Baby baby baby brain

Wow, It has been almost a month since I have posted. Now there are only two and a half weeks left until the anticipated due date. My stomach feels huge. Sometimes I pass by a window and see myself and I can't believe that this is me. It is strange. The baby still likes to move and sometimes it's movements hurt. I don't think there is a heck of a lot of room down there. But when I feel the movements, sometimes I can clearly feel a heel or a foot. I feel like someone in an alien movie where a hand is coming out of the belly.
Next week Passover begins, so I have been cleaning the house slowly this week in preparation. It hasn't been so bad, so far, but I still have the kitchen to do. I am glad that this is getting done now, though, because this means that the house gets and in depth cleaning before the baby comes. I know that I won't feel like cleaning like this after birth...And David is not the best cleaner. In fact, yesterday, I was cleaning our room and I managed to get down on my knees to look under the bed and found some missing socks and underwear (that is suspicious, when your husband's underwear mysteriously disappears). Apparently he thinks that under the bed is also a closet. And in the closet he had thrown balled up jackets. It is beyond my understanding how he can take the time to ball up his jacket and throw it on the floor but to hang it up nicely on a hanger seems to take too much time out of his busy schedule. So my idea of organization and perfection will have to take a back seat when the baby comes. When I came home from Canada, the house was in disarray. It looked nice on the outside, but the cupboards were all askew and it wasn't really clean...I spent my first week home organizing everything. I also did some more in depth cleaning and organizing then as I had terrible jetlag. For a week I was waking up at 3 and 4 in the morning. So I put the hours to good use.
I find that it is hard now to think of much else, other than the imminent arrival of this baby. I have baby brain.
Although throughout this pregnancy, I have been visited by memories of my past life. I don't mean a past life in the New Age sense, I mean past life, before I got sober. Past boyfriends, past experiences at the bar. The other night, I asked David how he used to pick up women at the bar. He isn't really the type of guy that I can imagine using seduction techniques to do so. At least he isn't with me. Maybe that is because we are married, I don't know. I just can't believe that in a few short years, I have gone from major party girl to staid stay at home wife and mother. It seems bizarre. I cringe sometimes at the thought of the person I used to be. I wish now, that in my youth, I had respected and loved myself more. I want to teach my children to love and respect themselves. That this idea that sex is some kind of free, physical act to be used as a way of proving your self worth is bullshit. I want them to value themselves for their minds. I want them to value themselves for their morals. To respect themselves and their bodies. Maybe this whole thing with Britney Spears going wild and ending up in rehab is a good thing for the world's young girls. To see that that behaviour only lands one in trouble. Too many of the world's female icons, whom the young teenagers idolize use sex and partying as a way of proving their value as women. I don't think it ever works out. At least not in my experience.
Must run, as I hear Emil making a mess in the living room.
Until next time.

Back to Baby

I took Emil shopping yesterday to buy him a purim costume. He got superman. It's got a cape. And a padded chest giving him a six pack. David says that he (David) doesn't have a six pack, but rather a keg. Funny. Anyway, I took Emil to a baby store as I wanted to look at things for the baby. I still haven't bought anything for it. Partly from superstition but yesterday, standing there, thinking about making a choice, it got so overwhelming. Emil was picking out toys for the baby. How about this one? How about this one? Things that the baby wouldn't be able to use for at least two years. Cute. But for me, standing there, trying to decide which onesies I should consider and what about swaddling blankets and burping cloths and all of those things, I just couldn't make a decision. I left the store feeling so incompetent. What right do I have to be a mother when I can't even make a decision about what clothes to buy for this child? I really wished my mother was here. That is the thing about mother's, they can help you decide what to buy. Tell you what a baby needs and be there with you as you pick things out. My mother and sister have sent a package of things for the baby, but I still need to prepare here. I wish she was here. It doesn't seem that we will be able to bring my mother here for the birth either and it is really hard to feel so alone. It would be different if I had other women who have experienced all of this here in my life. But I don't. At least not anyone that I feel comfortable talking to or asking for help from. This isn't how I imagined being pregnant or having a baby, but unfortunately this is the situation. So, I plow forward...
It is getting harder to sleep now at night. I have terribly vivid dreams, sometimes I dream about ex boyfriends, like I am working through old relationships in my dreams. I am so hot at night, I wake up sweating. Last night there was a mosquito in our room and it bit me three times. I had to cover myself back up to make sure that I wouldn't get bitten more, especially on my feet, where the bites tend to swell and get infected. I have scars from mosquito bites all over my feet now. It is gross. I am exhausted all day and when I try to nap, I can't. For some reason, sleep eludes me during the day. I am hungrier now too. The other day it felt like I spent the day, eating, sleeping or going to the bathroom.
I am 33 weeks pregnant. If I carry full term, that means that there is just 7 more weeks left to go. I long to sleep on my back. After I came home from the mall with Emil yesterday, I noticed my feet were super swollen, so I had to lie down and wait for them to get back to normal. My stomach is bigger and I am having trouble shaving my legs and other areas...It is such an adjustment, all of this and it isn't going to stop, is it? I feel nervous sometimes, as I am afraid that I won't be a good mother, that I am too self centred to think about being responsible for someone for a life time. I think that I don't know enough to do this. All of that stuff. And it is crazy, as I have worked with children for many years, from 6 months to 6 years. But I am much more comfortable with it being a job. There is less pressure. I could come and be fun for 6 hours a day. Then go home and rest and come back the next day to do it all again. I know how to prepare nutritious meals for kids and how to discipline children age appropriately, I know how to change diapers and make a bottle, I know the songs to sing and the games to play. But I don't know what to buy my baby so that it can have clothes. It's nuts. I miss my mom.

Not My Problem

I have had some disturbing comments regarding my last post. At least disturbing to me. And I want to comment on the latest comment that was posted. The reader said, and I am quoting "I think the girl was initially smart to try and just say she was British and that is a secular Jew's choice..." "I think she said that is self-protection mode."

The fact is, her answer "I'm British" didn't satisfy the group of girls, now did it? The young girl was STILL beaten up. Just like the Jews of the Holocaust who tried everything to appear not Jewish, they were still rounded up, put in ghettos and then taken to camps and exterminated. People who were 1/4 Jewish (meaning they had ONE GRANDPARENT who was Jewish but were raised catholic, christian whatever, were also rounded up and put in camps. So this so called "assimilation" doesn't work, does it? Jews are still targeted and it is getting worse. Thousands of Jews are fleeing France for Israel, I have met many of them in my town here in Israel. They say the situation is bad there for Jews, and is getting worse. Denying where you come from doesn't erase the fact that Jews are always targeted. Look at the news coverage from the Lebanon war this past summer. I watched CNN and FOX News. I saw the way they covered the war. There was very little coverage on how the war was effecting Israel. It was mostly what Israel did to Lebanon. They didn't show the empty towns in the North, they didn't show the 25 people living in a 3 room apartment in the south of the country. They neglected to mention the fact that three months before the war started Hezbollah was firing rockets into Northern Israel and they made virtually no mention of the two soldiers kidnapped by Hezbollah at the border. They didn't interview the soldiers' families, who, by the way, are still suffering without news of their children. And for the soldiers, Hezbollah wants Israel to release Arab Prisoners. The last time Israel did that with Hezbollah, the soldiers were returned DEAD.
I will admit, I don't like living in Israel. Last night, David and I were lying in bed and we heard what sounded like an explosion. We both were convinced that it was a bomb. And we never get bombs in Ashdod. That is one of the perks of living in this little southern town. I have missed some trips to Jerusalem over the last couple of weeks because of the rioting happening with the Arabs regarding the building of a walkway to the temple mount. I don't like living in this state of constant stress and danger to my life. Everytime I go to Jerusalem, I phone David as soon as I get there and before I am about to get on the bus to come home, so that he knows that I am safe. He tells me to be careful, sit in the front of the bus and if I see anyone suspicious, tell the bus driver to open the door. Not so I can run off, although that is a good idea, but because the reason so much damage can occur with a bomb, is because it sucks the air out of the enclosed space and people end up dying of asphyxiation. He learned all this in the army. Israel has its own problems politically and I fear for the survival of the state of Israel. There is a lot of infighting among Jews as well. And this country, Israel, was created as a safe haven for Jews, to come and live and not HAVE to pretend that they aren't Jews. So that they could be proud of being Jewish and could walk the streets safely without fear of oppression. And for the most part, they do walk the streets proud of being Jewish. It is a relief for many people to come here and to be able to live openly and proudly as a Jew. But it doesn't stop, just because they are in Israel. Now there is the terrorist threat from all sides, Lebanon, Syria, Jordan and Egypt. Each arab country has it's own terrorist organization trying to do harm to Israel. Then there is Iran.
The fact is, that Jews in North America live in a bubble. Especially in Canada. We are very free to be what we want to be, to practice what we want to practice. So we become apathetic about the problems in the rest of the world. Why should we get involved? That is our mantra. If we just live our own lives and mind our own business, we won't get hurt. But do we not have some sort of social responsibility towards others and ourselves?

The reader went on to say "I think the issue is more complicated than you give credit and can't be conflated with all of hate and racism." I am sorry dear reader, but if someone is hurting someone else based on the color of their skin or their ethnicity it is called racism, which, according to dictionary.com is a form of hatred.

I will post the definitions of racism here:

1. a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.
2. a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.
3. hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

I think the issue is not as complicated as you would like to believe and that is just another way of saying "There is nothing I can do about it, since I can't think of who to write a letter to about this in a politically correct fashion"
The North American way, to write a letter.
And dont' forget to be politically correct.

Updated Ultrasound

We just came home from an ultrasound. The baby is now a little over 3.5 pounds. It did not want us to see it's face, apparently. It is upside down in my uterus already and the ultrasound lady said that it will probably not change positions as now there isn't a lot of room for movement in there. I notice that when it moves, I can see it now on my belly. I have always thought that it was lying crossways, so I am surprised that it is upside down. But we got sort of a profile picture today and it's nose has gotten longer and less pug, more like my nose than David's now. I was hoping for the Malul nose. David keeps saying that the baby looks like momma (his mother) but who knows? I can't believe it is my baby in the picture. It is a little unreal still.
I am excited about the birth now. I just want to see my baby. Hold my baby. Feed my baby. I have gained 28 pounds so far. And believe me, the size of my knockers tell me that I could feed Ethiopia with milk. It is incredible!
I wonder if Anna Nicole Smith was breastfeeding before her untimely death? Can you breastfeed if you have implants?
Anyone have an answer for that?
I feel a little shallow as I am talking about a baby all the time. Today I saw something on CNN which enraged me. A 12 year old girl was the victim of an antisemitic incident in the UK. She was attacked by a group of girls on the bus. ON THE BUS! They beat her up ON THE BUS! I don't understand. How is it possible that a little girl is sitting on a bus and subsequently attacked and nobody does anything to help her? Even if there was no one else on the bus, how about the bus driver? Now, I am not sure what transpired other than the beating on the bus, however, they did say that she managed to get off of the bus and get help. The girls asked her "Are you British or are you Jewish?" She answered British. They repeated this question numerous times. She repeatedly answered British. Now here is the quicker, these girls who beat her up, were black (what is that? African British?) and Asian (Asian British?), so she was beaten up by other minority groups.
What I found sad with this particular story, other than the fact that it was a 12 year old girl, beaten up by other minority groups and not helped by ordinary citizens is the young girls answer.
British. I am British. Not I am a British Jew, but just simply British. This is 2007. Why are we, as Jews, still hiding our identity? Anti semitism has permeated our own souls, so that we are so intent on "assimilation", we refuse to acknowledge our identity. We refuse to be proud of our identity. Would it be a bad thing to identify ourselves as Canadian Jews, American Jews, British Jews? The Asians are called Asian Americans, Black People are African American, Indians from India are called Indo Canadians in Vancouver. But we, as Jews, prefer not to be recognized for our uniqueness. In fact, so many people don't even talk about the fact that they are Jewish. No, we are not instantly recognizable on the street, like Asians, African Americans, Indians Native or Eastern, unless we wear payas and kippas and long black coats, but why shouldn't we be? Have the cossacks and Nazis won? Have we let them dictate to us that we are bad? That we should blend in and no one will know? If you were in the United States, let's say, California, and an African American was approached on a bus and asked "Are you an American, or African?" What would the answer be? My guess is that it would be African American. Not just one or the other. You know, the African Americans, have many countries where they can trace their ancestry, Africa, South America, etc, Asians, from Asia, East Indians from India and all over that area, Muslims, as we know have many countries and where do the Jews have? Now we have Israel, a country that they fought for and continue to fight for. And are constantly vilified in the media for. Are we going to be able to keep this country? Or will we lose it and once again be stateless. It's not right that we should have to lose our identity in order to blend in to modern day society. Stand up and be proud that you are Jewish,people! Remember, some of us fought hard to be and remain Jewish. Teach your children to be proud of who they are and where they come from. I was asked at my conversion a question which I have been pondering for awhile. They ask Converts questions such as this: "There are people like the Nazis who would want to kill you, what would you do?" In my smart ass thinking before the conversion I thought, you know what? The Nazi's would have put me in a death camp anyway, because I am half Jewish anyway. But they asked me "You are moving to Israel and there are people who will want to kill you there, if you were asked to renounce Judaism in order to save your life, would you do it?" I said "You know, I have worked so hard for this, there is not a chance that I would do it." OK, I knew that was the right answer and the answer they wanted to hear. And now, one year later, and one year of living in Israel, the answer is even more vehement. I am proud of what I have done. I am proud that I became a full fledged paper holding Jew. I am proud that I will raise my children as Jews. And I will teach them to be proud of being Jewish. I want to teach them to keep kosher, which is hard if we aren't living in Israel, I will teach them to observe the shabbat, because really, is it such a huge sacrifice to abstain from watching TV and listening to the radio or talking on the phone or cooking for 25 hours a week? I will teach them to value the essence of Jewish spirituality by going to synagogue and looking for the beauty of the prayers and psalms. Because really, as much as the various denominations of Judaism will argue about religion, this is all a part of who the Jews are. As Human Beings, we say we don't like the structure that Orthodoxy imposes, we don't like that it is patriarchal, we don't believe in G-d, we live in a modern world, how can we live like people on a shtetl, why should we make ourselves more noticeable or differentiate ourselves from society? Well, why not? What is so bad about this? Why is it so bad to be "different". In North America, politically correct is the mantra. We don't call blind people blind, we say "Visually impaired" we don't say deaf, we say "Hearing Impaired". We teach our children not to stare at people with disabilities and to practice acceptance of people of other races, but then we tell our children, "Don't be NOTICEABLY Jewish, don't wear a kippa everyday, don't wear "shtetl" clothing." Isn't that a double standard? Is that fair? We are who we are, we come from where we come from, stand up and tell people, "I am Jewish and I am proud of it." Say "I'm a Jew, Are you? We're here, and there, get used to it!"
Love,
Me.

Awakenings

It's 10 minutes to seven in the morning. Usually I am not awake at this time, but I woke up at 5 and haven't been able to get back to sleep. But now I am getting tired. Emil is still sleeping, which is unusual as he normally wakes up at 6/6:30. But he went to bed late last night as he is now in this extra class twice a week after school where he is learning thinking and learning strategies. The teacher is very impressed by him and says he has a spark for learning which just needs to be nurtured, and with such nurturing, he could go on to be very successful. How is that for pressure at 6 years old?
Emil also got an award for being the best behaved kid at school last week. He was very proud of himself for getting this. I told him that I loved him last night and that I was very proud of him. He told me that he loved me, even when I put him on the naughty chair, he loved me. I think this comes from a period of time where he would think that I didn't love him when I was upset with him or if I put him on the naughty chair. I told him and have told him repeatedly, that I will always love him and that I love him no matter what. It is cute when they use things back at you and it shows that he understands what I am saying, the idea that I love him all the time. This, I think is more important for me than for David, as I am still the newcomer in his life and even though he loves me and trusts me, I think there is still a part of him that doesn't know if I am really going to stay. And he is still getting to know me. He's such a great kid.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Just a monthly check up. I have to go for another urine test and an ultrasound, just to check that the baby is growing normally. I have now gained approximately 28 pounds, which is incredible to me. I only gained 1 kilo in Canada, and since I have been home (a month) I gained 4 kilos. Technically, 28 pounds isn't so bad, as the reccommended amount is 25 to 35. So, if I can somehow manage to only gain 7 pounds in the next two and a half months, I will be fine.
I am starting to freak out about organizational stuff. David and I still have to decide on a hospital where to give birth. There is a hospital in Tel Aviv that is a private hospital, but it looks so nice, but I don't think that I will do it there, due to financial constraints. We also need to find a birthing class. David has this superstition that we can't buy anything for the baby before it is born, this is his side's superstition, which is adding stress as I am thinking of all the things we will need immediately, like a car seat and clothes and diapers and wipes and blankets and stuff like that. His sister said that I can buy clothes for it but just not store it in my room. But then, I feel like if I start buying things now, it is bad luck, as I am only 7 1/2 months pregnant and there are still 2 and a half months to go...My superstition.
I watched I Am Sam last night. It was on TV. I didn't cry because I knew the ending, as I had seen it before, but I really felt like crying. I am super sensitive these days, especially when it comes to relationships between parents and children. I can't get the movie out of my head though. I just keep seeing the kids face when she was with her Dad. That little Dakota Fanning! And Sean Penn did amazing work in that movie.
Well that is all for now folks. I want to wake up the boys.

Shavua Tov!

How do you translate from Hebrew to English? Impossible with trying to sound the words out phoenetically!
We had our friend Gidon and his family for shabbat. He has five daughters and Tami, his wife, brought her mother with her. Tami's father died two months ago and so her mother is now living with Tami. She is the only child. That is what happens here in Israel, when one parent dies, the other one moves in with you.
They are a wonderful family and I feel as if they are my family too. In fact, we are now related, as David's niece married Gidon's nephew, so technically, we are related...How does that work? Distant cousins through marriage?
Shoshi, their 17 year old daughter is going to New York tomorrow so I have given her a shopping list for Starbucks Coffee and more Body Shop lip balm.
I have been trying to get a hold of our lawyer again, albeit unsuccessfully. I am getting very frustrated. I long to be back in Canada.
The wind is fierce here tonight. It is rainy and stormy. The doors in my apartment are not very strong and always slam closed in the wind. It is very annoying.
Gidon and his family are still here, not having left after shabbat yet. They are all watching TV and his five year old daughter is watching TV in my room so I am on the computer.
Emil is asleep, he has school tomorrow and is exhausted as I let him stay up til 8:30/9 o' clock last night. He is so not good at staying up late, he just gets so whiny and grumpy. I bumped up his bedtime til 7:30 as he was taking a long time to fall asleep but I still think that is too late. He wakes up so early. I have to sleep til 9 or 9:30 as I don't tend to fall asleep until midnight anyway. My internal clock is late.
Anyway, this is just like a blog of nothing tonight, just a way to pass the time before I get to the TV!
Night.

Back Home on the Range

Well, it has been a month since I have been back in Israel. I haven't been very good at blogging. In these last couple of weeks I have been horribly emotional. I am crying at the drop of a hat. I was never a very good crier before, but lately, it doesn't take much to make me cry. I would suspect that it is depression, however, I got an email from a friend of mine, who is also pregnant, due about two weeks after me and she also has been feeling quite emotional, so I am going to guess that this is all hormonally related. Wow, that's all it took to express emotions? I should have done this years ago! Just joking.
I would like to mention that when I was in Vancouver, I spent a very lovely morning with my friend Abby. We met in university and in fact, she is the only friend I managed to make during my my one and one eighth semester attending UBC. She was very sweet back then...She still is. We went for a lovely brunch at the Naam, where I had pancakes and veggie sausages. I was obsessed with pancakes in Canada. I also got to see Abby's beautiful house. I was very impressed and very glad to see that there is a bedroom waiting for me and the baby to come and visit!
(You see, Abby, here you are!)
Anyway, I have to run as we are having guests for shabbat and I woke up really late this morning. Actually, I woke up at 6, because Emil came into our room to wake David up and I flipped over in my sleep and put my hand over the side of the bed and he grabbed it and then he crawled into bed with me for a cuddle. And I couldn't get back to sleep for awhile, but eventually did and now I am running late!

James Blunt

well it has been almost two months since I have blogged and I don't even know if any of you are still reading this. I will send everyone an email, maybe, so that you are aware that I have updated this blog. Because really, my friends, I am only doing this for you...
Just kidding.
I saw James Blunt on Oprah today. I know, that episode in Canada probably aired six months ago, but they are sadly behind in Israel...Anyway, I have fallen in love. He is so adorable and funny and cute. Maybe he thinks pregnant women are hot. He is now on my top 5 list of musicians I would marry in a heartbeat. He has the distinct honor of being the only one under 65. And one of my top 5 is a muslim! (Cat Stevens) Please don't alert the conversion authority.
James Blunt's songs are so heartfelt. So vulnerable. That is why he probably is hitting the music world so hard. We aren't used to the vulnerability like that in today's world. Yet we are all looking for ways to learn to be more open, more vulnerable. I think we think too much about it. I don't know.
So, I am now visibly pregnant. I know I was a little in Canada, but it is evident now. I went to a wedding the other night and everyone who saw me told me mazal tov. It is amazing how fast my belly has grown in the last month. It is like everyday I wake up and my stomach is bigger. David said to me this morning that he thought my stomach had grown since last night. I told him that it was just because I had bad gas and my stomach was bloated. I don't know if your stomach gets bloated when you are pregnant from gas. But he believed me.
I put on my outfit to go to the wedding the other night and when I looked in the mirror I was shocked. Up until this point I have been able to "hide" my pregnancy if I wanted to. But now, it is impossible. It was kind of weird to put on my clothes and look into the mirror and see a big belly. This is a really interesting experience for those of us with major body issues. Most of the time I am okay with it, but every once in a while I get a shock. I am just glad that it is growing and getting bigger. The baby moves a lot now. Every day. Especially after I drink a coffee in the morning. Or after I eat. Or when I rest.
I have the worst gas, worse than I have ever had. The other night I farted in my sleep and apparently it was so loud that I woke David up. I think that's funny.
You know, I don't care how old you get and how hacky it is, farting is ALWAYS funny.
So are burps.
I have been having some very vivid dreams lately. I had them earlier on, and now they are coming back. And sex dreams galore. You would think that I am a single pregnant woman with no chance for sex. Not true. Obviously. I am hoping though that some of these sex dreams will be about James Blunt now. I will listen to his CD over and over again today and let you know what happens. Although I won't tell in detail. A lady never reveals her sex dreams.
David is being so cute (speaking of sex dreams...) I have been going to bed before him since I got home from Canada. The jet lag has been hard to get through, although I think that I may be through it. I can now pretty much stay up all day and go to sleep at 10 and sleep until the morning. I am waking up once in the night to shift position or go to the bathroom or whatever, but I can go back to sleep, as opposed to when I first got home and I would wake up a couple of times in the night and then between 3 and 5 I was finished sleeping. This morning I woke up at 6:30. That was nice. I like getting up that early, though, because I can be awake when Emil wakes up and he is so cute first thing in the morning. And then I get him dressed and give him breakfast and get him off to school. And it isn't so rushed for David. Hopefully I can keep this up. It will be a better schedule for when the baby comes, not so much a shock to the system, maybe.
Anyway, I was going to tell you how cute David is being. When he comes to bed at night, he always feels my stomach. And in the middle of the night, he puts his arm on my stomach. Last night, I think he thought that I was sleeping, and I was, but he woke me up. He was touching my stomach and then he bent down and kissed it and put his ear to it for a minute. It was really adorable. I am really lucky, as I have a husband who is so looking forward to having this baby and he is excited about all aspects of it. He loves that I am getting bigger, prompting me to suspect that he has somewhat of a pregnant woman fetish. He buys me food and last night he came home with chocolate cake for me, as that is my favorite. The name we have chosen for the baby has real meaning for us. This baby has really brought us closer together and it is a gift from G-d, that is for sure.
Now the next hurdle is getting my mom here for the birth. And picking a hospital. Taking a childbirth education course, so I know how to give birth properly. What did women do in Laura Ingalls' time?
A

Spirituality versus religion

It's been awhile since I have posted. This is like journal writing and it has been awhile since I have kept a journal. Don't know why. Just haven't for a few years. Yesterday I was in Jerusalem and did step 3 with my sponsor here in Israel. The step is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of G-d as we understand him". I did it at the Kotel (Western Wall). What a priviledge to do it there. I hadn't been there in awhile. It was nice. I had listed all my fears on a piece of paper and all the things that I want and I put them in the wall. It is like a wishing well. I have a g-d box, here at home, I have had it since early sobriety. When I have fears or worries, or things that are too big for me to handle or wishes, I put them on a piece of paper and put them in the box. It is like a physical act of handing it over to G-d and it usually lessens whatever I am worrying about. Doing this at the wall was a similar sort of exercise. I needed to get rid of a few worries. I felt amazingly relieved afterwards. I am starting to be reminded that my whole purpose in life is to strive to live a more spiritually balanced life. I love judaism and I think there is an abundance of spirituality within it. However, I think the lines get so blurred at times with the neverending laws. I see it a lot here. There is such turmoil within the orthodox and secular communities, one side demanding that there be no religion and the other side demanding laws be kept. So much confusion. I was thinking the other day that when Jews are in the diaspora, they classify themselves as Jews and are looked at as Jews by themselves and by others. Here is there is a distinction between religious and non religious, ashkenazi and sephardic, russian or european, morroccan or ethiopian. People here have forgotten why Israel was recreated. A safe haven for JEWS to live, a return to the country that we all come from. We are all Jewish, children of Abraham and Sarah, children of Hashem. It doesn't matter what country we came from in the diaspora, this is not our home, Israel is. It is where we hail from. Not the diaspora.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Anyway, there is so much infighting here as well as the fighting between the arabs and Israeli's. So much corruption and dysfunction. My fear is that Israel won't survive as a country like this. I want to be spiritual. I want to enjoy my religion. I want to be close with Hashem. That is what I need. I don't think Hashem cares whether or not I cover my hair or wear short sleeves. I think he has his preferences but I don't think he will reject me if I drift away from his wishes. That is the beautiful thing about Judaism. Once a Jew always a Jew. And it is pretty hard to break that relationship.
I am getting a rounder belly every single day. I am 19 weeks pregnant. This is about half way. I don't feel terrible and I am glad. I am getting excited about meeting this child. I wonder what it will look like, what color hair and eyes it will have, what it's cry will sound like, everything. It is pretty amazing to know that I making things everyday and I don't even know that I am doing it. I got What to Expect when you are expecting today in the mail from my sister and peppermint foot lotion from my Dad from the body shop.
I was exhausted today, having gone to Jerusalem yesterday. It is a long day for me and it is becoming more and more exhausting to do something like that. Last week we went to Haifa for the day from 9 in the morning til nine at night and I was exhausted on Friday. So this morning I just bummed around in my pajamas all morning. I have an Old Navy hoodie that I like to wear, which I bought last year for David, but he never really got a chance to take to it, as I stole it pretty much. It is super comfortable and perfect for the weather right now as it is starting to get cool at night. In fact, it is downright cold at night, which is really nice. I get to snuggle up to David underneath my duvet! Which in fact I am going to head off to do...

Some days are good some days are stressful

I had a chaotic and annoying day, or to quote a line from a book that I read when I was about 6, I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I woke up to my electricity having been cut off. This was odd. I asked David why he thought this might have happened and he said he didn't know, that he was positive that he had paid the bill. I, however, was having doubts, as I don't remember receiving a bill from the electricity company, although, I can't be sure, since I can't read Hebrew and wouldn't know the name of an electricity company if I saw it. David made contact with the electricity company and we owed them money. 8 months worth of money. He went there and pointed out that we had never received a bill from them, to which they said, we know, we forgot, you owe us 2000 shekels. That's about 500 dollars Canadian. We paid it. I was livid. Only in Israel would a company forget to send you a bill. It was also frustrating as it is one of those moments where you really feel the limitations of being an immigrant in a new country where you can't read, write or express yourself the way you would like. I am pretty responsible with bills and never in my life have I had anything cut off as a result of non payment. This one was not our fault, however, except that we could have phoned the company, which I would have done if I hadn't trusted David's claim to have paid electricity before. Then, when the lights came back on, I wanted to connect to the internet, however, I could not, as there was something wrong with it. So I proceeded to call the internet provider, which is something that I do know and I managed to get someone to make an appointment for a technician to come here today to fix it. In the meantime, I figured out what was wrong, so I was able to tell the guy exactly what the problem was this morning when he arrived. It was something that I couldn't fix. Then, at around 5 o clock, a man comes to my door to tell me that I need to pay my gas bill or he is going to cut it off. I was, as you can imagine, by this time, about ready to have a nervous breakdown. You see, sometimes, we get bills for things in other people's names. Such as city taxes and the like. Sometimes, I ask David if it is for us, an account where the name hasn't been switched and so forth. So when it looks important, I ask him. Now, with the gas bill, it was coming repeatedly and never with our name on it. So finally I asked David if it was ours and if we should pay it. He said yes. So on October 25th, I went to the bank and paid the gas bill. Once again, an outstanding bill, but it was paid and that was that. So when this guy came to my door last night to tell me to pay the bill or he will cut off the gas, I almost hit him. He asked if I had the receipt and frantically I went looking through my desk trying to find it. Couldn't. He called the company and they didn't have a record of payment. FINALLY I found the receipt and he looked at it, said ok and left. I later looked at the bill and realized that I had paid it on October 25th. This is two weeks later. I certainly don't understand how it is possible that in two weeks a payment hasn't gone through. I need to call them today to check this out. OK, this is partly our fault, for not paying on time, but Holy hashem! What is with this place? More than two weeks for a payment to go through, bills that are not sent? It is insane. I spoke to an Israeli about this last night and she said "What, in Canada this never happens?" I have NEVER had Telus, or BC Hydro FORGET to send me a bill. NEVER. This puts one more piece of evidence on my list of how Israel is a very disorganized and inefficient country. Personally I think that is why this country has so many problems. They can't get it together. Anyway, this isn't a political blog...So this morning, determined to do something to destress, I called a place where I had heard that they have massage. It is an office next to my doctor's office and the last time I was there I asked the secretary what it was. She told me massage. So I called this morning to schedule an appointment and miracle of miracles, I could come right away which I did and it was so good. And massage is so good during pregnancy, right Jen? And he was very good at it. I feel much better. I could just imagine how tight my muscles must be after 9 months here with barely any exercise but incredible amounts of stress. And, you know, it isn't even that expensive. 4 massages for less than 100 dollars. That's pretty good. My goal today is to call this place where they have yoga and talk to them about what classes they offer. I would like to go to yoga at least once a week. I am learning that if I persist, I can find someone that speaks English or French combined with the Hebrew I know and I can get by. So wonderful! Now I must go and pick up little Emil from school, come home, and clean for shabbat! Happy Thursday dear friends!

Here is a picture of our baby at almost 17 weeks old BB (BB stands for before birth). We were at the doctor tonight and had the ultrasound done and we got to see all of the baby. We saw it's heart and lungs and liver and kidneys and it's head and legs and hands and feet and and spine and everything. It is just so amazing the technology that there is today. I am just so amazed. I think the baby looks a lot like Emil. Anyway, we are both thrilled David and I and very very excited. It gets more and more real every single day. It weighs approximately 6 ounces now. It is big!!! Takes after its father's side...
Hahahaha.

Missing Everyone

Was so sad today. I think I am having the moodswings that I didn't get in the first trimester. I was cleaning the house for shabbat and feeling ever so frustrated by the dirt, dog hair, pee on the floor from a 5 year old and I just started crying. I couldn't get my internet to work so I had to call the internet provider and battle my way there and while she was asking me to check things, I accidentally unplugged the phone and we got cut off, so when I called back, I had to go through all the Hebrew choices again and then I just pressed 0, which is my foolproof method of getting through to someone who speaks English and then finally I was put through to someone who told me that they had to get someone to call me back and in the meantime, I cleaned. Emil's room, which for some reason is like a sandbox, this kid is a magnet for sand, I don't know why. Then the bathroom. I was having trouble with the hot water again, as we turn off the hot water heater at night because it is heated by gas and it is expensive to keep it on all night. I had this same problem last night, I just wanted to take a bath last night. I am suffering from sinusitis, so I thought that if I took a hot bath, it would help me. But there was no hot water and when I figured out what was wrong, why it wasn't heating up, it was 9:30 at night, so by the time I got a bath it was 10:30 and I was so frustrated as there wasn't even enough hot water to fill up the bath to a good depth and I was exhausted and I just wanted to go to sleep, but I took a mini bath. Then this morning, after the crap with the internet and feeling frustrated as I feel like we are living in limbo, just waiting to come home and nothing feels organized in the house, I just started to cry, missing my Ikea furniture from home and hating this apartment. I miss my oriental rugs and my Ikea duvet cover which I can't get here, because they don't have the color I want at the Ikea here. I ran out of Tylenol, imported from Canada, which was also a bad thing, because it is the only medicine that helps me when I have a headache or sinus pain and you can still take it when you are pregnant. I went to the Pharmacy tonight and asked for something that you can take when you are pregnant and they gave me acamol, it is supposed to be the same as Tylenol. I hope so. I also asked for something for my sinuses and they directed me towards some homeopathic nose sprays that are for children. I have both of the ones here that they reccommended, as we had gotten them for Emil. I used one and sprayed it into my nose and lo and behole, my nose pain and headache are gone. It seems like as I soon as I started converting, my sinuses started acting up. I wonder if there is a connection. I have had many problems with my nose too, since I have been in Israel.
I miss home. I miss my friends an awful lot. I think of all the things that I had planned to do when I was pregnant, prenatal yoga, prenatal exercise, etc. They don't have those things in Ashdod. I may have to brave Tel Aviv. But yesterday when I was at the doctor, I found that there is a massage clinic there too, so maybe next week I can go for a massage. That would be great. But mostly, I just miss my life. I miss talking to my girlfriends on the phone, or going for coffee or walking out and running into people I know. Going to meetings when I needed to. My Jewish community. Most days now, I am okay, but every once in awhile, I just get sad. That is why it means so much to hear from you guys. Really.
I miss you.

Well, I went to the doctor today. I am 16 weeks pregnant. I was concerned as I had had some bleeding last week after a night when I had done something private with my husband...The doctor doesn't seem to be overly concerned but on Sunday I am going back to the doctor who gave us the 3D pictures for more tests and I am to ask him about the placenta, where it is sitting. If it is too low, it is called placenta previa and that could be why I bled. But she checked and it seems that I have blood on the outside of the cervix, which is not a big deal, I guess. In the meantime, David and I have to refrain from sex until I see the other doctor and we can determine whether or not the placenta is low. I told David, that this child is already ruining our sex life...And making me worry constantly about it...
I am still pretty tired. I seem to need a lot of sleep. This morning I woke up at 8:30 because I had the doctors appointment today. That means I had about 7 hours of sleep. That just isn't enough anymore. I am pretty tired now. I am making soup for lunch for Emil and I and I am also going to have a grilled cheese sandwich fried in a pan to go with it. I notice that when I get hungry now, it starts as a pang and then it gets crazy ravenous in a very short period of time. The other day I went to get my hair highlighted and it took 2 and a half hours and I didn't eat before I went and I was starving for the whole thing and all I could think about was leaving to go eat. It didn't help that the hair salon is right next to a pizza place and hamburger joint.
I have gained about 7 pounds from the beginning. Actually, I have gained 7 pounds in the last month. That is incredible. My stomach is definitely puffy now and it looks pregnant to me. It is kind of cool. But hard for someone who had struggled with self image problems all her life. That is why I went to get my hair done. I also got my eyebrows and mustache waxed too. It did help until I saw my stomach...Oh well, I will hopefully get used to it.
I am thrilled to have maternity clothes now. It is so much more comfortable. I still need to buy more. I went last week to a mall where I had never been in our city and where the only maternity shop that I am aware of is located. It was nice. Emil helped me pick out the clothes. I also bought a nursing bra, it was the only maternity bra that they had. It has lessened the pain of my breasts.
I am becoming more and more forgetful. Today I went to the doctor and my name wasn't on the list and I can't figure out if it was my mistake or theirs. I am pretty sure my appointment was for today, but I may have mixed it up. This is now a possibility. I am usually so good at remembering thing. Not so much now.
I have been watching Starting Over, we get all the old episodes. One of the girls, Josie had a baby and it does not look pleasant. It freaks me out. David just laughs when I tell him I want to keep the baby inside and let it be born from my head. I say I am going to just cough and it will be born, no pain, no trouble. It is scary having a baby. I told David that he has to be in the room the whole time and he doesn't get to leave for smoke breaks or anything! That's it. When we first met he said he wouldn't want to be in the room for the delivery, part of it had to do with Jewish law, but there are loopholes to that law and ways that you can still be in the room and be there. So he WILL be in the room, whether he likes it or not!
Well, that's the update on the pregnancy for now.

Fear

I have been watching a lot of shows on TV lately that all seem to have to do with giving birth. And quite frankly, they scare the hell out of me. I am starting to get worried. Worried about giving birth, because it is going to hurt. Also, so many things can go wrong. On one show, Starting Over, they have a girl who is due to give birth any day now and she had a tour of the hospital. At the hospital they showed her the OR, where she would go if she had to have a ceasarian. It freaked me out. They strap your legs and your hands and they do the operation and all they give you is an epidural. You are awake watching while they cut your stomach open. It was too much for me. I came out of my room, and told David, that's it, this baby is staying inside. I am not letting it come out. If it wants to come out I will give birth from my head, like Zeus did with Athena. I can handle a bad headache, but something coming out of my vagina, or watching someone cut me open, so that I can see parts of me that I am not meant to, that's not my idea of a fun evening, afternoon, or morning. I don't know. The fantasy of having a baby is a lot more romantic, I think than the reality. Whenever I envisioned myself with child, I imagined being pregnant and wearing overalls. I imagined holding a baby in my arms and walking quietly with it to its bed. I imagined me with a one year old. I have never imagined myself giving birth and moaning like a mating cat. I have never imagined myself staying up all night to comfort a crying baby. I always got the best part of parenting while working as a nanny. I got to go home to my quiet apartment at the end of the day and rest up before having to do it again the next morning. Now I am not going to have that option. I will be responsible for it 24 hours a day for the next 4 years. Until it is old enough to go to preschool. I worry that I am too selfish to have a child. I worry that I am not organized enough. I worry that I haven't researched this issue enough. I worry about not knowing how to make homemade baby food. I know how to do the essentials in childcare, I know how to change a diaper, I know how to hold a baby, I know how to rock it to sleep, but do I know enough to be a parent? Do I have enough selflessness inside of me to be a parent? Am I stable enough emotionally to give unconditionally to another human being? I don't know.
On the other side of this, my sister had a baby a year and a half ago and the birth was very traumatic for her. First, she gave birth a month early and secondly she was told that her son has down syndrome. She was devastated by everything. She is the best mother, she really is. And he is a great kid. He has a wonderful sense of humor at only 16 months. And usually a kid with a great sense of humor is a sign of a happy kid, which is a reflection of how the parents are with them. I am proud of her. Now she is pregnant with her second and she is worried. And I think she has good reason to worry. This is not imaginary. The first time, she didn't know enough to ask the right questions and now she knows a lot and it is hard for her to decide what the right steps are for her to take. I had a miscarriage before this baby. It was very traumatic for me. I felt like it was a punishment from G-d for having had a termination when I was 20. And it was so painful to go through, here in Israel, with no one to hold me and comfort me. I felt so alone. I prayed for that pregnancy. I prayed hard for it. And I lost it. It is such a strange term in english. I lost the baby. Like it was my fault. I put it somewhere and couldn't remember where and I lost my baby. In Hebrew, the phrase for a miscarriage is to fall out. This baby fell out of me and there was nothing I could do about it. And now, I am so worried that this baby is going to fall out of me. I don't know when I am going to stop checking for blood. Every cramp or pain scares me. Every none pain scares me. I try to trust but I am overly cautious about certain things. And then what has happened is that I have dreampt for so long about being pregnant, now I am scared to death. I am 14 weeks today. About 25 weeks left to go...

FAT

I am getting worried about getting fat. All these years of worrying about my weight and trying to maintain a healthy weight and then losing weight to be healthy and attractive and now I have to let go and forget about all these worries. Slowly, my clothes are shrinking and I can no longer comfortably fit in to some of my skirts, as well as my shirts. I am most comfortable in my Victoria's Secret lounge pants and a man's tank top. This is my favorite outfit at night. By day, I have a pair of shorts that I bought here and the tank. Today is Shabbat, and it is harder now to find a comfortable outfit. It is okay, really, because in Israel, I don't go to synagogue so I can wear what is most comfortable for the house.
David and I have a running joke. He asks me if he is fat. At first I would say "No, honey, you are not fat, you are cuddly like a Teddy Bear." Then one day he asked me and I said "Did you ever think that if you think you are fat, it is because you are?" This is a call back to my first marriage. Once I asked Brian if I looked fat and that was the response that he gave me. It was a mean spirited thing for him to say, at a time when our relationship wasn't going well. Which happened to be from day 60. I wasn't fat. I wasn't even chubby. He was just mean. I explained this answer to David, who actually laughed. I guess the male sense of rationale will always be misunderstood by women. So this was my answer for a few weeks to David, as he asked me if I thought he was fat. Then one day, just for fun, he asked me if I thought he was fat. I said simply "Yes." This brought him to tears, as he laughed. Okay, our method of joking could sometimes be perceived as sick by the outside world, but to us, we understand one another. That is why I love David. Because on the inside, we understand each other. We have the same past which gives us the same way of thinking, which can cause disagreements but also gives us a sense of comfort.
When I ask David if I am fat, he always tells me that since I got pregnant, I am more beautiful. And he really means it, that is the amazing thing. I am barely showing to the outside world, my chest is bigger and my stomach is bigger, I look like I have just gained weight. I am clumsier, I have broken 4 glasses in the past week. But for the moment, I am content. Serene. I don't know. It is nice to feel like this finally and not tense and stressed and angry. Acceptance is the answer to all our problems today. When I focus on the problem, the problem gets bigger and bigger but when I focus on the answer, the answer increases...
Shabbat Shalom.

Onions

The other day, I was at the mall, browsing. I am in the music store, looking at DVD's - I am trying to find Memoirs of A Geisha, haven't seen it yet, when all of a sudden, I smell something horrible. Like rotting onions. There is this girl beside me and she STINKS! So I move away, but it's like she's coming after me and raising her arm right next to my face. I wanted to tell her to go and buy some deoderant. And the thing is, it is like she was stalking me, every store I went into in the mall, there she was, right beside me. Wreaking. OK, I get the natural thing, not wanting to pollute your body yadda yadda yadda, but there are natural deoderants, man. Buy one of them. I get that maybe she just forgot that morning to put deoderant on, but the drugstore is in the mall. Buy a new one. Put it on, and the whole world is happy. I am against not wearing deoderant and for some reason, there are a number of people in Israel who don't wear deoderant. I just think that we should think about other people. If we don't want to wear deoderant for ourselves, than do it as a mitzvah for others. I have a much more heightened sense of smell now. Do it for me. That is air pollution. She should have been fined for emitting toxins in a public place, as for that matter, should people who fart in elevators. Or Superstore (and you know who you are!).
I would like to give birth in Canada, although I have a very good ob/gyn here. She is very nice. I would like to move back home. I am still not in love with Israel. I even miss the rain. We do want to come back. We are waiting for the visa. I should write the play, Waiting For A Visa...Not Without My Husband. Maybe I could smuggle him to Turkey...

Sore breasts and Sore Ribs

My friend Abby suggested that I start a pregnancy blog for my friends who are far away. That, of course, would include everybody!
I am still exhausted all the time. This doesn't seem to be going away yet. My boobs are sore and I did a calculator for my bra size and apparently I am a 34F. It can just get worse from here...
I haven't really felt pregnant yet, since I haven't had bad nausea or vomiting or any other of the things that you hear that so many women experience. I am lucky. But now I am starting to feel pregnant. Tonight, I was doing a yoga exercise and my belly kept rubbing my legs. That has never happened before. I would like to say that it is because I am so flexible that now I can reach that far down, but, that's a lie. My clothes are getting really uncomfortable now. Most of them are too tight. It is time to go shopping for new ones. I can't, however, find the maternity stores. It seems to be an Israeli secret. Just like so many other things in this country.
We went for the nuchal translucency test the other day and got 3D pictures of what the baby looks like right now. It was amazing and it really made this whole pregnancy a lot more real. For both me and David. The baby's not so pretty right now, looks like it is the child of the elephant man, but I am sure that will change...I hope. We also saw it move. In one picture it looks like it is waving at us. So cute. We go for another one in a month. It will be interesting to see how much it has changed.
David is being really sweet since we went for this ultrasound. Tonight he gave me a massage. He made dinner last night and the night before and let me rest all day.
I miss my Mom. And the rest of my friends in Vancouver. With all your prayers, dear friends, perhaps, I will be able to deliver in Vancouver. Keep your prayers going and fingers crossed (is that goyish?)