How I spent my Chanukah holiday

I am sick. 

Again.

This is twice in the last six weeks that I have been truly ill. 

It all started almost two weeks ago, when I developed a small cold.  I always think that a cold for me, however, is a sinus infection.  But it was affecting my voice, so I knew it was a little more serious.  But I thought, hey, it's just a cold.  It will pass.

I finished up my work week before the holidays and the cold still wasn't going away.  I was really looking forward to the holiday, as I had a lot of things that I wanted to do, such as reorganize certain areas of the house, really clean and spend some time with my kids. 

I woke up Sunday with a terrible sore throat. 

"OK,"  I thought.  "I have a sore throat.  It will pass.  But I should maybe go to the doctor."

Living on a yishuv means that going to the doctor is no easy decision.  Fortunately I belong to a health care company who has an office on my yishuv.  However, the doctor is only in every other day and at strange times, which I can never remember.  And sometimes the hours change without me being aware of it.  This was the case on Sunday.  David was in Haifa and I was alone with the kids, well, my father is here, but he is also really sick.  I sent Shmuel to check the office hours of the medical clinic and he came home to report that it was now.  I had no energy to bundle up the kids and take them with me to the doctor, which meant that I had to wait until Tuesday morning. 

"It's okay,"  I thought.  "I am sure the sore throat will pass."

It didn't.  And David had some things to do outside of the house, which meant that I had to be responsible for the children.  Yesterday afternoon, he went to Jerusalem and I asked him to hurry home, because I really couldn't do it alone.  I was exhausted and in pain.

So this morning, I went to visit my doctor, who informed me that I had a throat infection, probably strep, as my older daughter, Chaya, had this last week. 

"Do you want a doctor's note for work?" he asked.

"I would like a doctor's note for my husband, informing him that his wife is sick and that she needs to rest."  I said.

He didn't seem to quite understand what it was that I wanted and by then, the funny had disappeared.

Fortunately, David took the kids with him to Jerusalem this morning and I finally had some time to rest.

But guess what?  I hate resting. 

Which is strange, because I keep saying that my dream holiday would be to go to a hotel for three days, alone, with a bunch of books and watch TV, eat, sleep and read.

I have had the day to do exactly that.  And I hate it.  I was so bored.  I made pesto for myself, did a bunch of loads of laundry, even folding two of the loads and putting them away.  I did the dishes.  I swept the floor.  AND I read, watched TV.  But no sleeping.  Because I can no longer sleep during the day.  Which really annoys me.  I just can't.

When I heard the little voices downstairs at 2 pm, I have to admit, that I was happy.  I don't like the quiet anymore, for too long.  I am just not used to it anymore.  It kind of freaks me out.

I remember a long time ago, when a mentor of mine pointed out that I didn't like to be alone with myself, I was in shock. 

"What do you mean?"  I asked, "I am often alone with myself!"

"No,"  she said.  "You're not.  You go home and you are alone, but then you turn on the TV or talk on the phone, or go on the internet.  You are not alone with yourself, you are ENTERTAINING yourself." 

I was so annoyed.  It was one more thing to work on, learning how to enjoy my own company.  A few years later, I went through a bad depression and would lie on my bed and not move.  The good thing that came out of that, was that I didn't feel the need any longer, to entertain myself. 

I could lie for hours on my bed.  Staring at the walls, contemplating my life, where I was and where I wanted to be.

I could take an hour long bath and just lie there and enjoy soaking in the heat of the water.

I took a bath tonight and after about 10 minutes, I got bored. 

I forced myself to stay in the bath, because the doctor told me that steam was good for me.  But I didn't enjoy it, like I used to. 

It's almost like I now have ADD.  I can't focus on one thing for too long.  I need constant change, constant going. 

I guess that is what happened after children.  I now have constant companions and I don't know how to just be alone with me anymore.  I always want to be distracted by something and I can always create a distraction.  Even if it means cleaning the floor with glands the size of plums.  Which is what I am going to do tomorrow, because I know the penicillin will have kicked in by then and I should feel right as rain. 

Plus, I don't think my "Boss" will give me more than a day off.  Especially because he is at the beginning of an illness too.  We have to take turns being sick, this being sick at the same time, just doesn't cut it.  Next time, I will make sure to co-ordinate with him.