeks today. About 25 weeks left to go...

FAT

I am getting worried about getting fat. All these years of worrying about my weight and trying to maintain a healthy weight and then losing weight to be healthy and attractive and now I have to let go and forget about all these worries. Slowly, my clothes are shrinking and I can no longer comfortably fit in to some of my skirts, as well as my shirts. I am most comfortable in my Victoria's Secret lounge pants and a man's tank top. This is my favorite outfit at night. By day, I have a pair of shorts that I bought here and the tank. Today is Shabbat, and it is harder now to find a comfortable outfit. It is okay, really, because in Israel, I don't go to synagogue so I can wear what is most comfortable for the house.
David and I have a running joke. He asks me if he is fat. At first I would say "No, honey, you are not fat, you are cuddly like a Teddy Bear." Then one day he asked me and I said "Did you ever think that if you think you are fat, it is because you are?" This is a call back to my first marriage. Once I asked Brian if I looked fat and that was the response that he gave me. It was a mean spirited thing for him to say, at a time when our relationship wasn't going well. Which happened to be from day 60. I wasn't fat. I wasn't even chubby. He was just mean. I explained this answer to David, who actually laughed. I guess the male sense of rationale will always be misunderstood by women. So this was my answer for a few weeks to David, as he asked me if I thought he was fat. Then one day, just for fun, he asked me if I thought he was fat. I said simply "Yes." This brought him to tears, as he laughed. Okay, our method of joking could sometimes be perceived as sick by the outside world, but to us, we understand one another. That is why I love David. Because on the inside, we understand each other. We have the same past which gives us the same way of thinking, which can cause disagreements but also gives us a sense of comfort.
When I ask David if I am fat, he always tells me that since I got pregnant, I am more beautiful. And he really means it, that is the amazing thing. I am barely showing to the outside world, my chest is bigger and my stomach is bigger, I look like I have just gained weight. I am clumsier, I have broken 4 glasses in the past week. But for the moment, I am content. Serene. I don't know. It is nice to feel like this finally and not tense and stressed and angry. Acceptance is the answer to all our problems today. When I focus on the problem, the problem gets bigger and bigger but when I focus on the answer, the answer increases...
Shabbat Shalom.

Onions

The other day, I was at the mall, browsing. I am in the music store, looking at DVD's - I am trying to find Memoirs of A Geisha, haven't seen it yet, when all of a sudden, I smell something horrible. Like rotting onions. There is this girl beside me and she STINKS! So I move away, but it's like she's coming after me and raising her arm right next to my face. I wanted to tell her to go and buy some deoderant. And the thing is, it is like she was stalking me, every store I went into in the mall, there she was, right beside me. Wreaking. OK, I get the natural thing, not wanting to pollute your body yadda yadda yadda, but there are natural deoderants, man. Buy one of them. I get that maybe she just forgot that morning to put deoderant on, but the drugstore is in the mall. Buy a new one. Put it on, and the whole world is happy. I am against not wearing deoderant and for some reason, there are a number of people in Israel who don't wear deoderant. I just think that we should think about other people. If we don't want to wear deoderant for ourselves, than do it as a mitzvah for others. I have a much more heightened sense of smell now. Do it for me. That is air pollution. She should have been fined for emitting toxins in a public place, as for that matter, should people who fart in elevators. Or Superstore (and you know who you are!).
I would like to give birth in Canada, although I have a very good ob/gyn here. She is very nice. I would like to move back home. I am still not in love with Israel. I even miss the rain. We do want to come back. We are waiting for the visa. I should write the play, Waiting For A Visa...Not Without My Husband. Maybe I could smuggle him to Turkey...

Sore breasts and Sore Ribs

My friend Abby suggested that I start a pregnancy blog for my friends who are far away. That, of course, would include everybody!
I am still exhausted all the time. This doesn't seem to be going away yet. My boobs are sore and I did a calculator for my bra size and apparently I am a 34F. It can just get worse from here...
I haven't really felt pregnant yet, since I haven't had bad nausea or vomiting or any other of the things that you hear that so many women experience. I am lucky. But now I am starting to feel pregnant. Tonight, I was doing a yoga exercise and my belly kept rubbing my legs. That has never happened before. I would like to say that it is because I am so flexible that now I can reach that far down, but, that's a lie. My clothes are getting really uncomfortable now. Most of them are too tight. It is time to go shopping for new ones. I can't, however, find the maternity stores. It seems to be an Israeli secret. Just like so many other things in this country.
We went for the nuchal translucency test the other day and got 3D pictures of what the baby looks like right now. It was amazing and it really made this whole pregnancy a lot more real. For both me and David. The baby's not so pretty right now, looks like it is the child of the elephant man, but I am sure that will change...I hope. We also saw it move. In one picture it looks like it is waving at us. So cute. We go for another one in a month. It will be interesting to see how much it has changed.
David is being really sweet since we went for this ultrasound. Tonight he gave me a massage. He made dinner last night and the night before and let me rest all day.
I miss my Mom. And the rest of my friends in Vancouver. With all your prayers, dear friends, perhaps, I will be able to deliver in Vancouver. Keep your prayers going and fingers crossed (is that goyish?)