FAT

I am getting worried about getting fat. All these years of worrying about my weight and trying to maintain a healthy weight and then losing weight to be healthy and attractive and now I have to let go and forget about all these worries. Slowly, my clothes are shrinking and I can no longer comfortably fit in to some of my skirts, as well as my shirts. I am most comfortable in my Victoria's Secret lounge pants and a man's tank top. This is my favorite outfit at night. By day, I have a pair of shorts that I bought here and the tank. Today is Shabbat, and it is harder now to find a comfortable outfit. It is okay, really, because in Israel, I don't go to synagogue so I can wear what is most comfortable for the house.
David and I have a running joke. He asks me if he is fat. At first I would say "No, honey, you are not fat, you are cuddly like a Teddy Bear." Then one day he asked me and I said "Did you ever think that if you think you are fat, it is because you are?" This is a call back to my first marriage. Once I asked Brian if I looked fat and that was the response that he gave me. It was a mean spirited thing for him to say, at a time when our relationship wasn't going well. Which happened to be from day 60. I wasn't fat. I wasn't even chubby. He was just mean. I explained this answer to David, who actually laughed. I guess the male sense of rationale will always be misunderstood by women. So this was my answer for a few weeks to David, as he asked me if I thought he was fat. Then one day, just for fun, he asked me if I thought he was fat. I said simply "Yes." This brought him to tears, as he laughed. Okay, our method of joking could sometimes be perceived as sick by the outside world, but to us, we understand one another. That is why I love David. Because on the inside, we understand each other. We have the same past which gives us the same way of thinking, which can cause disagreements but also gives us a sense of comfort.
When I ask David if I am fat, he always tells me that since I got pregnant, I am more beautiful. And he really means it, that is the amazing thing. I am barely showing to the outside world, my chest is bigger and my stomach is bigger, I look like I have just gained weight. I am clumsier, I have broken 4 glasses in the past week. But for the moment, I am content. Serene. I don't know. It is nice to feel like this finally and not tense and stressed and angry. Acceptance is the answer to all our problems today. When I focus on the problem, the problem gets bigger and bigger but when I focus on the answer, the answer increases...
Shabbat Shalom.