Thoughts on Motherhood

I have been contemplating the reasons that people have for procreating.  I know that in Judaism, it is a Torah commandment.  At least for men.  So there is certainly the religious aspect.  But what about for those who are not religious?  Is "be fruitful and multiply" really a valid reason for them, since they don't believe in religion anyway?

My Dad thinks that people who don't have children are selfish, but I think that people who have children for the wrong reasons are selfish.  But then again, I haven't fully defined what I think the right reasons are.  I know that I think that having children just as an extension of yourself is what I would consider a wrong reason.  Perhaps carrying on your blood line is a right reason.  If you like your bloodline, that is.

I know some people who don't have children yet.  And who have expressed a desire to have children.  But I am not sure that anyone who doesn't have children can fully understand what they are getting themselves into.

I find that it is increasingly difficult to describe exactly what it feels like to BE pregnant.  I wasn't one of those overall wearing, wheatgrass drinking glowing mother's to be.  I was tired and cranky and angry with the world.  I do, however, recognize, that I was suffering a lot of external stress that took away from the joy of pregnancy. 

I do remember thinking, though, after Chaya's birth "Why didn't anyone tell me it was going to be like that?"  I felt like all the women who had birthed a child were in on a conspiracy.  It was like they would only tell the good parts and leave out all the gross parts, because if they described them everything in detail, no woman would ever consciously CHOOSE to have a baby.  At least not through natural childbirth.  C section, perhaps.  I hear the recovery time is difficult, but an elected c section might be preferable.  AND you get a few more days in the hospital, with a nursery to take care of your baby when you want to sleep and food cooked for you. 

I remember with Chaya, that the 3 days in the hospital  (which you get in Israel) seemed like a holiday to me.  I felt like I was in a hotel and I was a little sad to leave.  I figured that is why the ultra religious women have a baby every year or so, because they get an all expense paid stay in a hospital for three days.  So they have to push a baby through their vagina - no pain, no gain, right?

To be truthful, I can't even tell you what childbirth is like, 3 years on.  I have forgotten.  I remember it was intense and painful, but it is such a traumatic experience, I think we women block it out.  Because, again, if we remembered it, we would never do it again.  I do know that I was devastated when I found out I was pregnant again, 3 months after giving birth to Chaya.  I hadn't forgotten the pain of her birth yet, so I remember being furious at David.  Basically, I went to sleep breastfeeding and woke up pregnant.  I am still not exactly sure how it happened. 

Then the baby comes home.  All of your energy is spent feeding this baby, changing it's diaper and trying to catch up on the sleep that you aren't getting.  Day 3 after birth, you spend the whole day crying, but not exactly sure why you feel like crying.  I cried after a nurse at the hospital asked me why I didn't speak Hebrew.  For some reason, this was absolutely devastating for me.  Day 7 it comes back, but now, you are a week without sleep, so you are not only feeling like crying, but you are pissed off at anyone or anything that crosses your path.  David forgot to bring a baby seat for the car and I was meeting him later, with the intention of walking to where we were going with the baby.  But because he forgot the car seat, when he came back to pick it up, I threw the phone at him.  Day 30 is another big day.  Now, you are just plain in a rage, because it is now 30 days without more than 2 hours sleep in row.  Now you just want to kill someone and I believe divorce was on the table for me at that point.  I do believe that if I had had a car, I would have left David.  But you can't go far with a baby in a stroller...

As time goes on, baby starts sleeping longer and you eventually start to feel rested.  But your life is now changed forever.  There is always someone there, demanding something from you.  Every single time I sit down, it seems that my children need something.  And when a child needs something, they want it NOW!!!  So even if you say, I will do it in a second, they repeat what they want over and over and over again until you actually do it.

This morning, I set my alarm for 6 am, thinking that I would take at least half an hour of alone time.  But my children seem to have a sixth sense for when mommy wants alone time (see mommy sits down, above) and wake up with me.  And then it's hard to be resentful of them for horning in on your alone time when they smile at you with their amazing smiles and say "Mornin' mommy!  I waked up!!!" 

I realize that I am probably going to have to wake up at 4 in the morning, just to get 30 seconds of alone time.  Awake.  So, right now, for some reason, I seem to have to go to the bathroom a lot in the night and I can't tell you how much I am enjoying the stillness of the night as I walk blind eyed to the bathroom. 

And then there is your "relationship" with your husband.  Sarah is a Daddy's girl.  Everytime I even attempt to hug him, she horns her way in there and takes over.  He is unequivocally hers.  In order to be even remotely affectionate with him, I have to wait until the girls aren't looking and do it quickly.  I feel like I am 14 again, and don't want my parents to know that I have a boyfriend...

What you learn fast, though, as a parent, is that life is no longer about you.  One of the hardest things that I find that my friends with children have, is the dilemma of keeping their own identities.  Feeling like one is not just a milking machine, but also keeping you in your life.  I mean, it's one thing to read these articles about keeping the romance in your life, within your marriage, but holy cow, keeping you in you????  Feeling like a woman when you have been walking around all day smelling of baby puke and poo because you pulled on yesterday's clothes when you were too tired to create another outfit?

If I find time to myself in a day, it is a miracle.  I don't have family close by and not a lot of options for calling other's to take over my kids.  So trying to find time alone with my husband is just as impossible.  I have compromised.  I take time to myself on Fridays, for a couple of hours.  And if I can during the day, I do.  When the kids are sleeping and I have either finished or am ignoring my household chores.  But time with my husband is something we are still trying to figure out.  I have heard that there are couples who try to have date night once a month.  That's pretty cool.  David and I went out for dinner last week.  That was nice. 

I teach my kids this: Sharing is caring.  That's what having kids has taught me.  Sharing is Caring.  That and caffeine is my friend...