Spirituality versus religion

It's been awhile since I have posted. This is like journal writing and it has been awhile since I have kept a journal. Don't know why. Just haven't for a few years. Yesterday I was in Jerusalem and did step 3 with my sponsor here in Israel. The step is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of G-d as we understand him". I did it at the Kotel (Western Wall). What a priviledge to do it there. I hadn't been there in awhile. It was nice. I had listed all my fears on a piece of paper and all the things that I want and I put them in the wall. It is like a wishing well. I have a g-d box, here at home, I have had it since early sobriety. When I have fears or worries, or things that are too big for me to handle or wishes, I put them on a piece of paper and put them in the box. It is like a physical act of handing it over to G-d and it usually lessens whatever I am worrying about. Doing this at the wall was a similar sort of exercise. I needed to get rid of a few worries. I felt amazingly relieved afterwards. I am starting to be reminded that my whole purpose in life is to strive to live a more spiritually balanced life. I love judaism and I think there is an abundance of spirituality within it. However, I think the lines get so blurred at times with the neverending laws. I see it a lot here. There is such turmoil within the orthodox and secular communities, one side demanding that there be no religion and the other side demanding laws be kept. So much confusion. I was thinking the other day that when Jews are in the diaspora, they classify themselves as Jews and are looked at as Jews by themselves and by others. Here is there is a distinction between religious and non religious, ashkenazi and sephardic, russian or european, morroccan or ethiopian. People here have forgotten why Israel was recreated. A safe haven for JEWS to live, a return to the country that we all come from. We are all Jewish, children of Abraham and Sarah, children of Hashem. It doesn't matter what country we came from in the diaspora, this is not our home, Israel is. It is where we hail from. Not the diaspora.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Anyway, there is so much infighting here as well as the fighting between the arabs and Israeli's. So much corruption and dysfunction. My fear is that Israel won't survive as a country like this. I want to be spiritual. I want to enjoy my religion. I want to be close with Hashem. That is what I need. I don't think Hashem cares whether or not I cover my hair or wear short sleeves. I think he has his preferences but I don't think he will reject me if I drift away from his wishes. That is the beautiful thing about Judaism. Once a Jew always a Jew. And it is pretty hard to break that relationship.
I am getting a rounder belly every single day. I am 19 weeks pregnant. This is about half way. I don't feel terrible and I am glad. I am getting excited about meeting this child. I wonder what it will look like, what color hair and eyes it will have, what it's cry will sound like, everything. It is pretty amazing to know that I making things everyday and I don't even know that I am doing it. I got What to Expect when you are expecting today in the mail from my sister and peppermint foot lotion from my Dad from the body shop.
I was exhausted today, having gone to Jerusalem yesterday. It is a long day for me and it is becoming more and more exhausting to do something like that. Last week we went to Haifa for the day from 9 in the morning til nine at night and I was exhausted on Friday. So this morning I just bummed around in my pajamas all morning. I have an Old Navy hoodie that I like to wear, which I bought last year for David, but he never really got a chance to take to it, as I stole it pretty much. It is super comfortable and perfect for the weather right now as it is starting to get cool at night. In fact, it is downright cold at night, which is really nice. I get to snuggle up to David underneath my duvet! Which in fact I am going to head off to do...