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I took Emil shopping yesterday to buy him a purim costume. He got superman. It's got a cape. And a padded chest giving him a six pack. David says that he (David) doesn't have a six pack, but rather a keg. Funny. Anyway, I took Emil to a baby store as I wanted to look at things for the baby. I still haven't bought anything for it. Partly from superstition but yesterday, standing there, thinking about making a choice, it got so overwhelming. Emil was picking out toys for the baby. How about this one? How about this one? Things that the baby wouldn't be able to use for at least two years. Cute. But for me, standing there, trying to decide which onesies I should consider and what about swaddling blankets and burping cloths and all of those things, I just couldn't make a decision. I left the store feeling so incompetent. What right do I have to be a mother when I can't even make a decision about what clothes to buy for this child? I really wished my mother was here. That is the thing about mother's, they can help you decide what to buy. Tell you what a baby needs and be there with you as you pick things out. My mother and sister have sent a package of things for the baby, but I still need to prepare here. I wish she was here. It doesn't seem that we will be able to bring my mother here for the birth either and it is really hard to feel so alone. It would be different if I had other women who have experienced all of this here in my life. But I don't. At least not anyone that I feel comfortable talking to or asking for help from. This isn't how I imagined being pregnant or having a baby, but unfortunately this is the situation. So, I plow forward...
It is getting harder to sleep now at night. I have terribly vivid dreams, sometimes I dream about ex boyfriends, like I am working through old relationships in my dreams. I am so hot at night, I wake up sweating. Last night there was a mosquito in our room and it bit me three times. I had to cover myself back up to make sure that I wouldn't get bitten more, especially on my feet, where the bites tend to swell and get infected. I have scars from mosquito bites all over my feet now. It is gross. I am exhausted all day and when I try to nap, I can't. For some reason, sleep eludes me during the day. I am hungrier now too. The other day it felt like I spent the day, eating, sleeping or going to the bathroom.
I am 33 weeks pregnant. If I carry full term, that means that there is just 7 more weeks left to go. I long to sleep on my back. After I came home from the mall with Emil yesterday, I noticed my feet were super swollen, so I had to lie down and wait for them to get back to normal. My stomach is bigger and I am having trouble shaving my legs and other areas...It is such an adjustment, all of this and it isn't going to stop, is it? I feel nervous sometimes, as I am afraid that I won't be a good mother, that I am too self centred to think about being responsible for someone for a life time. I think that I don't know enough to do this. All of that stuff. And it is crazy, as I have worked with children for many years, from 6 months to 6 years. But I am much more comfortable with it being a job. There is less pressure. I could come and be fun for 6 hours a day. Then go home and rest and come back the next day to do it all again. I know how to prepare nutritious meals for kids and how to discipline children age appropriately, I know how to change diapers and make a bottle, I know the songs to sing and the games to play. But I don't know what to buy my baby so that it can have clothes. It's nuts. I miss my mom.