In the Desert, the Mighty Desert, A Mommy sleeps tonight!

A life beyone your wildest dreams

2011-05-06T16:29:00.000+03:00

I have been reflecting a lot lately on my life. Where I am now, as opposed to where I thought I WOULD be now. Every morning I sit outside on my balcony and stare out at the view. It is a breathtaking view. Rolling desert mountains, spotted with trees and horses and camels. In the far distance, I can see the mountains of Jordan, which means that just over the hills in front of my house, is the Dead Sea.

I heard a woman speak one day and she said "I have a life today that I never even wanted." She didn't mean it in a bad way. She just meant that upon reflecting upon the person that she was a very young woman and what that young woman wanted out of her life was so opposite to how she lived in the present moment.

I so relate to this. After my tumultuous teenage years and my early 20's, I had come to the conclusion that I would probably end up settling in Vancouver, get married, have a couple of kids, who would know the Starbucks menu by heart and enjoy playing in the playground at Stanley Park. I had friends who moved to the suburbs of Vancouver after they got married and had children, but that life so wasn't for me. No way was I going to be a suburban mommy. Ever. E-VER!!!!

Here is a list of things that I never thought would be a part of my life:

Chickens in my back yard
Horses across the street from me
Children who don't like shoes
Children with messy hair, except for on Shabbat
That a "fall" is a type of wig
Shabbat
Saying "I live 15 minutes from Jerusalem"
Being unphased by x ray machines in the bus station
Security guard at my sons school
Seeing people walk around with a huge honking gun hanging from their pants.

NEVER in a million years did I imagine living in Israel. Never did I imagine that I would live in a "suburb" of Jerusalem. Never did I think that I would become more right wing - at least in Israel.
Never did I imagine that I would see a war in a lifetime, let alone two.

My life is SO NOT how I imagined nor is it a life I ever wanted. Funny how things turn out, hey?

Laughter Is The Best Massage

2011-01-11T17:22:00.000+02:00

I used to dabble in stand up comedy, premarriage and babies. I never really committed myself to it, so I never got very far as a stand up comic. I got too involved in the "social" aspect and as a result, it made the actual writing and performing aspect seem less important.

I did stand up for the first time in 4 years, last year, for a group of women here in Tekoa. I was terrified, as it was in my community, which is very small, and I kept thinking, "This is like doing stand up for your family after Thanksgiving dinner". Afterwards, they may love you or hate you. And I really wasn't crazy about taking the chance that my new community might hate me. But the women at this show were extremely supportive and they mostly laughed.

It was a thrill to be around the yishuv afterwards and have people tell me "OH! You did the comedy!!! You were so funny!"

What was so thrilling for me, is how terrified I was of doing it, but how I did it anyway. I had in my mind that if I didn't feel like doing it, I just would bow out. I gave myself that option right up until the point that I actually went onstage. And while I was doing it, the sense of thrill came back to me. How much fun it is, when people laugh. How interesting it is for me, that when a joke doesn't work, I can move smoothly past it and still keep the audience's interest. How something that I didn't intend to be funny is funny and being surprised.

I once told a Comedian friend of mine that I had decided to retire from stand up. He laughed and said "Stand up comics never retire. We may "rest", but we NEVER retire."

He's right. I really want to do it again. I miss it. There is even the opportunity of where to perform. I just need to write some material and get comfortable with the idea of doing it again. But writing seems to be a difficult task, since I am a full time wife and mother and also work full time.

Last night, I was thinking of how much I miss laughter. I was thinking of who makes me laugh in this world. There are about three people who can really get me belly laughing. One is an old friend of mine from high school, whom I barely talk to or see anymore. The other is another friend of mine, Jenn, who was here in October. She makes me laugh and brings out the extremely silly side of me. She appreciates my sense of humor, so she eggs me on. We can laugh about things, still, after 20 years of friendship that are completely nonsensical to others.

The other person who makes me laugh, is my Mother. My mom is a clown. She is the one who taught me to be silly. She enlisted me in her practical jokes and as a result, I have a great mind for practical jokes. When she and I are together, we can often be found in hysterical giggles. My husband will walk in on us and be absolutely dumbfounded that our sense of humor is so similar. It was not easy for him to spend 3 days at the Dead Sea together with the two of us. Especially because he is about as prone to laughter as Archie Bunker.

I look at my two daughters and wonder which one will by my accomplice in the funny. I used to think it would be Sarah, but I don't know, she really idolizes her father, so my best bet may be Chaya. Chaya, however, tends to the serious side. Sarah is the goofy baby. I guess I will just have to bide my time.

In the meantime, I guess I can bring some laughter into our lives by getting back into it. Let's just hope that it will be soon!

2010-12-26T12:28:00.000+02:00

When I worked as a nanny in Canada, one of the things that I very much enjoyed doing, was taking the kids to the fire department. The children loved to have a tour of the firetruck, see the firehouse, complete with the pole that they slide down in the event of an emergency. We would get our pictures taken with the firemen and of the children sitting in the big red firetruck.

And for me...it was always the thrill of seeing the hot men in uniform. If I was really lucky, I would get to catch a sneak peek at the big, hunky firemen playing basketball with their shirts off. It was well known that firemen were great cooks as well. I often saw a team of them at the local Safeway, buying ingredients for the nights dinner. Once, I mentioned to the Captain of the squad near my house, how impressed I was that Firemen were encouraged to develop their culinary skills. He promptly invited me for dinner anytime I wanted.

I never took him up on the offer, but I always knew that it was there and was something I could brag about to my girlfriends. "I got invited for dinner at the Firehall! Anyone want to come???"

Here in Israel, life is completely different. The thrill of the day for children is not a firetruck or a police car. We live in a small community in the West Bank and rarely, if ever, see either of those. But we do see an awful lot of the Army, with their huge Hummers. That is the big thrill for the children.

"Look kids! A Hummer!"

Sometimes, the Army comes to do drills in our community. So we will see many a young soldier, with their big guns, jumping out of their army jeeps and Hummers, ready to do a drill. When I lived in my old apartment, there were a bunch of houses that were in the process of being built, and the boys came to do a drill. I really wanted to volunteer to be Fatma, the female suicide bomber, because it just looked like fun, playing bad guys and good guys. It looked like a good way to get some stress and anger out. And really, who doesn't like playing cops and robbers at any age?

The best, though, is in the summer, when they come to do drills and they all take their shirts off, because the heat is unbearable. Wearing only their saggy army pants, with their nice young, flat boyish stomachs. One can almost contemplate a Demi Moore type relationship.

Of course, the best I can do is say to my little girls "Look! Soldiers!!!!"

Unfortunately, they aren't so interested. At least not yet. In about 12 years, I know it will be a different story, but for the moment, I will just have to work on having a little boy, so we can share in the delight of soldiers...

How I spent my Chanukah holiday

2010-12-07T20:40:00.000+02:00

I am sick.

Again.

This is twice in the last six weeks that I have been truly ill.

It all started almost two weeks ago, when I developed a small cold. I always think that a cold for me, however, is a sinus infection. But it was affecting my voice, so I knew it was a little more serious. But I thought, hey, it's just a cold. It will pass.

I finished up my work week before the holidays and the cold still wasn't going away. I was really looking forward to the holiday, as I had a lot of things that I wanted to do, such as reorganize certain areas of the house, really clean and spend some time with my kids.

I woke up Sunday with a terrible sore throat.

"OK," I thought. "I have a sore throat. It will pass. But I should maybe go to the doctor."

Living on a yishuv means that going to the doctor is no easy decision. Fortunately I belong to a health care company who has an office on my yishuv. However, the doctor is only in every other day and at strange times, which I can never remember. And sometimes the hours change without me being aware of it. This was the case on Sunday. David was in Haifa and I was alone with the kids, well, my father is here, but he is also really sick. I sent Shmuel to check the office hours of the medical clinic and he came home to report that it was now. I had no energy to bundle up the kids and take them with me to the doctor, which meant that I had to wait until Tuesday morning.

"It's okay," I thought. "I am sure the sore throat will pass."

It didn't. And David had some things to do outside of the house, which meant that I had to be responsible for the children. Yesterday afternoon, he went to Jerusalem and I asked him to hurry home, because I really couldn't do it alone. I was exhausted and in pain.

So this morning, I went to visit my doctor, who informed me that I had a throat infection, probably strep, as my older daughter, Chaya, had this last week.

"Do you want a doctor's note for work?" he asked.

"I would like a doctor's note for my husband, informing him that his wife is sick and that she needs to rest." I said.

He didn't seem to quite understand what it was that I wanted and by then, the funny had disappeared.

Fortunately, David took the kids with him to Jerusalem this morning and I finally had some time to rest.

But guess what? I hate resting.

Which is strange, because I keep saying that my dream holiday would be to go to a hotel for three days, alone, with a bunch of books and watch TV, eat, sleep and read.

I have had the day to do exactly that. And I hate it. I was so bored. I made pesto for myself, did a bunch of loads of laundry, even folding two of the loads and putting them away. I did the dishes. I swept the floor. AND I read, watched TV. But no sleeping. Because I can no longer sleep during the day. Which really annoys me. I just can't.

When I heard the little voices downstairs at 2 pm, I have to admit, that I was happy. I don't like the quiet anymore, for too long. I am just not used to it anymore. It kind of freaks me out.

I remember a long time ago, when a mentor of mine pointed out that I didn't like to be alone with myself, I was in shock.

"What do you mean?" I asked, "I am often alone with myself!"

"No," she said. "You're not. You go home and you are alone, but then you turn on the TV or talk on the phone, or go on the internet. You are not alone with yourself, you are ENTERTAINING yourself."

I was so annoyed. It was one more thing to work on, learning how to enjoy my own company. A few years later, I went through a bad depression and would lie on my bed and not move. The good thing that came out of that, was that I didn't feel the need any longer, to entertain myself.

I could lie for hours on my bed. Staring at the walls, contemplating my life, where I was and where I wanted to be.

I could take an hour long bath and just lie there and enjoy soaking in the heat of the water.

I took a bath tonight and after about 10 minutes, I got bored.

I forced myself to stay in the bath, because the doctor told me that steam was good for me. But I didn't enjoy it, like I used to.

It's almost like I now have ADD. I can't focus on one thing for too long. I need constant change, constant going.

I guess that is what happened after children. I now have constant companions and I don't know how to just be alone with me anymore. I always want to be distracted by something and I can always create a distraction. Even if it means cleaning the floor with glands the size of plums. Which is what I am going to do tomorrow, because I know the penicillin will have kicked in by then and I should feel right as rain.

Plus, I don't think my "Boss" will give me more than a day off. Especially because he is at the beginning of an illness too. We have to take turns being sick, this being sick at the same time, just doesn't cut it. Next time, I will make sure to co-ordinate with him.

My Brain no longer functions. I need some Gingko Biloba.

2010-11-28T21:11:00.000+02:00

I made a huge mistake today. But let me start at the beginning.

This morning, my husband set off, fairly early in the morning, to fetch my father at the airport. The airport is about an hour or so drive from here, depending on traffic. He had gone early this AM to meet with a friend of his who was actually arriving today from South Africa. They met briefly and then my husband settled down to wait for my father, who was due to arrive at 11:15 am. At about 12:30, I phoned my husband, to ask if my father had come out yet.

"Nope, not yet" was the answer.

At 1 pm, my husband called me back and asked, "Are you sure he got on the plane?"

I answered indignantly "OF COURSE HE DID!!! If he didn't, he would have called."

We hung up the phone. 5 minutes later, I called back. "Isn't there someone you can ask, what is going on?"

Apparently, the only way you can find out, is to call the airport. Which is stupid, since my husband was actually AT THE AIRPORT. Why should he have had to CALL THE AIRPORT. But...this is Israel...

So, I quickly looked up the number on the internet and with my mind full of thoughts, like "Oh my G-d, for some reason, they have pulled my father to the side and are now searching him. And I know my Dad. After a long journey like this one, he will be overtired and grumpy and probably not very nice to the authorities, which might make it worse." I had thoughts of having to bail him out of jail. My next thought was that perhaps his Israeli passport wasn't up to date and they were giving him a hard time because of that.

I got through to someone at the airport who assured me that all passengers from the flight I had quoted had left the baggage area and made it through customs and immigration. Then she said "Are you sure he is coming today?"

Well...the NERVE!!! Like I don't know how to read an itinerary...

"OF COURSE HE IS COMING TODAY. I HAVE THE ITINERARY IN FRONT OF ME AND IT SAYS NOVEMBER 28, 2010. THAT IS TODAY, AM I CORRECT???" I said with a voice slightly raised, like a good Israeli!!!

"Well, you can call the Interior Ministry at the airport and see if there has been a security or immigration issue."

By this time, I had to go and pick up my daughter from preschool, so I hung up the phone, furious with this idiot of a woman who apparently has no idea who I am.

But her suggestion that I had the wrong day left a nagging feeling inside my head. What if she was right?

I got home and checked the itinerary. This is what it looks like:

EDMONTON/INTL TORONTO AIR CANADA 106 V 28 NOV 10 800A 135P OK
ARRIVES TERMINAL -1
NONSTOP FOOD TO PURCHASE FLYING TIME- 3:35
EQUIPMENT-E90
FREQUENT FLYER -AC 111239513 SEAT-16D

TORONTO TEL AVIV AIR CANADA 84 V 28 NOV 10 520P 1115A OKDEPARTS TERMINAL -1
ARRIVES TERMINAL -3
NONSTOP BREAKFAST-MEAL ARRIVE-29 NOV FLYING TIME-10:55
EQUIPMENT-BOEING 767-300

Now check out the first line of the second paragraph. That's the only part I read. Because the only part that was important to me was when he was arriving. It says 28 Nov 10 520 P 1115A. Which means arrival is at 11:15 am. I didn't bother to read the whole thing, which would have saved my husband a lot of trouble. And money for that matter. There is absolutely NO WAY that anyone can leave the Prairies in Canada at 8 am Canadian time and be in Israel at 11:15 our time ON THE SAME DAY!!!!

Sheepishly, I called my husband, told him my mistake and gave him my permission to come home.

NOW! Here's the amazing part. Even though he has to do this all over tomorrow morning, he came home, totally not even furious with me. Then, he even drove me and the girls to Efrat, some 20 minutes away, for pizza and then grocery shopping. Without a cross word or complaint.

I think my husband is a Tzaddik. Or, for you non Hebrew speakers - a Saint.

Perhaps tomorrow, my Father will actually be here. Who knows? Maybe he's not coming till Thursday!

Control

2010-11-21T14:58:00.000+02:00

I have control issues. I know that may come as a shock to those of you who know me (like my parents, who I think are the only ones who read this blog anyway...). However, it is true. I have control issues. Just ask my parents. Well. You won't have to, because they will comment on this entry and confirm this.

This past week has been a lesson from the powers that be that I am not in control of much and how to accept it gracefully.

I don't like to be confronted with my inability to control people, places and things. Somewhere inside of me, I truly believe that if people would only listen to me and do exactly as I say, we all would be happier. Both you AND me!!!

It doesn't help that I am a Leo. Once I read a description of a leo. It said "You can always tell a Leo. They will be the ones at a dinner party who tell the hostess that the food was good but would probably be better if they just did such and such. And they will be right." So even the stars say that I know better. It's hard to fight against the stars...

So it's not my fault that I have control issues.

The other reason that I think that I have control issues, is because, in my opinion, both of my parents have control issues. They will deny this. Watch.

Neither of my parents do very well working for other people. They almost always come into conflict with other people at work, especially those who have authority over them. They do best when they are self employed.

I have pretty much been self employed my whole life. Except for a couple of stints working at restaurants. Which never went over very well. I was not a good waitress. So, I always went back to my old stand by. Childcare. It is something I can do on my own and nobody tells me what to do through out the day. It works for me.

I think it is also one of the reasons I opted for stand up as opposed to acting. In stand up, you are the writer, director, agent, producer, star.

I gravitated toward what I am a natural for.

Well, I am not so sure that the work thing is a problem with wanting to be in control or a problem with authority. It could be either, it could be both.

Either way, my opinion is that it isn't my fault. It is bad genes and being born under a bossy star sign.

I can't help it. I am bossy and controlling. If you don't like it, too bad!

Bathing

2010-11-09T11:51:00.000+02:00

I never thought that I would come to relish bathing as much as I have since I became a mother.

For me, bathing is like cleaning the kitchen floor. It gets done if I have the time and energy. And I am pretty sure that my kitchen floor gets mopped more often than I take a shower.

This past summer, we were between houses, as we had to leave our previous place at the end of June and our new place was only available on the first of August. Since David's father had passed away in June, his house in Haifa was empty. So we packed up the family and moved there. David left shortly after for China together with Shmuel and I was a month alone in Haifa, with the girls. Haifa has horrible weather. Because it is on the water, it is humid as hell. If one walks outside for two seconds, sweat develops and rolls down your body, like you are a human shower. It is terrible. I hate humidity.

So there we were, in David's childhood home, which does not come equipped with a bathtub. The only shower is stuck onto the wall of the bathroom and is not encased or separated from the rest of the bathroom. At the end of the day, when I needed to give the girls a shower, I would get in with them and the three of us would shower together. I realized after about a week, that it was probably the most I had showered in three years, since I gave birth to Chaya.

Usually, at home, I get busy. I go about my day, then the girls get a shower or bath, as does Shmuel and then by the time the three of them have been put in bed and then gotten up about 65 times for water, another story, pee, poo, a last minute snack and finally asleep, I collapse onto the sofa and have barely enough energy to make it to my bed. So a shower, although seemingly a nice idea, is just that, a nice idea. I don't have the energy left to walk another few steps and do what one needs to do in order to take a shower.

I really never thought that taking a shower would become a task where the amount of energy needed in order to do so would become too much for me.

Add to that, that in Israel, the hot water is solar heated. In the winter, in order to take a shower or bath, one must plan ahead. It takes about an hour to heat up enough water for a good bath, so I favor taking a shower before dark in order to maximise the hot water. However, taking a shower in the daytime, with small children is a juggling act. I have gone days without a shower. And then, all of a sudden, I raise my arms and think "Oh crap, I really need a shower." Because, if you can smell your own body odor, it really means that you are a disgusting pig who needs to bathe.

In Israel, however, body odor seems to be common. Especially in the summer. Because the heat is so atrocious, it is impossible not to sweat, humidity or desert, doesn't matter. And no deoderant works well enough to prevent the odor. Believe me, I know, I have tried. As a result, in the summer, it is easy to get away with not taking a shower. The winter, however, calls your bluff.

Last night, I was in the shower and I thought, "Wow, this is so nice, to take a shower before bed. I won't have to do it in the morning. The house is quiet, the kids are sleeping and I am clean! Good for me!!!" My second thought was "That is so weird Amanda. You shouldn't feel as if you have climbed Mount Everest just because you took a shower." But I did. I felt like I had secured peace between Israel and Palestine. Accomplished this impossible but world changing feat.

I almost called CNN, but my rational voice took over that said "You need to get out more darling." So I settled for putting on clean pajamas and cuddling under my duvet and drifting off to sleep, dreaming that I had won the Nobel Peace Prize for being an advocate for cleanliness.

One year old observations

2010-11-03T21:32:00.000+02:00

I haven't had an inspiration as to a topic that I would like to blog about. I am too tired at night to sit down and type away and too busy during the day taking care of children and cleaning the kitchen. I sweep the floor in my kitchen about 35 times a day and do dishes about 70 times a day. I had all these great plans when I thought of having a daycare in my home, as to what I would do with the kids, how to be creative and teach them all sorts of brilliant things, so that when they became a Nobel Peace Prize winner, they would credit me with giving them a head start in life. But then I got all one year old kids and remembered that Obama won the Peace Prize last - for doing nothing. So basically, the children arrive, they eat, we go out to play, they eat again, they sleep, then eat again, then we go out to pick up the older kids from preschool and we eat again and then we go outside to play again. One year olds do nothing but eat and sleep and play outside. The one time I tried to get them to color, they kept eating the crayons, so I completely ruled out painting after that. I figure that the parents want their kids to come home healthy, so I now do what is in their children's ability at this time. One year olds barely even play with toys. They pick it up, look at it, taste it and then throw it on the ground. I forgot about this. Until now. I was so confused as to what kind of toys I should get the girls when they were one, because they never really seemed interested in anything. They really weren't. They liked to go outside. The world is a huge toy to them. They like to see things, people, animals, swings, sand. They don't give a rats ass about educational, Baby Einstein, Baby Freud crap. Give them dirt to eat any day. Then they are happy as clams.

Anyway, dirt has protein. I think.

A funeral

2010-10-24T22:06:00.000+03:00

Last Thursday night, a great tragedy occurred.

I came home after taking Chaya to ballet and went to the kitchen, where David was making food for the children. I set my cell phone down on the counter. When I came back to get get it, I realized that there had been water on the counter. I don't remember what David was cooking, the details are hazy in my mind. I wiped it off, but it had turned itself off. I opened up the battery case and wiped the water away. Still, no sign of life. I took my phone upstairs and plugged it into the charger, thinking I could revive it. No sign of life. I felt that if my phone just had a night of rest, then, perhaps then, it would have a fighting chance. The next morning, I woke up and turned on my phone. Oh joy, oh happiness, it worked! I was so happy!!! Until I realized that I couldn't make or receive calls. It said "No Network". I tried everything to bring it back to it's full power. But nothing, no amount of CPR worked. So today, I took it to the cellphone company, where my beloved cellphone was admitted to cellphone ER, and after an hour and a half, Dr. Phonedreamy pronounced it beyond repair. There was no chance of survival as it had suffered from damage due to corrosion.

I drowned my cellphone in less than a millimeter of water.

Fortunately, I was able to receive a new cellphone and the financial damage isn't quite as extensive as I was afraid it would be, as I had cellphone life insurance. It's not quite as complete as the one that I had to bury tonight, but I am sure that I will love this new phone, even though I may not love it AS much as I loved my old phone, but perhaps, in a different way.

I am not really sure why i loved the phone so much. I have never been partial to a phone, let alone a cellphone before. I only even got a cellphone for the first time in Israel last year. And Israel is a cell phone country. Most people have one, if not two phones at the same time. Everywhere you go, when you are asked for your phone number, they mean your cell phone number. And if you say that you don't have one, they are shocked. The conversation will generally look something like this:

Service person: What is your pelephone (cell) number?

Me: I don't have one.

Service person: stares at me with mouth open as they try to digest this information.

After a long pause...No pelephone? At all?

Me: No, but I have a home number.

Service person: What about your husband? Does he have one?

Israeli's just don't understand how you live without a cell phone. When I lived in Ashdod, it was very simple. I didn't have any friends. No friends means no phone calls, so it was completely pointless to pay for a phone that no one was going to phone me on. Then I moved to Tekoa. After I got through the initial fear of doing the hitchiking thing, I realized that it would probably be a useful thing to own in the event that I unintentionally got into trouble. So I got a phone. And since I now have a few friends in Tekoa and actually leave the house everyday at least once, if not more, they can reach me wherever I am and whenever they want.

AND, I have become proficient in text messaging. I have a certain friend who lives in another city in Israel and when I have some odd thoughts, I text them to her so that she can have a comedy break in her day. I won't give examples of those messages, as they shall remain private and are probably only funny to the two of us (gotta love in jokes...).

The other reason that I loved my cell phone, was because when I was buying it and we were checking for available numbers, the girl asked me what my home phone number was. I told her and she did a check and almost had a heart attack when she found that I could have my home number as a cell phone number. She told me she had never successfully been able to do that! So I feel special. Like me and this phone were meant to be. We were besherte. (Besherte = soul mates)

And although I have the new one, that is EXACTLY the same as the old one, I know that there is a difference. You may not, but I do.

Bye bye old cellphone. We had a good life together. May you rest in peace.

Thoughts on Motherhood

2010-10-20T13:19:00.000+03:00

I have been contemplating the reasons that people have for procreating. I know that in Judaism, it is a Torah commandment. At least for men. So there is certainly the religious aspect. But what about for those who are not religious? Is "be fruitful and multiply" really a valid reason for them, since they don't believe in religion anyway?

My Dad thinks that people who don't have children are selfish, but I think that people who have children for the wrong reasons are selfish. But then again, I haven't fully defined what I think the right reasons are. I know that I think that having children just as an extension of yourself is what I would consider a wrong reason. Perhaps carrying on your blood line is a right reason. If you like your bloodline, that is.

I know some people who don't have children yet. And who have expressed a desire to have children. But I am not sure that anyone who doesn't have children can fully understand what they are getting themselves into.

I find that it is increasingly difficult to describe exactly what it feels like to BE pregnant. I wasn't one of those overall wearing, wheatgrass drinking glowing mother's to be. I was tired and cranky and angry with the world. I do, however, recognize, that I was suffering a lot of external stress that took away from the joy of pregnancy.

I do remember thinking, though, after Chaya's birth "Why didn't anyone tell me it was going to be like that?" I felt like all the women who had birthed a child were in on a conspiracy. It was like they would only tell the good parts and leave out all the gross parts, because if they described them everything in detail, no woman would ever consciously CHOOSE to have a baby. At least not through natural childbirth. C section, perhaps. I hear the recovery time is difficult, but an elected c section might be preferable. AND you get a few more days in the hospital, with a nursery to take care of your baby when you want to sleep and food cooked for you.

I remember with Chaya, that the 3 days in the hospital (which you get in Israel) seemed like a holiday to me. I felt like I was in a hotel and I was a little sad to leave. I figured that is why the ultra religious women have a baby every year or so, because they get an all expense paid stay in a hospital for three days. So they have to push a baby through their vagina - no pain, no gain, right?

To be truthful, I can't even tell you what childbirth is like, 3 years on. I have forgotten. I remember it was intense and painful, but it is such a traumatic experience, I think we women block it out. Because, again, if we remembered it, we would never do it again. I do know that I was devastated when I found out I was pregnant again, 3 months after giving birth to Chaya. I hadn't forgotten the pain of her birth yet, so I remember being furious at David. Basically, I went to sleep breastfeeding and woke up pregnant. I am still not exactly sure how it happened.

Then the baby comes home. All of your energy is spent feeding this baby, changing it's diaper and trying to catch up on the sleep that you aren't getting. Day 3 after birth, you spend the whole day crying, but not exactly sure why you feel like crying. I cried after a nurse at the hospital asked me why I didn't speak Hebrew. For some reason, this was absolutely devastating for me. Day 7 it comes back, but now, you are a week without sleep, so you are not only feeling like crying, but you are pissed off at anyone or anything that crosses your path. David forgot to bring a baby seat for the car and I was meeting him later, with the intention of walking to where we were going with the baby. But because he forgot the car seat, when he came back to pick it up, I threw the phone at him. Day 30 is another big day. Now, you are just plain in a rage, because it is now 30 days without more than 2 hours sleep in row. Now you just want to kill someone and I believe divorce was on the table for me at that point. I do believe that if I had had a car, I would have left David. But you can't go far with a baby in a stroller...

As time goes on, baby starts sleeping longer and you eventually start to feel rested. But your life is now changed forever. There is always someone there, demanding something from you. Every single time I sit down, it seems that my children need something. And when a child needs something, they want it NOW!!! So even if you say, I will do it in a second, they repeat what they want over and over and over again until you actually do it.

This morning, I set my alarm for 6 am, thinking that I would take at least half an hour of alone time. But my children seem to have a sixth sense for when mommy wants alone time (see mommy sits down, above) and wake up with me. And then it's hard to be resentful of them for horning in on your alone time when they smile at you with their amazing smiles and say "Mornin' mommy! I waked up!!!"

I realize that I am probably going to have to wake up at 4 in the morning, just to get 30 seconds of alone time. Awake. So, right now, for some reason, I seem to have to go to the bathroom a lot in the night and I can't tell you how much I am enjoying the stillness of the night as I walk blind eyed to the bathroom.

And then there is your "relationship" with your husband. Sarah is a Daddy's girl. Everytime I even attempt to hug him, she horns her way in there and takes over. He is unequivocally hers. In order to be even remotely affectionate with him, I have to wait until the girls aren't looking and do it quickly. I feel like I am 14 again, and don't want my parents to know that I have a boyfriend...

What you learn fast, though, as a parent, is that life is no longer about you. One of the hardest things that I find that my friends with children have, is the dilemma of keeping their own identities. Feeling like one is not just a milking machine, but also keeping you in your life. I mean, it's one thing to read these articles about keeping the romance in your life, within your marriage, but holy cow, keeping you in you???? Feeling like a woman when you have been walking around all day smelling of baby puke and poo because you pulled on yesterday's clothes when you were too tired to create another outfit?

If I find time to myself in a day, it is a miracle. I don't have family close by and not a lot of options for calling other's to take over my kids. So trying to find time alone with my husband is just as impossible. I have compromised. I take time to myself on Fridays, for a couple of hours. And if I can during the day, I do. When the kids are sleeping and I have either finished or am ignoring my household chores. But time with my husband is something we are still trying to figure out. I have heard that there are couples who try to have date night once a month. That's pretty cool. David and I went out for dinner last week. That was nice.

I teach my kids this: Sharing is caring. That's what having kids has taught me. Sharing is Caring. That and caffeine is my friend...

Sister Wives

2010-10-18T22:46:00.001+03:00

I have been thinking a lot about this whole idea of plural marriage lately. Well, for the last two years, really, since I started watching the show "Big Love". I heard that there is a new reality show in America, featuring a family with multiple wives in it. Called, of course, Sister Wives.

I liked the show Big Love. It was like those women always had someone to back them up and that their Sister wives were their best friends.

We had a guest for shabbos, who was telling us about a family in her neighborhood who are in a plural marriage. She was saying that the women were the ones who recruited the new wives for their husband. There are currently something like 9 wives although at the time, it was just 5 wives. They wanted this woman to be wife number 6. She couldn't understand what the women had to gain from recruiting new wives.

I can tell you exactly.

At this point in time, what I really need more than anything, is a wife. I need someone to help with the cooking and the cleaning, the childcare, the shopping, someone to prepare me a bath when I am tired. Someone to understand when I am tired, or have PMS or on my period. I need a wife.

Many people complain loudly that it is so sexist that it is always the men's right to have more than one wife.

But I know why.

The fact is, that men are a lot of work. Pretty much more work than one woman can handle. We need help. Especially in today's world, where we are expected to work, maintain a house, birth children, breastfeed them and then take on most of the responsibility of their daily lives until they leave the house or we die. I think that we, as women, have bitten off more than we can chew. So since we are expected to do the work of the traditional man, in addition to the work of a traditional woman, we should also be allowed the option of taking a wife. I am telling you, life would be a lot easier if we could share the responsibility.

If I were to choose a wife, I would get one who could cook, clean, hang and fold laundry, take care of my kids. That would free up a lot of my time. In fact, I could, as first wife, make her work in addition to everything else, freeing up my time to pursue any whim that I had at that moment.

It sounds heavenly to me.

But can you imagine the other way around? A woman with more than one husband? If my husband were in the government, there would never be unemployment, because he is a make work project. My house can be perfectly clean, even after a full day of having a daycare in my house, but seconds after he enters the house, it looks like a cyclone hit. And he doesn't even seem to notice that he has left his sock in the hallway or his underwear balled up in the corner of the living room (why he takes them off there, I have no idea). They can stay there for weeks and he won't notice (I know this, as I have tested this theory). Can you imagine having to have two of these? In addition to your children and full time job? It would kill you.

I, as a woman, am happy that there is no culture or religion that I am aware of where a woman can have multiple husbands. We don't need it. It is detrimental to our health.

What we do need, though, is a wife. Or four.

Ballet

2010-10-14T23:57:00.001+03:00

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a ballet dancer. Probably most little girls had the same dream. So, I bugged my mother until she enrolled me in ballet class. Mrs. Lecky's school of dance. It was Saturday mornings, in the basement of an office complex. I must have been about 6 or 7 years old. The problem was, that my mother and stepfather used to like to sleep in on Saturday mornings, so I often missed my class. Ballet just wasn't all I thought it would be - tutu's and buns and beauty.

I was obsessed with princesses when I was a little girl. I loved the Fairy Tales. Cinderella was always my favorite. Something about the overworked and underloved little girl, suddenly turning into the most beautiful girl in the kingdom, being chosen by the handsome Prince, over all other's.

I think I just wanted to feel special and special was not something I felt.

So I quit ballet and moved on to Jazz dancing. It was in the afternoons in the middle of the week, so the only way that I could get there was to go by myself, since my mother and stepfather were working at that hour. I took public transit to get myself to class and then used to stand around with the other girls while they waited for their mother's to come and pick them up. I used to pretend that my mother was coming too. I longed for the kind of mother that spent all of her time devoted to me and my siblings. The kind of mother that served a warm plate of chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk after school. That baked her own bread and did my hair in intricate hairstyles each morning before school. Who dropped me off and picked me up at school.

My mother didn't have that luxury. She worked long hours and was so tired when she came home that all she could do was plant herself in front of the television to watch the news and/or sleep.

I knew from an early age that when I had kids, it was most important to me to be there with them. I wanted them to have what I didn't have. A stay at home mom, the Beaver Cleaver mommy.

I am not a Beaver Cleaver mommy and I am far from the kind of mother I envisioned for myself, but, every once in awhile, I do things that are Beaver Cleaver mommy like.

Today, I took Chaya to her very first Ballet Class. She told me on the way "Ballet is scary. And if I want to cry, then I just cry." I explained to her that she didn't have to stay at the ballet class and that if she didn't like it, we would just go home, but also that I would be there, in the room with her the whole time. Chaya is much younger than I was when I went to my first dance class, but I think I would have liked to have known that my mother was outside waiting for me. She told her sister, father and brother before we left that she was going to ballet to be pretty.

When the class started, she didn't want to go by herself to the group, so I went with her and after about 5 minutes, I sat down on the sidelines and watched my little girl. She has the added disadvantage that she is not perfectly fluent in Hebrew, but she watched the others and did the best that she could. And when the teacher complimented her, she beamed a smile so bright, it could light up the sky in the darkest night. She did wonderfully.

Is my daughter a future ballerina? I don't know and I don't care. I just want her to have this experience. I want her to be exposed to things from a young age that I always wished that I had had the opportunity to be.

The most beautiful part of it, was watching my daughter walk through her fear and come away with a beatific smile and a happiness that is beyond what any toy from Toys R Us could give her.

I was, and still am, 5 hours later, the proudest mother in the universe. I have so far, raised a little girl who is happy, beautiful and smart. A little girl who knows that her mommy is there for her. Who loves her beyond words.

But I still think she has the potential to be the lead dancer in the most famous ballet company in the world, whatever that may be...I guess I better Internet research it. And learn what a port au bras is.

Airports

2010-10-11T17:06:00.000+03:00

I love airports. I get butterflies every time I go to one. It doesn't matter if I am leaving on a trip or just picking someone up. I always have the same nervous "Will I get there in time? Will the flight be on time? Will I see someone famous?" I have never seen anyone famous, at an airport or otherwise. Well, that's not true. Yick, from Degrassi Junior High, used to be the bartender at the bar I frequented in my 20's.

Last week, I went to pick up my friend Jenn at the airport. Ben Gurion airport is an experience. I arrived at the time the plane was due to land and waited an hour and a half for my friend to deplane, get through customs and immigration and collect her luggage.

I was so full of excitement I felt like I was going to pee my pants. Although I think that that had more to do with the fact that I really had to pee but was afraid to use the bathroom in case I missed her exit from the arrivals gate.

There were hundreds of people arriving. In an hour and a half. Hundreds. And Ben Gurion is an incredible place to watch people arrive. You have Orthodox Jews, with their black hats and coats, arriving together with their wives and large families, children clinging to their mother's, babies screaming. You have large tour groups with strange things attached to their clothes, signifying that they belong to the Texas Holyland tours, or some such group. Camera's slung around their necks as they arrive and stare mercilessly at the Black Hat Jews around them. Peering as discreetly as they can at the women with colorful scarves on their heads. Priests and Nuns with their collars and Habits. Muslims. It's a truly international crowd.

I saw a family enter the airport from the arrivals gate, with two small children, when suddenly two women in their late 20's went racing towards them, screaming, clutching bouquets of balloons. The children suddenly grabbed their mother's leg, unsure of what to do with these crazy, screaming women. I watched this and was overcome with laughter and tears.

Thoughts of visiting my family flooded me. I imagined my own girls clinging to me as my sisters and mother ran towards me. But my family doesn't do things like that. We are more reserved.

Husbands and wives deplaning, being met by their spouses.

Watching these reunions, it made me think "I wish my husband was a travelling salesmen or something where he had to travel for work. We would see each other once a month and I would meet him at the airport, where we would rush into each other's arms and be so happy to see one another. If he was never home, we would have a great marriage."

I love airports.

Mahane Yehuda

2010-10-10T11:43:00.000+03:00

Mahane Yehuda is a huge market in Jerusalem. I have lived in Israel for almost 5 years, in February and the first time that I came here was about a month ago. I have really not seen the tourist sites in Jerusalem. Jenn's sister in laws boyfriend (do you follow that?) kept asking if I had seen this or that place in Israel and I kept saying no. It's so sad that there is this beautiful country and I haven't seen much of it. So filled with history and I have bypassed most of it.

Today I had booked someone to take care of my daycare for Jenn's visit, but Jenn has travelled north and left yesterday during shabbat, so it was not possible for me to accompany them. Plus, I didn't want to take too many days off of work - it costs me money!!!

So today, I find myself in Jerusalem, at the shuk (market) sitting having a coffee. David has gone to sort out some things at a governmental office and I considered doing some shopping, but I don't want to carry around bags and stuff, plus, I needed to eat and have a coffee. So I will wait for a bit to see how long it will take him and then at 12 I have to be somewhere.

The shuk is amazing. There are people strolling all over, tourists and Israeli's alike.

Here you can pick up good deals. Fruits and vegetables tend to be much cheaper here and you can pick up bargains on clothes as well. I am wearing a Mahane Yehuda special, in fact, that I picked up last week, when I was here with Jenn.

Nail Polish

2010-10-09T23:43:00.000+03:00

I bet you thought that I was on a roll and then lost interest in the blog and you would have to wait another 3 years for my next entry.

Fooled you!

My friend came to visit from Canada and I got caught up in the whirlwind tour of Israel. She arrived on Sunday afternoon, after having had a two day delay in getting here. We jetted off (well, more like bussed off) to the Dead Sea. I brought my computer, with the intention of blogging while I was there, but time to myself got away from me.

We arrived at the Dead Sea on Tuesday afternoon, after having spent Monday morning playing in the park here in Tekoa with the kids and then doing an afternoon trip to the Mahane Yehuda Market in Jerusalem. I introduced her to the art of hitchhiking out to the settlements, which is our preferred method of transportation, for us "settlers". The bus only comes every two or three hours, so it is faster to hitchhike. We had a bit of a hard time getting a ride back, since we were travelling with her baby. People didn't want to take the chance of travelling with a baby and we finally found someone who had a baby seat, willing to take her and her baby. The driver didn't have room for me, as she was waiting on her brother and his girlfriend, but luckily I found a ride immediately and actually ended up getting to Tekoa first. We had made a plan to meet at the hitchhikers post in Tekoa and I sat down to wait for her. All of a sudden I got nervous, trying to think back to the woman who picked her up, what she looked like, what her Hebrew sounded like, did she have an accent, etc. As I sat waiting for her, I started imagining the worst. I imagined myself calling my husband, saying "I lost Jenn!" It was terrible. But she arrived safe and sound and actually got a ride all the way to my house, whizzing past me at the hitchhikers post.

She got a good taste of public transportation here, though. The bus ride to the Dead Sea took two hours and we went through all of the tourist spots.

On Wednesday morning she decided to hike up Massada with her sister in law and sister in law's boyfriend, along with her baby. I declined this opportunity. The way I figured it was like this: I was on holiday. Hiking up a mountain sounded suspiciously like exercise. And exercise is work. And I was on holiday. If it involved exertion on my part, I wasn't doing it. So I stayed back.

Instead I went to the spa.

Mmmm....

Alone.

I opted for a facial and much needed pedicure.

The facial was nice, but the pedicure was heavenly. It has been 4 years since I have had a professional pedicure. My feet were in terrible condition. 4 years of running around after small children had taken a toll. And I have the bad habit of picking my nails, both on my feet and hands. Somehow, in the last week or so, my nails have started to grow and I have restrained myself from picking them and managed to grow a little white area where there is supposed to be a white area on your nail.

I feel triumphant.

After almost 12 hours of being on holiday without my children, I was starting to feel like "me" again. Like a person independent of being a mother, or even a wife, for that matter. But here is the thing. A mother can go on vacation, but she is always a mother. How do I know this? Because when the Esthetician asked me which color I wanted to paint my nails, I looked at the bottles, sitting in the box so nicely and thought, "Which color would my girls think is the most fun?" I picked a metallic purple.

And you know what? It was the most fun. Normally I would go for a staid red or light pink, but I decided to be adventurous, for the sake of my children!!!

Even on holiday, I was thinking of them....

Of course, it wasn't until the last morning there, that I started to miss them. It was nice to be away from them for a couple of days. To have my breakfast, lunch and dinner made for me, to not have to do laundry or make a bed (not that I make the beds at home, this is a defect of mine that I am working on...). On the last morning there, however, I was watching my friend play with her son and thought, I miss my girls' hugs. I can't wait to see them!

They were asleep when I got home, but Friday morning, when Chaya woke up, she saw me and gave me a HUGE smile and said "You came back!". I am still her favorite.

It was all worth it!

Laryngitis, Post nasal drip, throat infection and pinworms

2010-09-30T23:23:00.000+03:00

The holidays are over.

And what do I have to show for it? A refrigerator that resembles a drug store.

All the kids have been sick over the last week. And all with something different.

Emil had laryngitis. This was by far the most pleasant of all the illnesses. Parents, if you are going to wish for any illness for your child, laryngitis is by far the most pleasant. Because...your child can't talk. Or cry. Or whine or yell or scream or tell you what a horrible parent you are or make those antagonizing sounds that let you know that you, as a parent, are a complete failure at your job.

Laryngitis is simply nature's way of giving you, the parent, a holiday.

I only wish, that next time, all my children will have it at the same time. Oh the quiet I would relish!!!

Sarah was the next one up. I took her to the doctor because her tongue was white and she had been waking up in the middle of the night, coughing as if she couldn't breathe and her breath smelled putrid. As she is prone to thrush, I took her to the doctor, who informed me that she has post nasal drip and is now taking an antihistamine twice a day. Not bad, since the antihistamine makes her sleepy.

Quiet...

Next up, Chaya had a fever and was incredibly grumpy, throwing tantrums every five minutes. I gave her some Tylenol and she woke up the next morning fever free, but complaining that her "bum hurt". So, I did what any mother would do in this situation and armed myself with wipes, thinking that perhaps she just needed a better butt wiping. I made her go into downward dog (our preferred wiping position) and opened it up, at which point I saw a little white thread like thing desperately trying to wiggle it's way back toward her anus. I went to war with this little worm and while it was fast, I do believe that I fought the worm and I won.

I then proceeded to freak out, as I had a friend coming with her two children for a visit. What do I do? Do I warn her that my kid has worms? And the doctor had already been on the yishuv and I didn't know if the nurse would be in and since it was the day before Simchat Torah, I wasn't sure if the doctor would be back and how was I going to get the worm killing medicine. Fortunately, the doctor has a pager, which I used and he directed me to the nurse, who was in the office that evening and I was able to start Chaya on a round of Vormex. It's probably called in English, Wormex. I did inform my friend and although she has only been in Israel 3 years, she was thoroughly blase about the whole thing.

Blase about the whole worm thing. Very typical Israeli attitude, while those of us from North America freak out about things like pin worms and lice, Israeli's just say "Ahh...worms, don't worry about it, they come from the sand. Nothing you can do about it. Get used to it."

I just don't get it. And the blase attitude, quite frankly, pisses me off. Do you know how much extra work it creates for me? Worms and lice both entail a good, thorough cleaning. Of both children and house. It means washing sheets, blankets, pillows, pillow cases, toys, stuffed toys, vacuuming couches. Like I don't have better things to do with my time than clean?

And here's the thing that really pisses me off. There is no policy within the schools that says if your child has a communicable condition, they must be kept home from school, because, get this....IT'S ILLEGAL to make such a policy!!! Seriously. ILLEGAL.

A lot of people in my yishuv don't like to use the pesticide sprays on their kids' hair when they have lice. They prefer the natural tea tree oil and combing it out cure. They don't like to use the medicine for worms, they prefer to go for a "tipul" (treatment) from a naturopath.

I am all for naturopathic treatment, if that is what you choose to do. Go for it. Tea tree yourself out. BUT DON'T SEND YOUR KID TO SCHOOL UNTIL THE CONDITION IS GONE!!!! WHY SHOULD ME AND MY KID HAVE TO SUFFER TOO? I've got news for all of you natural medicine, whole wheat eating, brown sugar toting mom's out there. MISERY DOES NOT LOVE COMPANY!!!! We are not going to start a My kid has lice, who wants to get together and compare natural lice removal methods support group while our kids are at school infecting each other.

All I want is a pest free household. Is that too much to ask?

And by the way, to the mother's in Chaya's school, you owe me 100 shekels.

3 years and two kids later...

2010-09-28T22:39:00.000+03:00

Here it is, 3 years later and I can't believe this blog hasn't been deleted, by the "powers that be" out in blogland. I never closed this blog, because I had the intention of going back and printing out the entries, since they chronicle my pregnancy with Chaya and her first months here on earth. But I never got around to it.

"Not getting around to it" has spawned my new favorite saying, "I'll get there". After Sarah was born, I couldn't understand why I couldn't get to everything. Two young children make life chaotic. The first year of Sarah's life, it was like I was doing a juggling act. Babies wake up, put the smallest one to sleep, just as she wakes up, the other one needs to sleep, she wakes up, the little one goes back to sleep. We barely left the house in her first year. And I was EXHAUSTED!!!

Now that they are 2 and 3, along with Emil, who is 9, my mantra is just that: "I'll get there". Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.

Usually, if I don't, it is because I have forgotten to write it down.

I have never been a big list person. Lists are for organized people. I like organized people. A lot. I find them an interesting species. They make all these lists and actually do the things on the lists and cross them off. Sometimes I make lists of the things I did yesterday, then make a big checkmark next to them and hang them on the fridge. That way I feel like an organized person. And when people come over, they think "Wow! She's really organized. I feel so inadequate next to her."

My husband thinks that I am organized. Because I am, compared to him. Yesterday, he asked me if I had seen his belt. He asked me this the day before as well. "No, I haven't seen your belt honey, just like I didn't see it yesterday either. But if you took it off and put it in your closet,instead of some strange place like next to the tv, you would probably be able to find it today."

Needless to say, he didn't like that answer.

So, compared to him, I am organized. I put my dirty clothes in a pile on the floor in our room and then when it bothers me enough, I "get there" and bring it downstairs to the dirty clothes hamper next to the washing machine.

That reminds me.

Things to do:

Bring clothes to the hamper on my next trip downstairs.

Welcome back to my blog!

Amanda

Addiction and Ignorance.

2007-11-07T09:17:00.000+02:00

I like to read Canada.com to keep up with what is going on in my hometown of Vancouver. Today there is a report of yet another gangland shooting. I read the comments section. The consensus is overwhelming. Change the immigration policy and bring back the death penalty. Like that is going to stop drug trafficking. Has it worked in the states? I think not. The people in prisons there are animals. I know this first hand from hearing my husband's stories about his time in state institutions. People still think that addiction is the result of immorality. Why don't we look at it for what it is? A disease. Not a choice. Prohibition isn't working. It didn't work in the US either. Do we want to fix the problem? Fix the source. And the source is not the drug suppliers. The source is the family. We live in a world where instant gratification is abundant. Hungry now? Go to McDonald's. In five minutes, you can eat your burger and fries. Plus, then mommy and daddy have spent quality time together as the children gobble down their food and run off to play in Mcplayland. What happened to family dinners? This is a holiday ritual now. How many hours a week do parents actually spend with their kids? Come home from work, pick the children up at daycare, where they have spent the last 10 hours, home by 5, plunk children in front of TV or playstation, or drive them to extra language lessons, karate, soccer, ballet, genius classes, home again by 6:30, fast dinner, then tv or playstation till 7:30 8, then bed. So how much time are parent's actually spending with their parents? How many people are actually involved in their children's lives? Be the best, be the best, this is their refrain. Get the best marks, be the best athlete, ballerina, genius. Pressure pressure pressure. Grow up, go to university, get a degree in something practical, make a lot of money, so you too can live in a 900 000 dollar one bedroom condo in Vancouver. Or....grow up, mediocre, never have the ability to go to university, either because you don't have the grades or you can't afford it because your parent(s) were "welfare bums" who spent most of their time worrying about how they were going to feed you (This is not so different from people who make good money, but their expenses end up being greater as they have more)and as a result aren't there for you emotionally, so you grow up thinking, I will never be like my parents, I want a different life for my children, but what can I do? I have no education and working at Wal Mart isn't going to let me feed my children or buy overpriced property so why should I bother? Yes, drug dealing is dangerous, but it pays well if I am good at it. And, I can make 100 000 dollars in a day! What would you choose?
8 bucks an hour to work at Wal Mart, or 100 000 dollars working one day a week?
Money money money. Money is the higher power. Let's get back to the family. Better social programs, equal opportunity education, help for single parents, stop cutting these programs. Model it after the scandinavian countries who always rank in the top for standard of living. Why continue to strive to be America? It is not the land of opportunity. Not anymore.

On to other things. Chaya is back asleep. I had a brief break in this blog as she woke up and the poor little thing is miserable. She is getting a tooth and her little nose is all stuffy and she is whiny whiny whiny. Poor thing. But I can't believe how much she has grown! In the last three weeks she has started to pull herself up to standing holding onto something, started crawling, sitting by herself and now she has a tooth! It goes so darn fast! I am glad that I can be here to watch it though, daily.
She really is amazing and it is so strange to think that this thing came out of my body. I can't believe that in 5 months, I will be experiencing all of this all over again with my new baby girl.
David was so funny at the ultrasound. When the doctor said that we were having another girl, I looked at David and said "What's the matter with you? You can't make boys?" But secretly I was hoping for a girl. All right, not so secretly, I told everyone I wanted a girl. When we got outside, David said "So now we have to try for a boy!" I was like "This one isn't even out yet, are you insane?" It is especially funny, as this is the same man who told me when we first met "We Malul's only bring boys!" Hmmm. Guess not this Malul! One son so far...two girls...Finally the women will outnumber the boys. I know the reason too. I have a theory that you get the sex that you have the most trouble with, as a way of working through your issues. David has issues with women...therefore girls. Maybe I also have issues still with women. Hence the girls.

I had other ideas for blogging, but I can't remember them now, so when I do, I will try to get them down. I am neglecting house duties in order to write this, but it felt good to get it down yesterday.

I must do what I can now in order to get the house in shape before Emil comes home now. It is windy and chilly here today, after two days of scorching hot weather. A break.

Running Errands the Israeli way!

2007-11-06T08:40:00.000+02:00

It is 8:40 am and there is quiet in the house. Chaya is asleep, Emil is at school and David is at work. For days I have been wanting to blog, but haven't found the quiet, solitude or energy to do so. Either I am preoccupied with household tasks or tired out from doing household tasks. It is a much different life than I had pre children and pre marriage.
I have to admit, sometimes I long for a week away at a hotel, alone with myself, my thoughts and my feelings. David said awhile ago, that if he got a bunch of money he would make sure that I would take some to do whatever I wanted with it, buy new clothes, go for a mani and pedi, etc. I laughed and said, What I would really like is a week away in Eilat, alone to sleep for a week. It wasn't so long ago that I was complaining about how bored I was, with nothing to do and no one to talk to. This proves that we don't know what we've got till it's gone!

Life here continues to be difficult for us. It seems that it is always one thing or another. What is life like here in Israel? I will try to paint you a picture of what my day was like on Sunday.

When I came to Israel, I was in such a hurry to start at an ulpan to learn Hebrew, so that I could learn the language and also get out and meet people. But I couldn't do that until I was a citizen of Israel. At the Interior Ministry, where they deal with immigration, they expedited my request and in so doing, they gave me my status before I actually was a citizen of Israel. So on my Israeli ID, it didn't state my citizenship. Off I went to ulpan, and taking advantage of the opportunities afforded to a new immigrant here, under the Law of Return. I had no idea that they hadn't put Israeli on my ID. I had full rights, received the new immigrant stipend and was able to register for a health fund. I did all my prenatal care paid for by my health fund and there was no problem. However, in Israel, when you go to the hospital, it is Biteuach Leumi who takes care of hospital bills. Biteuach Leumi is basically National Insurance, which covers welfare, children's allowance, hospital stays etc etc. So when I went to the hospital, they saw no citizenship on my ID card and thought that I was a private case and a month after giving birth to Chaya, we were sent a bill for approximately 2000 dollars. We were shocked but went to Biteuach Leumi who said that they would fix it. At least I am pretty sure that is what happened, as David dealt with it and sometimes his memory is not so reliable. About two weeks ago I received a collections letter from the hospital for this money. Needless to say, I was shocked and also furious, as this meant a trip to the National Insurance office, which is never a simple straightforward thing. On Sunday, off I went, with Chaya in tow, the stroller packed to the brim with diapers and bottle and toys and papers that I needed. I got to the office, bright and early, as I find when dealing with the government agencies, it is usually better to go first thing in the morning, as it is less crowded then. I arrived there and first thing you must do is go to a counter to get a number and be told what booth to wait in front of. I gave them the papers and said in my broken Hebrew "I need this" They looked at me like I was an alien and didn't know what to do. Do I speak Russian? No. English. English, oh no, that's a problem. A problem? To speak English in a government agency? How surprising! Finally she gave me a number and I went to the line up. I was optimistic, as the line wasn't that long and I thought, hey, maybe it won't be as complicated as I think! WRONG! Why haven't I learned yet, that in Israel, nothing is NOT complicated. The girl working didn't seem to understand what I wanted, even though I gave her the papers and in a mix of Hebrew and English, explained to her the situation. She phoned her superior who said that I needed to get another paper from the hospital that said How long I had stayed there. I am like, "Who cares, how long I was there, pay the bill!" In the meantime, I phoned David to tell him that they wanted another paper and he was all like "OK, so that is what we do!" And I responded with "OH NO WE WILL NOT! I AM NOT LEAVING HERE TILL THEY FIX IT!" David said "OK Even better!" She directed me towards another lady who also was confused as to how to help me and couldn't figure it out, then asked if I spoke French, which normally I do, but by this time, I was furious, my patience having been quickly eroded and I couldn't get out what I needed in French, so in a mixture of French, Hebrew and English, I yelled "All you need to do is pay the bill! It is your responsibility to pay for it, so pay it! Why should I have to worry about 2000 dollars? Just pay the damn bill!" Finally, I was directed towards the manager, where I had to wait in line for half an hour to see him and then he told me not to worry, that he would take care of it and that I could just go home. This was an hour and a half later. Which in the long run, is not too bad, considering, I could have been there all morning!
I guess the thing that gets me about going to any of these agencies, the post office, the bank, any ministry, is simply because no one seems to ever have any idea what they are doing. No one ever leaves with a smile. I swear, I didn't see one person at the National Insurance leave happy. Everyone is yelling and screaming. On the one hand, I feel sorry for the employees of these places, as it is a super hard job, here, dealing with the Israeli public, but on the other hand, everytime you go to them with something it is like the automatic response is "No." They really need to watch Bob The Builder. "Can we fix it? YES WE CAN!" Someone should create a workshop for them. Or the little engine that could "I think I can I think I can I think I can." Seriously, no one seems to be properly trained and no one can speak enough English either. At least here in Ashdod. This has been a major thorn in my side since I have lived here, there are russians, in fact they have a russian translator at the office, and several people who speak fluent french, but English? Nope. And it doesn't make sense, they learn it in School, it is all over tv, they listen to american music...I am just glad I am not a manadarin speaker living in Israel. Baruch Hashem for that.

So after that experience, I decided to brave another office, my health fund's office, as I needed to be reimbursed for two tests that I took for this pregnancy. This was another source of fear for me, as every time I have braved it on my own there, it has been a disaster. But since I was on an errand roll, I decided to do it. Off I went, hoping and praying that the mean Russian woman who I had encountered my first times there and always seemed to end up getting after waiting my turn in line and who nearly gave me a nervous breakdown on many occasion, wouldn't be there. In fact, one time, she basically threw my documents at me and refused to speak to me anymore and I left bawling my eyes out and ended up calling David and screaming at him for not coming with me. This was when I first arrived here. He did end up coming with me and ended up yelling at her for being so mean to me. Well, I arrived at Maccabi Health Fund, prepared for the wait and played with Chaya, who had been so patient and well behaved. I felt the anxiety mount, but I noticed with relief that Miss meany mcrussian wasn't there, so that relieved some apprehension. But then, there is the language barrier. Fortunately the lady who helped me spoke the same amount of English as I do Hebrew so we were able to figure out what I needed and it WAS actually straightforward and finished in two minutes and she was very kind and helpful. I left feeling a little more calm than I had when I walked in!

Then it was off to do some grocery shopping, as I have also figured out that if I go grocery shopping on Sunday, it is very slow and you never have to wait in line very long. So that is when I like to go.

Chaya was just so patient, having a meltdown 200 meters from our house, and I was pretty impressed with her sweetness.

And then I felt like I had accomplished so much and fell exhausted onto the couch to watch Dr. Phil and await Emil's 2:00 arrival from school!

This is a glimpse of life in Israel. I have more to write, but I hear my little princess stirring in her crib. I will try to blog again soon.

Thoughts from a pregnant brain

2007-09-18T14:40:00.000+03:00

I swear, I don't think I will ever sleep again. Apparently what I am having as far as two pregnancies close together has a word, it is called Irish Twins. This baby is due 4 days after Chaya's first birthday, but it could come early or later, but they will still be considered Irish twins. Funny. I learned this on the Babycentre Pregnancy Boards, one of my new addictions.
Today I have a sinus headache. Started to get it last night so when David comes home tonight, I will take a hot bath and put a warm cloth on my nose for the pain. It just intensifies the exhaustion. Yesterday I was so tired that I could barely even lift Chaya up. It is so hard and last night I was almost in tears feeling sorry for myself. I just want to sleep. That is all I want to do. And you know, when Chaya is sleeping, I try to sleep but can't. It sucks. Yesterday I tried shutting the blinds in the bedroom but it didn't work. And last night, little Miss JAP went to sleep at 8 pm and woke up at quarter to 10 ready to play. I put her in her crib and she started screaming, so David went and picked her up and she looked over at me with this huge grin like she was saying "See, if you won't do it, Daddy will!" She really does have David wrapped around her finger. So we put her on the floor because she is starting to really work hard on her tummy. She is pushing her little butt up and balancing on her knees and hands, like she is getting ready to take off. Last night, she actually moved her legs forward before she fell flat on her face. I am amazed at how fast she is developing. And she can sit by herself now for a little while. She is such a strong baby. And everday, I fall more and more in love with her. She really is such a happy baby and friendly.

So it seems as if Israel is gearing up for war. First they said war with Syria in the summer, and that didn't happen and now it is war sometime in the next few weeks. I think after the invasion by Israel to Syria, it is getting more and more serious. Condoleeza Rice is here today to allegedly discuss a middle east peace conference, but I doubt it. I think Bush wants to invade Syria and Iran before he leaves office and he needs Israel to do it for him. Yom Kippur is coming up, and I think people are nervous about it because of the Yom Kippur war in 67. Israel comes to a standstill on Yom Kippur, kind of like North America on Christmas Day. No one drives, no one does anything. It is amazing that Yom Kippur is the biggest holiday. It is the day of atonement and you are to fast on that day. Even non religious people observe that day. There is nothing on TV, all the stations stop broadcasting. It is amazing. So if there is a war, everyone is at home, except, of course, the army. Not like last time...

I had an intention to blog about feminism, but my head hurts and I want to go and lie down for a few minutes before Emil comes home from school. I will finish later, hopefully.

Living In Israel

2007-09-02T16:56:00.000+03:00

Sometimes people ask me what it is like to live in Israel. I know they mean because of the political situation, and I think that is self explanatory. It is not easy to live here amidst constant threat of war, violence etc. But there are so many things that disappoint me about this country. Perhaps it is because I am a spoiled North American, or perhaps there is something seriously wrong with this country.
Today was Emil's first day at school. The school has a bus that we are paying to pick him up. On Friday, David went to school with Emil and paid for the bus and was told that the driver would call him either before shabbat or after shabbat to let him know what time we should be downstairs for pick up. We didn't hear from him until close to 10 o'clock. He said 7:30. I, being the Canadian that I am was downstairs at 20 after 7 with Emil, baby and dog. We waited and waited...and waited...and waited. No bus. At 10 to 8 we went upstairs to check the phone to see if perhaps they had phoned. Nope. So I started to walk Emil to school and was a quarter of the way there when I saw a bus stop and I asked where they were going and lo and behold he was going to Emil's school. I put Emil in there and walked back home. Disorganization, I sighed. An Israeli phenomenon. Everywhere you go here, it is disorganized. All government agencies. All banks, everywhere that is supposed to be organized. I thought beaurocracy was bad in Denmark and sometimes at home in Canada, but it is nothing compared to Israel. If you ask someone for something, almost inevitably the first answer you will get is "NO". Then you have to bring more papers and more papers and more papers. It almost never ends. I have a hard time getting used to this. It is frustrating and that is an understatement. We are having a hard time financially and David applied for welfare 9 months ago. We haven't received a cent. Last week, they said that some money would be in our account in a day or two. That was Wednesday, still not there. And they have to pay you a lump sum for the back pay. It doesn't make sense. And everytime we think we are close to getting the money, they tell us, oh, sorry we need another paper, proof of this, proof of that. A third of this country's children live in poverty. Can you understand why now?
So last night, David was very nervous about Emil's first day of school. On Friday, Emil had been playing and some of the older kids told him he was ugly black. (Let me clarify for those of you who aren't aware, Emil is biracial) Apparently Emil said back to them that they are ugly white. Good for him. Today, however, he came home and told me the same kids once again called him a nigger. A nigger. And the strange thing is, here in Ashdod, there are many Ethiopian Jews. And Jews from India who are East Indian, complete with saris. Judaism isn't a caucasian stream, there are people of many backgrounds, heights, colors, etc, but within their own country, they are so racist towards one another. Once David and I were talking about this and he quoted someone who said this, I think, that the reason the Muslims are able to continue their terrorist activities and are hard to stop is because they are united in their religion. Jews are not. We fight each other every step of the way. We are a nation divided. A people divided. Everywhere you go. In North America and much of the western nations, it is the Reform vs conservative vs orthodox. Within orthodoxy there are divides amongst the various hassidic groups. We were in Jerusalem two weeks ago and Emil came to me and said, very upset "I don't think I am Jewish" and I said "Why?" And he told me that a kid outside had told him that he was a goy (Jewish for non Jew). We were in a very Hassidic part of town and I don't know if it was because Emil did something that broke shabbat or if it is because we don't dress him like a Hasid, or if it is because he is black and the Ethiopians who came had to convert. And many Hassidic sects believe that anyone who isn't like them is not Jewish and some of them don't believe in conversion. I don't know, but my point in this is that it illustrates the divide amongst the people. Maybe Jews could get a lesson from the Ba'hais with their mantra of one g-d, one people.
It makes me angry. This makes me angry. It is so unfair. We would have problems everywhere with Emil due to his color, I have been watching Oprah. It is not easy to be black. And then to add on top of that Jewish. Black and Jewish. I worry for him. I really do. It breaks my heart. It really does.
The good thing about North America and at least what I noticed in Canada, is that people are more educated about what they say. They know that outright racism won't be tolerated and is against the law. So I believe that there are fewer incidents of racism in North America. Emil questioned his color when we were in Canada, but was much more accepting of himself and his friends and people he came into contact with were not outright bigots. It makes me sick.
These kids today not only called him a nigger, but also stupid. What could I say? I asked him "Do you think you are stupid? Do you think you are ugly because you are black?" He said no. Finally. There was a time when he would have said yes. Then I explained to him that kids are mean. They are all mean and that he is going to have to deal with this all his life. I told him that when I was little kids used to make fun of me because they said that I had a big nose. In fact, it wasn't kids but my family who would make fun of me. My mother and sisters and brother. I grew up hating my nose. Then when I was 10 I developed breasts early and I was ashamed of that. That was a peer thing. I always hated my big nose and ample bosom. And look how many people pay to have their breast enlarged and G-d gave a natural set of honkin bonkers. And I hated them. The two things that I wanted were a nose job and breast reduction. Now, I have accepted my nose and don't give it much thought, but my chest has always been a source of embarrassment for me. I just want to be able to teach Emil that his differences should be celebrated and not a place of shame. It is hard. Really hard.
So, that is a little bit about living in Israel. The day to day things that annoy me about this country. The little things that can drive me to want to throw things and have tantrums. Sad.
Oh Canada, home and native land....

2007-08-29T10:05:00.001+03:00

Sometimes I read other people's blogs and I just think, wow! They are almost poetic in their writing. Then I think I wish I could be that way in mine...Sigh.
Where to begin? I was contemplating changing the name of this blog, to something like life with children, because the pregnant thing wasn't fitting anymore. But guess what? I appear to be very much pregnant with number 2! So now I don't have to change the name!
I was noticing that Chaya seemed to be rejecting the breast and that I was dreaming a lot of very vivid dreams, which sometimes happens to me right before a period. Then I was going to the bathroom a lot, but I thought that was because I was drinking a lot of water and frankly, I have never had a very strong bladder! But then I didn't menstruate when I was supposed to. Which I thought, well it might just be due to breastfeeding. Well, lo and behold, I am with bun in the oven, one more time.
I have to say I wasn't very pleased. Chaya is only 5 months old, and if my calculations are right, this means that new baby should arrive right around Chaya's first birthday. I was disappointed because I wanted more time with Chaya, just me and her, without having more distractions than there already are. Plus, I wanted to breastfeed longer, and I no that one can breastfeed and be pregnant at the same time, however, Chaya hasn't wanted to unless she needs to sleep. I was finally starting to enjoy breastfeeding too. Plus, things have been very difficult financially for us, so there are so many things that make it hard to accept. But it is a reality and what is done is done. Fortunately so far, the biggest problem has been terrible moodswings. I am not super nauseous and in fact have only thrown up twice, this morning being one of those times. Otherwise, it is normal. But then I felt guilty for feeling disappointed. I know that there are so many other women out there who are having trouble conceiving or can't have children at all and I should be grateful, but really, I think, why am I deserving and these women not? I don't know, major mixed feelings about this.
Emil starts school on Friday. He is excited about this. I am excited about this. I feel guilty as I haven't had the energy to spend with him this summer. And he has been pretty bored and lonely. So it will be nice for him to be back in the social setting of school. He likes school, I can only hope that that will last him his whole school career. We so want our children to succeed where we didn't. I want my kids to go to university, to study and do well in school. I would like to go back to university. I don't know what I would like to study but I would like to learn again. And to finish a degree now, that would be a great role model for the kids. Maybe when we go back to Canada, I can do one class a semester and by the time I am fifty I could have a BA. You know, it wouldn't really matter how much time it took, it would just be nice to do it, I think. To accomplish it. My Dad was 42 when he got his PHD. Not bad.
But I also want my kids to be happy, doing whatever they are doing. I have hopes and dreams for them, but the most important thing is if they are happy doing what they are doing, be it a doctor or a cashier at McDonald's, then so be it! Yes, this is easy to say when they are 6 and 5 months, we will see how I will feel in 20 years about their choices!
Hey. Friend from Norway, I would love to answer some of your questions regarding living in Israel and Israeli politics, but I want to keep this blog as much as I can about the kids and pregnancy. If you want to send me a comment with your email address I would be happy to be an email penpal for you. All of the comments that I receive must be approved by me before being published on this page, so I just wouldn't publish your comment with your email address.
OK, good night everyone.

Kid Update

2007-08-12T00:01:00.000+03:00

Well, I think I am over the shock of my actions. It's been a crazy couple of weeks, months, years, whatever.
As if things couldn't go more wrong, Emil had somehow contracted lice, I have no idea where or how, as he isn't in school or camp and the only place I can think that it might have happened was at his cousins in Haifa, but they didn't seem to be itching their heads when they came here to visit. So I don't really know how it happened but it did, so David shaved his head and I bought lice shampoo as I had a sneaking suspicion that perhaps I had it too. So I spent the last Friday before shabbat shampooing and combing through my hair. I have now done three treatments as I keep feeling itchy. I will do another one tomorrow and that should be it. I think it is gone now, unless I think about it...I haven't had lice since I was six.
Then I was terrified that the baby has it but I can't tell the difference between the flakes from her cradle cap and lice eggs. I keep looking for lice but haven't found any yet. Baruch Hashem.
Chaya is getting super funny now. She has figured out that she has a voice and isn't afraid to use it so she has now taken to yelling and screaming. It is pretty entertaining. And she can laugh pretty well now. It cracks me up. She also seems to have forgotten how to turn from her tummy to her back but now she turns from her back to her tummy and then gets stuck. Then she gets really mad and starts to scream. She sure has a temper. And she has found her toes and gets upset when she can't stick them into her mouth. I think with all her frustration she is going to push herself to do things and be quick. I think she is pretty funny. She adores Emil. She watches him wherever he goes and just waits for him to make her smile. Sometimes she smiles when she sees him in anticipation of what he is going to do to make her laugh. It is adorable. Seriously.
Emil has made a leap from baby to taking the big boy thing really seriously. I think perhaps his two weeks with his cousins made him feel really special because he could be on vacation by himself. Now he goes to the park in front of our house by himself and takes the elevator and knows the way. He is really proud of this accomplishment and although I am still a little uncomfortable with it, I let him continue because I see how good it has been for his self esteem and confidence. He feels really responsible and grown up because of this. I am proud of him. Now he wants to do EVERYTHING by himself, get his own cheerios and drinks. The other day I was trying to nap with Chaya and I heard him rooting around amongst the dishes in the kitchen and I came out and he was about to pour himself shabbat wine, which is only grape juice, but we keep it especially for shabbat. I stopped him in time. But it was cute nonetheless. He really has grown up and will be starting grade one in September. He turns six in three weeks and I am still trying to figure out how to have a party for him on a small budget.
So that is the news of the kids.

I think I'm turning Israeli, I think I'm turning Israeli, I really think so...

2007-08-01T11:03:00.000+03:00

Well, I just experienced my first case of the protective mother instinct. What do they call it? The lion instinct? I can't remember. It's either that or I have really become Israeli.
I took the kids and the dog to the playground today and we were the only ones there for a little while. The dog was sitting nicely beside me lounging and sleeping. This is what she normally does. She is an old dog, almost near her end. Anyway, these older russian ladies come, I will call them the Russian nanny mafia. This lady tells me to move with the dog. It's a huge park, with a lot of space, so why they need to sit exactly where I am sitting, I have no idea. I told her no I wasn't moving. That she could move. And she plopped herself down and refused to move and continued yelling at me. I'm like what? So I yelled a few choice words at her in English and then she told me she was going to call the police. Seriously, because I wouldn't move with the dog. I laughed, because in a country where there is a constant threat of terrorist acts, the police will only come if you are dying. I know, we called them once when some kids came to our door and wouldn't leave (that's a story for a different time and doesn't involve me directly). So, I laughed and told her to go ahead, call them over a dog. So all was quiet for a little while, when the dog decided to move her position and came and plopped herself down at this woman's feet, which I have to say, I thought it was a little funny. Now, I had the baby on my lap and the woman starts to yell at me again, half in russian half in Hebrew. I told her that I had been here first and she could move, and then she grabbed my arm, to which I ashamedly admit, I slapped her in the face. Then she grabbed my arm and scratched me with her long fake russian nails. I couldn't believe it. Then SHE threatened to call the police on me. I told her to go ahead. Anyway, she won finally because I was so furious that I was afraid that I would hurt her more and then I really would have been in trouble. So I called Emil and we left. But as I was leaving I said very nicely in English that I hope she dies a horrible death of cancer. In Danish, how they swear is by saying something like, "May cancer eat your mother". Good that it came in handy today.
Okay, I know this is insanity but it's the PRINCIPLE of the thing. I am tired of people in Israel pushing me around. Seriously, the only way to survive here is to be tough and sometimes aggressive in physical ways. Besides, if someone tries to hurt me with my child in my arms, you can bet that I am going to react unreasonably.
Oh sigh. Just another day in Israel.
This was my first fight in my life. I have never in my life hit another human being. Well, not those that weren't my brothers and sisters. I called David and he told me well done. I think I made him feel better about himself and then he told me to call my sponsor. The funny thing is, that this happened just as I was reading step 3 and 4 in the big book. How Ironic!

Day from Hell

2007-07-02T09:09:00.000+03:00

Oh my god! What a day from hell! This is the beginning of Emil's summer holiday, so it was my first day with the two kids alone. David has finally found some work and was off to work today. So we go to the park in the morning until about 11 where we met an American woman who is here on vacation with her three kids. This was nice, to be able to chat a little with someone in English. She isn't really my cup of tea, but whatever...Then we come home and the baby wants to nurse pretty much every hour, which I am finding really frustrating and don't know why this is happening. She is three months old for pete's sake! But the day goes pretty smoothly and then she falls asleep finally for a long nap and I get the dishes done and the floor swept. I debate cleaning the floor but I don't know how long the baby is going to sleep and I want to do something just me and Emil. So he and I bake a cake, a banana cake and we have a good time doing that and then I have a brilliant idea that I will make homemade pizza for dinner. So I throw some oil, flour water and yeast together and think, okay, now I have to go to the store to buy some mushrooms and some tomato sauce. So Emil lollywags getting his shoes on (at about age 4 and 5 it takes them 3 hours to do ANYTHING!) and we finally get out the door. We get downstairs and Chaya decides that is the moment she needs to wake up. It is 5 o'clock. So back upstairs we go and feed her and back outside we go. 5:30. She cries the whole way to the market and back again. As usual. She seems to pretty much hate leaving the house. She may be agoraphobic. We get back inside and I am so so frustrated. I sit down to nurse her AGAIN! I am doing that when all of a sudden I look down at the floor and there is like an inch of water everywhere all of a sudden. I throw Chaya (Literally) into her crib and run to the kitchen. The tube that connects the hot water from the tap in the wall to the tap on the sink has burst and hot water is flying everywhere. I turn off the tap and now I have to set about cleaning all this water. 6:15 pm. I am trying to do it as quickly as I can. In the meantime, I put too much oil in the pizza dough, so it is a bust. Emil hasn't really eaten since 11:30 am. But he is happily watching tv. Then Chaya starts to cry again and now I am about ready to have a nervous breakdown. I call David, three times, no answer. I don't know why he has a cell phone. I want to kill him. So I go into "that is it, I am moving back to Canada or we have to move to either Haifa or Jerusalem. " I go to my neighbor to ask her to come and just hold the baby while I clean up and she isn't there, but her daughter comes and holds her. Chaya falls asleep in her arms and I finish cleaning the water. I take her from the neighbor and she leaves and I try to put her into her stroller but she wakes up and starts screaming again. 6:50pm. I resolve that Emil is not going to bed at 8 like usual but what the hell it is the holidays anyway. I whip together some pasta all the while the baby is screaming her head off like I am pulling out her nails one by one. I get Emil a dish of pasta and back to feeding the baby. Now she falls asleep again and lets me actually put her down and I grab some food for myself. Calculate that the last time I ate was also 11:30. No wonder I am about to have a nervous breakdown. Oh yeah, tell Emil to turn off TV for dinner and have to repeat myself 3 times culminating in me yelling "TURN OFF THE TV!" Not my finest moment. 7:30 pm. Go to run Emil a bath but there is no hot water as it all flowed onto the floor. Skip bath, tell Emil to get his pajamas on and now baby is awake again happy as a clam. We read him a story kiss him goodnight and I lay on my bed drained. But baby is still awake. Entertain her for a bit, then she starts to get fussy again and feed her and finally she seems to hopefully be out for the night. Now there is laundry to hang and an icing to make for the cake and dishes to do. All done. On the upside, my floor is clean! I guess G-d wanted me to have clean floors for some reason!

Life with baby, day 74.

2007-06-21T12:46:00.000+03:00

Chaya is asleep. I am tired. As per usual. She sleeps well at night though. Anywhere from 6 to 7 hours at a time, then a brief session of feeding and back to sleep for another 2 and a half hours. This morning we woke up at 7:30. Well, actually, she started making noises at 7, but I stick the pacifier in her mouth a few times, like she is an alarm clock and I am pressing the snooze button. She had pooped, hence her fussiness. Plus, then she wants to feed as she is starving. My little monkey. She still has a temper, when I don't satify her demand quickly enough, her crying turns into hysterics. Sometimes it is funny to watch this tiny little thing exert her power. She is growing so fast. It is unbelievable how fast they grow at this age. I am amazed by her everyday and everyday I feel closer and closer to her. I didn't have love at first sight. I was interested in her, but I think the shock of having her and the shock that this little thing came out of me was too unbelievable. It took me awhile to really feel bonded. It came more when she started smiling. Now she waits for me and when I smile she smiles. She waits to see what I am going to do to entertain her. She really thinks I am funnier than Jerry Seinfeld. It is so gratifying. I wonder if Jerry Seinfeld was offended when his kids thought their mommy was the funniest thing on earth. I would be, as a comic, offended if she thought David was funnier than me. That will never happen...Haha.
Am finding it hard to lose the baby weight. I gained weight in places I never thought I possibly could. The tops of my arms are fat. My hips have grown. I still can't fit into my prepregnancy clothes. It is rather alarming. I need to look up weight watchers on the net for Israel. I am a lifetime member but as I haven't been in ages, I don't know if it gets cancelled. I don't think I even have the card anymore that identifies me as a lifetime member...
Anyway, just a quick update on life with baby.

Happy Chaya

2007-06-11T12:29:00.000+03:00

Chaya is asleep and I am at the computer, looking at the new Kollel website, watching one minute shorts and feeling nostalgic. I really miss the Kollel. I really miss the community in Vancouver. My community in Vancouver, which is made up of so many different people and places. I had another one of those moments yesterday where I came home feeling dejected, as happens so many times for me here in Israel. We took Chaya for an immunization at the public health clinic and the nurse happened to be from Canada. This was really nice for me, to be able to speak to someone who could understand me, not just in words, but culturally as well. I asked her about things for children, babies, things to do here in Ashdod, hoping that there might be something. Nothing. Nothing for babies. Except a baby massage course which she will enroll me...FULL. Of course. This is how it always is here. I get my hopes up that perhaps there might be a solution and then BAM. Hopes dashed. It is so very frustrating.
Really frustrating.
Chaya was fine when we came home from the clinic. She went to sleep, but when she woke up she was crying hysterically. In pain. Her little leg was a little swollen and red and hot hot hot. I put her in the bath, put a cold water cloth on it, bounced her, tried to feed her, she didn't want to eat. We gave her some tylenol and eventually she calmed down and slept and was happy for the rest of the day. She did, however continue to be hot, so I repeated the bath and gave her more tylenol later on in the day. She was in a really good mood yesterday, smiley and happy, she even laughed out loud once. She is getting more fun. Today, she is a little fussier, doesn't really want to stay asleep. This is more normal behaviour for her...
I love her so much.
It is amazing how you can love someone this much. It is a hugely different love than what you feel for a husband, boyfriend, mother sister brother father. She is amazing and delightful. She loves me. She sees me and her face lights up and she gives me the little gummy grin. No matter how upset or depressed I may feel at that moment, to see that, I can't help but smile myself.
Amazing.

Talking...

2007-06-02T21:31:00.000+03:00

Chaya has started talking. OK, it is not talking with words, then she would be some sort of freak of nature. But she is making sounds and she looks at you and makes them. Then she will wait for you to answer her back. It is amazing. She is amazing. She is having more and more periods of wakefulness where she is content to play on her own and then when she is bored she cries so that we will pick her up and entertain her. She loves to see me and David and Emil. And she loves David's sister in law Orly. It is so cute. We went to Orly's today, walked over there, it really isn't so far, except that they live on the ninth floor and since it is shabbat, we had to take the stairs. NINE flights, with a baby in the front pack. But it was good exercise and Orly, dependable as ever had some good chocolate cake for me to replenish any calories I may have lost!
Chaya is changing daily, I can't believe how much she has grown in such a short period of time. I told David the other day, during one of her crying fits that she is probably going to be a child who has temper tantrums, as it seems she already is. But she is lots of fun and it certainly cancels out all the screaming that she does! Today, thank g-d was one of her good days. May there be many more of them in a row!

OY VEY!

2007-05-29T10:04:00.001+03:00

Today Chaya had her first round of immunizations, for Hep B. Oh my G-d! It was traumatic. There is nothing worse than knowing that your child is going to be in pain. I almost started crying. She screamed when they stuck her with the needle. It was terrible. I wanted David to hold her so I could leave the room, but the nurse MADE me hold her because she said it would relax her to smell my scent. This lady obviously doesn't know Chaya. Chaya was already mad because we woke her up from her nap, so she wasn't having any of this calming down business before she got the shot. Chaya is very stubborn. I hope this is a good trait, someday.
She was up at 3 this morning for her feeding but last night she did not want to go back to sleep, so I was up till 4 with her. I am exhausted this morning as our appointment for her shot was at 7:30. I feel like a zombie. Chaya is sleeping now, so in a minute I will join her. She has gained 1.3 kilos. She now weighs 8.5 pounds. She has gained almost 3 pounds in 7 weeks. That's my little piggy pig! I just hope that when she is older she has a better metabolism than the people in either of our families. The poor kid has obesity on both sides. Hopefully she won't inherit our struggle with weight. But she is getting really cute and fun and chubby and that makes me happy. She loves to get her diaper changed and she loves it when we call her our little poopy girl. Her hair is still thick as ever and I am dressing her more in pink clothing as I am tired of people calling her a boy. I do not think she looks like a boy, but I have also made that mistake with other people's children. Now I know how offensive it is so I will try to never make that mistake again.
My banana cream pie turned out to be more like banana cream mush and the quiche was OK, except I didn't wash the spinach well enough so it was quite a crunchy quiche. I neglected to tell David that there was dirt in it, so today I am going to throw it away and tell him that it fell on the floor. He doesn't like it when I throw away food and will keep leftovers in the fridge for weeks. Even months until I stealthily throw it away. It is leftover baggage from his childhood I think. I don't like the fridge to be overflowing with crap like leftovers...I hate clutter. I could write the book simplify your life. Someone once gave that book to me, but I don't think I need it anymore as far as crap in the house goes. I am only too happy to throw shit away. Most of the time anyway. Here it is hard because David is a pack rat and he is teaching Emil to be the same way. I keep telling David that we need to go through Emil's toys and give away the stuff he doesn't play with and David keeps saying "NO! HE PLAYS WITH EVERYTHING!" This is false. Emil rarely even plays with his toys if he can con us into letting him watch TV. And Emil picks up things from outside, like flyers and rocks and beer bottle tops and David wants to let him keep all this crap. So one day when I am through being addicted to facebook and Chaya is asleep and I am rested I will go through and get rid of it on my own without either of them realizing it. That is what it is to be a Mom! Hahaha.

Fumbling through motherhood

2007-05-28T14:38:00.000+03:00

Well, it has been 7 weeks and one day since I had a baby. I have attempted to write posts about the experience but have never been able to finish one, usually because the baby wakes up and interrupts me. She has been sleeping now for almost three hours, which is amazing for her to do during the day. She will probably wake up now that I am in the middle of something more important than making food. I just finished preparing a quiche for dinner tonight and making a banana cream pie, which I have never done before. I had to make the crusts for both from scratch which I did this morning when she was sleeping. I have had a productive day in that I have been shopping, made pie crust, made the quiche and the pie. This is a lot to attempt in one day. I have even done all the dishes. I am exhausted now, needless to say and instead of catching up on sleep I am writing.
Motherhood is not what I expected. To be fair, I was a mother already to Emil but it is a completely different experience to mother a child of 5 than it is to mother a newborn baby. I haven't had a good night's sleep since she was born, although really, the discomfort started in my eighth month of pregnancy. I am really feeling the isolation. I miss so much more my friends and family in Canada. It is hard here, to be all alone and not have people to call to back you up. I still hate living in Israel with a passion. David has been called up to go to the army and if he can't wrangle himself out of it, it will be hell. He will probably only have to go for a week, but that is a long time when I have a baby and Emil.
Chaya is a crier. She cries a lot. At first I thought it was colic, but now I am not so sure. I was reading about some babies just being like this. She cried from the moment she came out, almost as if she was voicing her dissatisfaction already at her living conditions. I don't blame her really. Nothing is as I thought it was going to be.
I am also feeling post baby fat. My body is chubbier than I have ever been and it grates on the self esteem. I barely have time to shower during the day anyway. I miss being able to take my time in the bath, do my feet and nails and shave my legs. I eat on the go. Like I used to when I was a waitress. Gulping down food. No time to enjoy it. It isn't so fun. I thought that a baby would be easy, in that they are supposed to sleep all the time and just wake up to eat and be changed. She does that sometimes, but she also has a couple of fussy periods where she just cries like I am hitting her. I am afraid to take her on the bus to Jerusalem or on the train anywhere. I am afraid that she will start to scream. She does have more periods of wakefulness, where she is happy and smiley. It melts my heart when she smiles. There really is nothing better than seeing her little lopsided, gummy smile. Sometimes I miss her when she sleeps and I want to wake her up but then I am afraid that if I wake her up she will scream, so I leave her be.
I am addicted to facebook. It has been nice to reconnect with some old friends. I have enjoyed it.
Anyway, a quick update on life with baby. I miss everyone.

Beautiful Dawn

2007-04-06T10:57:00.000+03:00

I just have James Blunt's song in my head and I hate thinking up titles for these blogs. I had a terrible sleep last night. I dreampt twice that someone was trying to kill me. I think it is because we saw a true crime show before we went to bed and also on One Tree Hill last night, Peyton's stalker was trying to kill or rape her and it was like one of those stupid Horror movies where the helpless girl keeps running through the house while the psycho guy never dies no matter what. I have gotten into that show, but it is so unrealistic. However, Thursday nights I have a full tv schedule as after One Tree Hill is the latest season of the OC. I also like Ugly Betty and Desperate Housewives. And now Grey's Anatomy and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
So I am at 38 and a half weeks. The baby could come any day now. I wake up every morning with sore hips and ass. It is super uncomfortable to sleep. David and I switched sides last night on the bed cuz we wanted to leave our door open and the light from Emil's bedroom was bothering me. I think that is another reason I had such disturbing dreams. We are going to Haifa tonight to his sister Miri's for shabbat. We have spent a ton of time at other people's places this week, due to Passover. I hate matzoh. On top of it all, I felt sick this morning and was in the bathroom for like half an hour throwing up. It was awful. I woke up at 4 in the morning hungry so I got up and ate matzoh and hummus. I don't know if the cramps I feel are gas pains or contractions. At least if I go into labour tonight, I will be with David's sister who has 4 kids of her own. The baby can be born in the same hospital that David was. It is so weird that the baby could come at any moment. I had a moment of excitement the other day. I was lying in bed and thinking about the fact that the baby could come any time now and I had butterflies in my tummy. Like the feeling you get on Christmas eve, as you're waiting for Santa to come and deliver your presents. It is exciting.
We had 6 teenage girls here for two days, ranging in age from 13 to 19. It is so amazing to see teenage girls again. They spent an awful lot of time in the bathroom doing their makeup and hair and picking out the right outfits just to go to the market in the afternoon and then retouching in the evening to go to a movie. These are religious girls too. I was never like that as a teenager, spending hours and hours on my appearance. So it is strange for me to see that. I still am not like that. I have the shortest nails because I keep picking them and could use an eyebrow plucking and a pedicure and manicure and facial and mustache waxing. I had done what I like to call housekeeping when I was in Canada, but now it is 3 and a half months later and I feel like the unibomber. Oh well. What the hell, I am married. Who needs to look good??? Just kidding. I used to like to do all these things for me and only for me. I still do. David never says to me why don't you cut your hair or get your nails done or blah blah blah. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am and even more so since I have been pregnant. I think he is delusional, because I don't feel so beautiful. Most of the time I am too tired to put make up on, and stuff. Yesterday I did my makeup and hair. It was like a miracle!! I kind of miss it. Plus it is harder to reach my legs to shave and other grooming stuff...
So this is just an update. Hopefully the baby will come soon so I can report on the birth...
Love
Me

Baby baby baby brain

2007-03-29T09:47:00.000+03:00

Wow, It has been almost a month since I have posted. Now there are only two and a half weeks left until the anticipated due date. My stomach feels huge. Sometimes I pass by a window and see myself and I can't believe that this is me. It is strange. The baby still likes to move and sometimes it's movements hurt. I don't think there is a heck of a lot of room down there. But when I feel the movements, sometimes I can clearly feel a heel or a foot. I feel like someone in an alien movie where a hand is coming out of the belly.
Next week Passover begins, so I have been cleaning the house slowly this week in preparation. It hasn't been so bad, so far, but I still have the kitchen to do. I am glad that this is getting done now, though, because this means that the house gets and in depth cleaning before the baby comes. I know that I won't feel like cleaning like this after birth...And David is not the best cleaner. In fact, yesterday, I was cleaning our room and I managed to get down on my knees to look under the bed and found some missing socks and underwear (that is suspicious, when your husband's underwear mysteriously disappears). Apparently he thinks that under the bed is also a closet. And in the closet he had thrown balled up jackets. It is beyond my understanding how he can take the time to ball up his jacket and throw it on the floor but to hang it up nicely on a hanger seems to take too much time out of his busy schedule. So my idea of organization and perfection will have to take a back seat when the baby comes. When I came home from Canada, the house was in disarray. It looked nice on the outside, but the cupboards were all askew and it wasn't really clean...I spent my first week home organizing everything. I also did some more in depth cleaning and organizing then as I had terrible jetlag. For a week I was waking up at 3 and 4 in the morning. So I put the hours to good use.
I find that it is hard now to think of much else, other than the imminent arrival of this baby. I have baby brain.
Although throughout this pregnancy, I have been visited by memories of my past life. I don't mean a past life in the New Age sense, I mean past life, before I got sober. Past boyfriends, past experiences at the bar. The other night, I asked David how he used to pick up women at the bar. He isn't really the type of guy that I can imagine using seduction techniques to do so. At least he isn't with me. Maybe that is because we are married, I don't know. I just can't believe that in a few short years, I have gone from major party girl to staid stay at home wife and mother. It seems bizarre. I cringe sometimes at the thought of the person I used to be. I wish now, that in my youth, I had respected and loved myself more. I want to teach my children to love and respect themselves. That this idea that sex is some kind of free, physical act to be used as a way of proving your self worth is bullshit. I want them to value themselves for their minds. I want them to value themselves for their morals. To respect themselves and their bodies. Maybe this whole thing with Britney Spears going wild and ending up in rehab is a good thing for the world's young girls. To see that that behaviour only lands one in trouble. Too many of the world's female icons, whom the young teenagers idolize use sex and partying as a way of proving their value as women. I don't think it ever works out. At least not in my experience.
Must run, as I hear Emil making a mess in the living room.
Until next time.

Back to Baby

2007-02-27T13:37:00.000+02:00

I took Emil shopping yesterday to buy him a purim costume. He got superman. It's got a cape. And a padded chest giving him a six pack. David says that he (David) doesn't have a six pack, but rather a keg. Funny. Anyway, I took Emil to a baby store as I wanted to look at things for the baby. I still haven't bought anything for it. Partly from superstition but yesterday, standing there, thinking about making a choice, it got so overwhelming. Emil was picking out toys for the baby. How about this one? How about this one? Things that the baby wouldn't be able to use for at least two years. Cute. But for me, standing there, trying to decide which onesies I should consider and what about swaddling blankets and burping cloths and all of those things, I just couldn't make a decision. I left the store feeling so incompetent. What right do I have to be a mother when I can't even make a decision about what clothes to buy for this child? I really wished my mother was here. That is the thing about mother's, they can help you decide what to buy. Tell you what a baby needs and be there with you as you pick things out. My mother and sister have sent a package of things for the baby, but I still need to prepare here. I wish she was here. It doesn't seem that we will be able to bring my mother here for the birth either and it is really hard to feel so alone. It would be different if I had other women who have experienced all of this here in my life. But I don't. At least not anyone that I feel comfortable talking to or asking for help from. This isn't how I imagined being pregnant or having a baby, but unfortunately this is the situation. So, I plow forward...
It is getting harder to sleep now at night. I have terribly vivid dreams, sometimes I dream about ex boyfriends, like I am working through old relationships in my dreams. I am so hot at night, I wake up sweating. Last night there was a mosquito in our room and it bit me three times. I had to cover myself back up to make sure that I wouldn't get bitten more, especially on my feet, where the bites tend to swell and get infected. I have scars from mosquito bites all over my feet now. It is gross. I am exhausted all day and when I try to nap, I can't. For some reason, sleep eludes me during the day. I am hungrier now too. The other day it felt like I spent the day, eating, sleeping or going to the bathroom.
I am 33 weeks pregnant. If I carry full term, that means that there is just 7 more weeks left to go. I long to sleep on my back. After I came home from the mall with Emil yesterday, I noticed my feet were super swollen, so I had to lie down and wait for them to get back to normal. My stomach is bigger and I am having trouble shaving my legs and other areas...It is such an adjustment, all of this and it isn't going to stop, is it? I feel nervous sometimes, as I am afraid that I won't be a good mother, that I am too self centred to think about being responsible for someone for a life time. I think that I don't know enough to do this. All of that stuff. And it is crazy, as I have worked with children for many years, from 6 months to 6 years. But I am much more comfortable with it being a job. There is less pressure. I could come and be fun for 6 hours a day. Then go home and rest and come back the next day to do it all again. I know how to prepare nutritious meals for kids and how to discipline children age appropriately, I know how to change diapers and make a bottle, I know the songs to sing and the games to play. But I don't know what to buy my baby so that it can have clothes. It's nuts. I miss my mom.

Not My Problem

2007-02-25T11:45:00.000+02:00

I have had some disturbing comments regarding my last post. At least disturbing to me. And I want to comment on the latest comment that was posted. The reader said, and I am quoting "I think the girl was initially smart to try and just say she was British and that is a secular Jew's choice..." "I think she said that is self-protection mode."

The fact is, her answer "I'm British" didn't satisfy the group of girls, now did it? The young girl was STILL beaten up. Just like the Jews of the Holocaust who tried everything to appear not Jewish, they were still rounded up, put in ghettos and then taken to camps and exterminated. People who were 1/4 Jewish (meaning they had ONE GRANDPARENT who was Jewish but were raised catholic, christian whatever, were also rounded up and put in camps. So this so called "assimilation" doesn't work, does it? Jews are still targeted and it is getting worse. Thousands of Jews are fleeing France for Israel, I have met many of them in my town here in Israel. They say the situation is bad there for Jews, and is getting worse. Denying where you come from doesn't erase the fact that Jews are always targeted. Look at the news coverage from the Lebanon war this past summer. I watched CNN and FOX News. I saw the way they covered the war. There was very little coverage on how the war was effecting Israel. It was mostly what Israel did to Lebanon. They didn't show the empty towns in the North, they didn't show the 25 people living in a 3 room apartment in the south of the country. They neglected to mention the fact that three months before the war started Hezbollah was firing rockets into Northern Israel and they made virtually no mention of the two soldiers kidnapped by Hezbollah at the border. They didn't interview the soldiers' families, who, by the way, are still suffering without news of their children. And for the soldiers, Hezbollah wants Israel to release Arab Prisoners. The last time Israel did that with Hezbollah, the soldiers were returned DEAD.
I will admit, I don't like living in Israel. Last night, David and I were lying in bed and we heard what sounded like an explosion. We both were convinced that it was a bomb. And we never get bombs in Ashdod. That is one of the perks of living in this little southern town. I have missed some trips to Jerusalem over the last couple of weeks because of the rioting happening with the Arabs regarding the building of a walkway to the temple mount. I don't like living in this state of constant stress and danger to my life. Everytime I go to Jerusalem, I phone David as soon as I get there and before I am about to get on the bus to come home, so that he knows that I am safe. He tells me to be careful, sit in the front of the bus and if I see anyone suspicious, tell the bus driver to open the door. Not so I can run off, although that is a good idea, but because the reason so much damage can occur with a bomb, is because it sucks the air out of the enclosed space and people end up dying of asphyxiation. He learned all this in the army. Israel has its own problems politically and I fear for the survival of the state of Israel. There is a lot of infighting among Jews as well. And this country, Israel, was created as a safe haven for Jews, to come and live and not HAVE to pretend that they aren't Jews. So that they could be proud of being Jewish and could walk the streets safely without fear of oppression. And for the most part, they do walk the streets proud of being Jewish. It is a relief for many people to come here and to be able to live openly and proudly as a Jew. But it doesn't stop, just because they are in Israel. Now there is the terrorist threat from all sides, Lebanon, Syria, Jordan and Egypt. Each arab country has it's own terrorist organization trying to do harm to Israel. Then there is Iran.
The fact is, that Jews in North America live in a bubble. Especially in Canada. We are very free to be what we want to be, to practice what we want to practice. So we become apathetic about the problems in the rest of the world. Why should we get involved? That is our mantra. If we just live our own lives and mind our own business, we won't get hurt. But do we not have some sort of social responsibility towards others and ourselves?

The reader went on to say "I think the issue is more complicated than you give credit and can't be conflated with all of hate and racism." I am sorry dear reader, but if someone is hurting someone else based on the color of their skin or their ethnicity it is called racism, which, according to dictionary.com is a form of hatred.

I will post the definitions of racism here:

1. a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.
2. a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.
3. hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

I think the issue is not as complicated as you would like to believe and that is just another way of saying "There is nothing I can do about it, since I can't think of who to write a letter to about this in a politically correct fashion"
The North American way, to write a letter.
And dont' forget to be politically correct.

Updated Ultrasound

2007-02-14T12:57:00.000+02:00

We just came home from an ultrasound. The baby is now a little over 3.5 pounds. It did not want us to see it's face, apparently. It is upside down in my uterus already and the ultrasound lady said that it will probably not change positions as now there isn't a lot of room for movement in there. I notice that when it moves, I can see it now on my belly. I have always thought that it was lying crossways, so I am surprised that it is upside down. But we got sort of a profile picture today and it's nose has gotten longer and less pug, more like my nose than David's now. I was hoping for the Malul nose. David keeps saying that the baby looks like momma (his mother) but who knows? I can't believe it is my baby in the picture. It is a little unreal still.
I am excited about the birth now. I just want to see my baby. Hold my baby. Feed my baby. I have gained 28 pounds so far. And believe me, the size of my knockers tell me that I could feed Ethiopia with milk. It is incredible!
I wonder if Anna Nicole Smith was breastfeeding before her untimely death? Can you breastfeed if you have implants?
Anyone have an answer for that?
I feel a little shallow as I am talking about a baby all the time. Today I saw something on CNN which enraged me. A 12 year old girl was the victim of an antisemitic incident in the UK. She was attacked by a group of girls on the bus. ON THE BUS! They beat her up ON THE BUS! I don't understand. How is it possible that a little girl is sitting on a bus and subsequently attacked and nobody does anything to help her? Even if there was no one else on the bus, how about the bus driver? Now, I am not sure what transpired other than the beating on the bus, however, they did say that she managed to get off of the bus and get help. The girls asked her "Are you British or are you Jewish?" She answered British. They repeated this question numerous times. She repeatedly answered British. Now here is the quicker, these girls who beat her up, were black (what is that? African British?) and Asian (Asian British?), so she was beaten up by other minority groups.
What I found sad with this particular story, other than the fact that it was a 12 year old girl, beaten up by other minority groups and not helped by ordinary citizens is the young girls answer.
British. I am British. Not I am a British Jew, but just simply British. This is 2007. Why are we, as Jews, still hiding our identity? Anti semitism has permeated our own souls, so that we are so intent on "assimilation", we refuse to acknowledge our identity. We refuse to be proud of our identity. Would it be a bad thing to identify ourselves as Canadian Jews, American Jews, British Jews? The Asians are called Asian Americans, Black People are African American, Indians from India are called Indo Canadians in Vancouver. But we, as Jews, prefer not to be recognized for our uniqueness. In fact, so many people don't even talk about the fact that they are Jewish. No, we are not instantly recognizable on the street, like Asians, African Americans, Indians Native or Eastern, unless we wear payas and kippas and long black coats, but why shouldn't we be? Have the cossacks and Nazis won? Have we let them dictate to us that we are bad? That we should blend in and no one will know? If you were in the United States, let's say, California, and an African American was approached on a bus and asked "Are you an American, or African?" What would the answer be? My guess is that it would be African American. Not just one or the other. You know, the African Americans, have many countries where they can trace their ancestry, Africa, South America, etc, Asians, from Asia, East Indians from India and all over that area, Muslims, as we know have many countries and where do the Jews have? Now we have Israel, a country that they fought for and continue to fight for. And are constantly vilified in the media for. Are we going to be able to keep this country? Or will we lose it and once again be stateless. It's not right that we should have to lose our identity in order to blend in to modern day society. Stand up and be proud that you are Jewish,people! Remember, some of us fought hard to be and remain Jewish. Teach your children to be proud of who they are and where they come from. I was asked at my conversion a question which I have been pondering for awhile. They ask Converts questions such as this: "There are people like the Nazis who would want to kill you, what would you do?" In my smart ass thinking before the conversion I thought, you know what? The Nazi's would have put me in a death camp anyway, because I am half Jewish anyway. But they asked me "You are moving to Israel and there are people who will want to kill you there, if you were asked to renounce Judaism in order to save your life, would you do it?" I said "You know, I have worked so hard for this, there is not a chance that I would do it." OK, I knew that was the right answer and the answer they wanted to hear. And now, one year later, and one year of living in Israel, the answer is even more vehement. I am proud of what I have done. I am proud that I became a full fledged paper holding Jew. I am proud that I will raise my children as Jews. And I will teach them to be proud of being Jewish. I want to teach them to keep kosher, which is hard if we aren't living in Israel, I will teach them to observe the shabbat, because really, is it such a huge sacrifice to abstain from watching TV and listening to the radio or talking on the phone or cooking for 25 hours a week? I will teach them to value the essence of Jewish spirituality by going to synagogue and looking for the beauty of the prayers and psalms. Because really, as much as the various denominations of Judaism will argue about religion, this is all a part of who the Jews are. As Human Beings, we say we don't like the structure that Orthodoxy imposes, we don't like that it is patriarchal, we don't believe in G-d, we live in a modern world, how can we live like people on a shtetl, why should we make ourselves more noticeable or differentiate ourselves from society? Well, why not? What is so bad about this? Why is it so bad to be "different". In North America, politically correct is the mantra. We don't call blind people blind, we say "Visually impaired" we don't say deaf, we say "Hearing Impaired". We teach our children not to stare at people with disabilities and to practice acceptance of people of other races, but then we tell our children, "Don't be NOTICEABLY Jewish, don't wear a kippa everyday, don't wear "shtetl" clothing." Isn't that a double standard? Is that fair? We are who we are, we come from where we come from, stand up and tell people, "I am Jewish and I am proud of it." Say "I'm a Jew, Are you? We're here, and there, get used to it!"
Love,
Me.

Awakenings

2007-02-07T06:49:00.000+02:00

It's 10 minutes to seven in the morning. Usually I am not awake at this time, but I woke up at 5 and haven't been able to get back to sleep. But now I am getting tired. Emil is still sleeping, which is unusual as he normally wakes up at 6/6:30. But he went to bed late last night as he is now in this extra class twice a week after school where he is learning thinking and learning strategies. The teacher is very impressed by him and says he has a spark for learning which just needs to be nurtured, and with such nurturing, he could go on to be very successful. How is that for pressure at 6 years old?
Emil also got an award for being the best behaved kid at school last week. He was very proud of himself for getting this. I told him that I loved him last night and that I was very proud of him. He told me that he loved me, even when I put him on the naughty chair, he loved me. I think this comes from a period of time where he would think that I didn't love him when I was upset with him or if I put him on the naughty chair. I told him and have told him repeatedly, that I will always love him and that I love him no matter what. It is cute when they use things back at you and it shows that he understands what I am saying, the idea that I love him all the time. This, I think is more important for me than for David, as I am still the newcomer in his life and even though he loves me and trusts me, I think there is still a part of him that doesn't know if I am really going to stay. And he is still getting to know me. He's such a great kid.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Just a monthly check up. I have to go for another urine test and an ultrasound, just to check that the baby is growing normally. I have now gained approximately 28 pounds, which is incredible to me. I only gained 1 kilo in Canada, and since I have been home (a month) I gained 4 kilos. Technically, 28 pounds isn't so bad, as the reccommended amount is 25 to 35. So, if I can somehow manage to only gain 7 pounds in the next two and a half months, I will be fine.
I am starting to freak out about organizational stuff. David and I still have to decide on a hospital where to give birth. There is a hospital in Tel Aviv that is a private hospital, but it looks so nice, but I don't think that I will do it there, due to financial constraints. We also need to find a birthing class. David has this superstition that we can't buy anything for the baby before it is born, this is his side's superstition, which is adding stress as I am thinking of all the things we will need immediately, like a car seat and clothes and diapers and wipes and blankets and stuff like that. His sister said that I can buy clothes for it but just not store it in my room. But then, I feel like if I start buying things now, it is bad luck, as I am only 7 1/2 months pregnant and there are still 2 and a half months to go...My superstition.
I watched I Am Sam last night. It was on TV. I didn't cry because I knew the ending, as I had seen it before, but I really felt like crying. I am super sensitive these days, especially when it comes to relationships between parents and children. I can't get the movie out of my head though. I just keep seeing the kids face when she was with her Dad. That little Dakota Fanning! And Sean Penn did amazing work in that movie.
Well that is all for now folks. I want to wake up the boys.

Shavua Tov!

2007-02-03T20:11:00.000+02:00

How do you translate from Hebrew to English? Impossible with trying to sound the words out phoenetically!
We had our friend Gidon and his family for shabbat. He has five daughters and Tami, his wife, brought her mother with her. Tami's father died two months ago and so her mother is now living with Tami. She is the only child. That is what happens here in Israel, when one parent dies, the other one moves in with you.
They are a wonderful family and I feel as if they are my family too. In fact, we are now related, as David's niece married Gidon's nephew, so technically, we are related...How does that work? Distant cousins through marriage?
Shoshi, their 17 year old daughter is going to New York tomorrow so I have given her a shopping list for Starbucks Coffee and more Body Shop lip balm.
I have been trying to get a hold of our lawyer again, albeit unsuccessfully. I am getting very frustrated. I long to be back in Canada.
The wind is fierce here tonight. It is rainy and stormy. The doors in my apartment are not very strong and always slam closed in the wind. It is very annoying.
Gidon and his family are still here, not having left after shabbat yet. They are all watching TV and his five year old daughter is watching TV in my room so I am on the computer.
Emil is asleep, he has school tomorrow and is exhausted as I let him stay up til 8:30/9 o' clock last night. He is so not good at staying up late, he just gets so whiny and grumpy. I bumped up his bedtime til 7:30 as he was taking a long time to fall asleep but I still think that is too late. He wakes up so early. I have to sleep til 9 or 9:30 as I don't tend to fall asleep until midnight anyway. My internal clock is late.
Anyway, this is just like a blog of nothing tonight, just a way to pass the time before I get to the TV!
Night.

Back Home on the Range

2007-02-02T10:17:00.000+02:00

Well, it has been a month since I have been back in Israel. I haven't been very good at blogging. In these last couple of weeks I have been horribly emotional. I am crying at the drop of a hat. I was never a very good crier before, but lately, it doesn't take much to make me cry. I would suspect that it is depression, however, I got an email from a friend of mine, who is also pregnant, due about two weeks after me and she also has been feeling quite emotional, so I am going to guess that this is all hormonally related. Wow, that's all it took to express emotions? I should have done this years ago! Just joking.
I would like to mention that when I was in Vancouver, I spent a very lovely morning with my friend Abby. We met in university and in fact, she is the only friend I managed to make during my my one and one eighth semester attending UBC. She was very sweet back then...She still is. We went for a lovely brunch at the Naam, where I had pancakes and veggie sausages. I was obsessed with pancakes in Canada. I also got to see Abby's beautiful house. I was very impressed and very glad to see that there is a bedroom waiting for me and the baby to come and visit!
(You see, Abby, here you are!)
Anyway, I have to run as we are having guests for shabbat and I woke up really late this morning. Actually, I woke up at 6, because Emil came into our room to wake David up and I flipped over in my sleep and put my hand over the side of the bed and he grabbed it and then he crawled into bed with me for a cuddle. And I couldn't get back to sleep for awhile, but eventually did and now I am running late!

James Blunt

2007-01-10T13:56:00.000+02:00

well it has been almost two months since I have blogged and I don't even know if any of you are still reading this. I will send everyone an email, maybe, so that you are aware that I have updated this blog. Because really, my friends, I am only doing this for you...
Just kidding.
I saw James Blunt on Oprah today. I know, that episode in Canada probably aired six months ago, but they are sadly behind in Israel...Anyway, I have fallen in love. He is so adorable and funny and cute. Maybe he thinks pregnant women are hot. He is now on my top 5 list of musicians I would marry in a heartbeat. He has the distinct honor of being the only one under 65. And one of my top 5 is a muslim! (Cat Stevens) Please don't alert the conversion authority.
James Blunt's songs are so heartfelt. So vulnerable. That is why he probably is hitting the music world so hard. We aren't used to the vulnerability like that in today's world. Yet we are all looking for ways to learn to be more open, more vulnerable. I think we think too much about it. I don't know.
So, I am now visibly pregnant. I know I was a little in Canada, but it is evident now. I went to a wedding the other night and everyone who saw me told me mazal tov. It is amazing how fast my belly has grown in the last month. It is like everyday I wake up and my stomach is bigger. David said to me this morning that he thought my stomach had grown since last night. I told him that it was just because I had bad gas and my stomach was bloated. I don't know if your stomach gets bloated when you are pregnant from gas. But he believed me.
I put on my outfit to go to the wedding the other night and when I looked in the mirror I was shocked. Up until this point I have been able to "hide" my pregnancy if I wanted to. But now, it is impossible. It was kind of weird to put on my clothes and look into the mirror and see a big belly. This is a really interesting experience for those of us with major body issues. Most of the time I am okay with it, but every once in a while I get a shock. I am just glad that it is growing and getting bigger. The baby moves a lot now. Every day. Especially after I drink a coffee in the morning. Or after I eat. Or when I rest.
I have the worst gas, worse than I have ever had. The other night I farted in my sleep and apparently it was so loud that I woke David up. I think that's funny.
You know, I don't care how old you get and how hacky it is, farting is ALWAYS funny.
So are burps.
I have been having some very vivid dreams lately. I had them earlier on, and now they are coming back. And sex dreams galore. You would think that I am a single pregnant woman with no chance for sex. Not true. Obviously. I am hoping though that some of these sex dreams will be about James Blunt now. I will listen to his CD over and over again today and let you know what happens. Although I won't tell in detail. A lady never reveals her sex dreams.
David is being so cute (speaking of sex dreams...) I have been going to bed before him since I got home from Canada. The jet lag has been hard to get through, although I think that I may be through it. I can now pretty much stay up all day and go to sleep at 10 and sleep until the morning. I am waking up once in the night to shift position or go to the bathroom or whatever, but I can go back to sleep, as opposed to when I first got home and I would wake up a couple of times in the night and then between 3 and 5 I was finished sleeping. This morning I woke up at 6:30. That was nice. I like getting up that early, though, because I can be awake when Emil wakes up and he is so cute first thing in the morning. And then I get him dressed and give him breakfast and get him off to school. And it isn't so rushed for David. Hopefully I can keep this up. It will be a better schedule for when the baby comes, not so much a shock to the system, maybe.
Anyway, I was going to tell you how cute David is being. When he comes to bed at night, he always feels my stomach. And in the middle of the night, he puts his arm on my stomach. Last night, I think he thought that I was sleeping, and I was, but he woke me up. He was touching my stomach and then he bent down and kissed it and put his ear to it for a minute. It was really adorable. I am really lucky, as I have a husband who is so looking forward to having this baby and he is excited about all aspects of it. He loves that I am getting bigger, prompting me to suspect that he has somewhat of a pregnant woman fetish. He buys me food and last night he came home with chocolate cake for me, as that is my favorite. The name we have chosen for the baby has real meaning for us. This baby has really brought us closer together and it is a gift from G-d, that is for sure.
Now the next hurdle is getting my mom here for the birth. And picking a hospital. Taking a childbirth education course, so I know how to give birth properly. What did women do in Laura Ingalls' time?
A

Spirituality versus religion

2006-11-20T22:34:00.000+02:00

It's been awhile since I have posted. This is like journal writing and it has been awhile since I have kept a journal. Don't know why. Just haven't for a few years. Yesterday I was in Jerusalem and did step 3 with my sponsor here in Israel. The step is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of G-d as we understand him". I did it at the Kotel (Western Wall). What a priviledge to do it there. I hadn't been there in awhile. It was nice. I had listed all my fears on a piece of paper and all the things that I want and I put them in the wall. It is like a wishing well. I have a g-d box, here at home, I have had it since early sobriety. When I have fears or worries, or things that are too big for me to handle or wishes, I put them on a piece of paper and put them in the box. It is like a physical act of handing it over to G-d and it usually lessens whatever I am worrying about. Doing this at the wall was a similar sort of exercise. I needed to get rid of a few worries. I felt amazingly relieved afterwards. I am starting to be reminded that my whole purpose in life is to strive to live a more spiritually balanced life. I love judaism and I think there is an abundance of spirituality within it. However, I think the lines get so blurred at times with the neverending laws. I see it a lot here. There is such turmoil within the orthodox and secular communities, one side demanding that there be no religion and the other side demanding laws be kept. So much confusion. I was thinking the other day that when Jews are in the diaspora, they classify themselves as Jews and are looked at as Jews by themselves and by others. Here is there is a distinction between religious and non religious, ashkenazi and sephardic, russian or european, morroccan or ethiopian. People here have forgotten why Israel was recreated. A safe haven for JEWS to live, a return to the country that we all come from. We are all Jewish, children of Abraham and Sarah, children of Hashem. It doesn't matter what country we came from in the diaspora, this is not our home, Israel is. It is where we hail from. Not the diaspora.
Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Anyway, there is so much infighting here as well as the fighting between the arabs and Israeli's. So much corruption and dysfunction. My fear is that Israel won't survive as a country like this. I want to be spiritual. I want to enjoy my religion. I want to be close with Hashem. That is what I need. I don't think Hashem cares whether or not I cover my hair or wear short sleeves. I think he has his preferences but I don't think he will reject me if I drift away from his wishes. That is the beautiful thing about Judaism. Once a Jew always a Jew. And it is pretty hard to break that relationship.
I am getting a rounder belly every single day. I am 19 weeks pregnant. This is about half way. I don't feel terrible and I am glad. I am getting excited about meeting this child. I wonder what it will look like, what color hair and eyes it will have, what it's cry will sound like, everything. It is pretty amazing to know that I making things everyday and I don't even know that I am doing it. I got What to Expect when you are expecting today in the mail from my sister and peppermint foot lotion from my Dad from the body shop.
I was exhausted today, having gone to Jerusalem yesterday. It is a long day for me and it is becoming more and more exhausting to do something like that. Last week we went to Haifa for the day from 9 in the morning til nine at night and I was exhausted on Friday. So this morning I just bummed around in my pajamas all morning. I have an Old Navy hoodie that I like to wear, which I bought last year for David, but he never really got a chance to take to it, as I stole it pretty much. It is super comfortable and perfect for the weather right now as it is starting to get cool at night. In fact, it is downright cold at night, which is really nice. I get to snuggle up to David underneath my duvet! Which in fact I am going to head off to do...

Some days are good some days are stressful

2006-11-09T12:10:00.000+02:00

I had a chaotic and annoying day, or to quote a line from a book that I read when I was about 6, I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I woke up to my electricity having been cut off. This was odd. I asked David why he thought this might have happened and he said he didn't know, that he was positive that he had paid the bill. I, however, was having doubts, as I don't remember receiving a bill from the electricity company, although, I can't be sure, since I can't read Hebrew and wouldn't know the name of an electricity company if I saw it. David made contact with the electricity company and we owed them money. 8 months worth of money. He went there and pointed out that we had never received a bill from them, to which they said, we know, we forgot, you owe us 2000 shekels. That's about 500 dollars Canadian. We paid it. I was livid. Only in Israel would a company forget to send you a bill. It was also frustrating as it is one of those moments where you really feel the limitations of being an immigrant in a new country where you can't read, write or express yourself the way you would like. I am pretty responsible with bills and never in my life have I had anything cut off as a result of non payment. This one was not our fault, however, except that we could have phoned the company, which I would have done if I hadn't trusted David's claim to have paid electricity before. Then, when the lights came back on, I wanted to connect to the internet, however, I could not, as there was something wrong with it. So I proceeded to call the internet provider, which is something that I do know and I managed to get someone to make an appointment for a technician to come here today to fix it. In the meantime, I figured out what was wrong, so I was able to tell the guy exactly what the problem was this morning when he arrived. It was something that I couldn't fix. Then, at around 5 o clock, a man comes to my door to tell me that I need to pay my gas bill or he is going to cut it off. I was, as you can imagine, by this time, about ready to have a nervous breakdown. You see, sometimes, we get bills for things in other people's names. Such as city taxes and the like. Sometimes, I ask David if it is for us, an account where the name hasn't been switched and so forth. So when it looks important, I ask him. Now, with the gas bill, it was coming repeatedly and never with our name on it. So finally I asked David if it was ours and if we should pay it. He said yes. So on October 25th, I went to the bank and paid the gas bill. Once again, an outstanding bill, but it was paid and that was that. So when this guy came to my door last night to tell me to pay the bill or he will cut off the gas, I almost hit him. He asked if I had the receipt and frantically I went looking through my desk trying to find it. Couldn't. He called the company and they didn't have a record of payment. FINALLY I found the receipt and he looked at it, said ok and left. I later looked at the bill and realized that I had paid it on October 25th. This is two weeks later. I certainly don't understand how it is possible that in two weeks a payment hasn't gone through. I need to call them today to check this out. OK, this is partly our fault, for not paying on time, but Holy hashem! What is with this place? More than two weeks for a payment to go through, bills that are not sent? It is insane. I spoke to an Israeli about this last night and she said "What, in Canada this never happens?" I have NEVER had Telus, or BC Hydro FORGET to send me a bill. NEVER. This puts one more piece of evidence on my list of how Israel is a very disorganized and inefficient country. Personally I think that is why this country has so many problems. They can't get it together. Anyway, this isn't a political blog...So this morning, determined to do something to destress, I called a place where I had heard that they have massage. It is an office next to my doctor's office and the last time I was there I asked the secretary what it was. She told me massage. So I called this morning to schedule an appointment and miracle of miracles, I could come right away which I did and it was so good. And massage is so good during pregnancy, right Jen? And he was very good at it. I feel much better. I could just imagine how tight my muscles must be after 9 months here with barely any exercise but incredible amounts of stress. And, you know, it isn't even that expensive. 4 massages for less than 100 dollars. That's pretty good. My goal today is to call this place where they have yoga and talk to them about what classes they offer. I would like to go to yoga at least once a week. I am learning that if I persist, I can find someone that speaks English or French combined with the Hebrew I know and I can get by. So wonderful! Now I must go and pick up little Emil from school, come home, and clean for shabbat! Happy Thursday dear friends!

2006-11-05T23:45:00.000+02:00

Here is a picture of our baby at almost 17 weeks old BB (BB stands for before birth). We were at the doctor tonight and had the ultrasound done and we got to see all of the baby. We saw it's heart and lungs and liver and kidneys and it's head and legs and hands and feet and and spine and everything. It is just so amazing the technology that there is today. I am just so amazed. I think the baby looks a lot like Emil. Anyway, we are both thrilled David and I and very very excited. It gets more and more real every single day. It weighs approximately 6 ounces now. It is big!!! Takes after its father's side...
Hahahaha.

Missing Everyone

2006-11-02T20:56:00.000+02:00

Was so sad today. I think I am having the moodswings that I didn't get in the first trimester. I was cleaning the house for shabbat and feeling ever so frustrated by the dirt, dog hair, pee on the floor from a 5 year old and I just started crying. I couldn't get my internet to work so I had to call the internet provider and battle my way there and while she was asking me to check things, I accidentally unplugged the phone and we got cut off, so when I called back, I had to go through all the Hebrew choices again and then I just pressed 0, which is my foolproof method of getting through to someone who speaks English and then finally I was put through to someone who told me that they had to get someone to call me back and in the meantime, I cleaned. Emil's room, which for some reason is like a sandbox, this kid is a magnet for sand, I don't know why. Then the bathroom. I was having trouble with the hot water again, as we turn off the hot water heater at night because it is heated by gas and it is expensive to keep it on all night. I had this same problem last night, I just wanted to take a bath last night. I am suffering from sinusitis, so I thought that if I took a hot bath, it would help me. But there was no hot water and when I figured out what was wrong, why it wasn't heating up, it was 9:30 at night, so by the time I got a bath it was 10:30 and I was so frustrated as there wasn't even enough hot water to fill up the bath to a good depth and I was exhausted and I just wanted to go to sleep, but I took a mini bath. Then this morning, after the crap with the internet and feeling frustrated as I feel like we are living in limbo, just waiting to come home and nothing feels organized in the house, I just started to cry, missing my Ikea furniture from home and hating this apartment. I miss my oriental rugs and my Ikea duvet cover which I can't get here, because they don't have the color I want at the Ikea here. I ran out of Tylenol, imported from Canada, which was also a bad thing, because it is the only medicine that helps me when I have a headache or sinus pain and you can still take it when you are pregnant. I went to the Pharmacy tonight and asked for something that you can take when you are pregnant and they gave me acamol, it is supposed to be the same as Tylenol. I hope so. I also asked for something for my sinuses and they directed me towards some homeopathic nose sprays that are for children. I have both of the ones here that they reccommended, as we had gotten them for Emil. I used one and sprayed it into my nose and lo and behole, my nose pain and headache are gone. It seems like as I soon as I started converting, my sinuses started acting up. I wonder if there is a connection. I have had many problems with my nose too, since I have been in Israel.
I miss home. I miss my friends an awful lot. I think of all the things that I had planned to do when I was pregnant, prenatal yoga, prenatal exercise, etc. They don't have those things in Ashdod. I may have to brave Tel Aviv. But yesterday when I was at the doctor, I found that there is a massage clinic there too, so maybe next week I can go for a massage. That would be great. But mostly, I just miss my life. I miss talking to my girlfriends on the phone, or going for coffee or walking out and running into people I know. Going to meetings when I needed to. My Jewish community. Most days now, I am okay, but every once in awhile, I just get sad. That is why it means so much to hear from you guys. Really.
I miss you.

2006-11-01T12:41:00.000+02:00

Well, I went to the doctor today. I am 16 weeks pregnant. I was concerned as I had had some bleeding last week after a night when I had done something private with my husband...The doctor doesn't seem to be overly concerned but on Sunday I am going back to the doctor who gave us the 3D pictures for more tests and I am to ask him about the placenta, where it is sitting. If it is too low, it is called placenta previa and that could be why I bled. But she checked and it seems that I have blood on the outside of the cervix, which is not a big deal, I guess. In the meantime, David and I have to refrain from sex until I see the other doctor and we can determine whether or not the placenta is low. I told David, that this child is already ruining our sex life...And making me worry constantly about it...
I am still pretty tired. I seem to need a lot of sleep. This morning I woke up at 8:30 because I had the doctors appointment today. That means I had about 7 hours of sleep. That just isn't enough anymore. I am pretty tired now. I am making soup for lunch for Emil and I and I am also going to have a grilled cheese sandwich fried in a pan to go with it. I notice that when I get hungry now, it starts as a pang and then it gets crazy ravenous in a very short period of time. The other day I went to get my hair highlighted and it took 2 and a half hours and I didn't eat before I went and I was starving for the whole thing and all I could think about was leaving to go eat. It didn't help that the hair salon is right next to a pizza place and hamburger joint.
I have gained about 7 pounds from the beginning. Actually, I have gained 7 pounds in the last month. That is incredible. My stomach is definitely puffy now and it looks pregnant to me. It is kind of cool. But hard for someone who had struggled with self image problems all her life. That is why I went to get my hair done. I also got my eyebrows and mustache waxed too. It did help until I saw my stomach...Oh well, I will hopefully get used to it.
I am thrilled to have maternity clothes now. It is so much more comfortable. I still need to buy more. I went last week to a mall where I had never been in our city and where the only maternity shop that I am aware of is located. It was nice. Emil helped me pick out the clothes. I also bought a nursing bra, it was the only maternity bra that they had. It has lessened the pain of my breasts.
I am becoming more and more forgetful. Today I went to the doctor and my name wasn't on the list and I can't figure out if it was my mistake or theirs. I am pretty sure my appointment was for today, but I may have mixed it up. This is now a possibility. I am usually so good at remembering thing. Not so much now.
I have been watching Starting Over, we get all the old episodes. One of the girls, Josie had a baby and it does not look pleasant. It freaks me out. David just laughs when I tell him I want to keep the baby inside and let it be born from my head. I say I am going to just cough and it will be born, no pain, no trouble. It is scary having a baby. I told David that he has to be in the room the whole time and he doesn't get to leave for smoke breaks or anything! That's it. When we first met he said he wouldn't want to be in the room for the delivery, part of it had to do with Jewish law, but there are loopholes to that law and ways that you can still be in the room and be there. So he WILL be in the room, whether he likes it or not!
Well, that's the update on the pregnancy for now.

Fear

2006-10-17T23:18:00.000+03:00

I have been watching a lot of shows on TV lately that all seem to have to do with giving birth. And quite frankly, they scare the hell out of me. I am starting to get worried. Worried about giving birth, because it is going to hurt. Also, so many things can go wrong. On one show, Starting Over, they have a girl who is due to give birth any day now and she had a tour of the hospital. At the hospital they showed her the OR, where she would go if she had to have a ceasarian. It freaked me out. They strap your legs and your hands and they do the operation and all they give you is an epidural. You are awake watching while they cut your stomach open. It was too much for me. I came out of my room, and told David, that's it, this baby is staying inside. I am not letting it come out. If it wants to come out I will give birth from my head, like Zeus did with Athena. I can handle a bad headache, but something coming out of my vagina, or watching someone cut me open, so that I can see parts of me that I am not meant to, that's not my idea of a fun evening, afternoon, or morning. I don't know. The fantasy of having a baby is a lot more romantic, I think than the reality. Whenever I envisioned myself with child, I imagined being pregnant and wearing overalls. I imagined holding a baby in my arms and walking quietly with it to its bed. I imagined me with a one year old. I have never imagined myself giving birth and moaning like a mating cat. I have never imagined myself staying up all night to comfort a crying baby. I always got the best part of parenting while working as a nanny. I got to go home to my quiet apartment at the end of the day and rest up before having to do it again the next morning. Now I am not going to have that option. I will be responsible for it 24 hours a day for the next 4 years. Until it is old enough to go to preschool. I worry that I am too selfish to have a child. I worry that I am not organized enough. I worry that I haven't researched this issue enough. I worry about not knowing how to make homemade baby food. I know how to do the essentials in childcare, I know how to change a diaper, I know how to hold a baby, I know how to rock it to sleep, but do I know enough to be a parent? Do I have enough selflessness inside of me to be a parent? Am I stable enough emotionally to give unconditionally to another human being? I don't know.
On the other side of this, my sister had a baby a year and a half ago and the birth was very traumatic for her. First, she gave birth a month early and secondly she was told that her son has down syndrome. She was devastated by everything. She is the best mother, she really is. And he is a great kid. He has a wonderful sense of humor at only 16 months. And usually a kid with a great sense of humor is a sign of a happy kid, which is a reflection of how the parents are with them. I am proud of her. Now she is pregnant with her second and she is worried. And I think she has good reason to worry. This is not imaginary. The first time, she didn't know enough to ask the right questions and now she knows a lot and it is hard for her to decide what the right steps are for her to take. I had a miscarriage before this baby. It was very traumatic for me. I felt like it was a punishment from G-d for having had a termination when I was 20. And it was so painful to go through, here in Israel, with no one to hold me and comfort me. I felt so alone. I prayed for that pregnancy. I prayed hard for it. And I lost it. It is such a strange term in english. I lost the baby. Like it was my fault. I put it somewhere and couldn't remember where and I lost my baby. In Hebrew, the phrase for a miscarriage is to fall out. This baby fell out of me and there was nothing I could do about it. And now, I am so worried that this baby is going to fall out of me. I don't know when I am going to stop checking for blood. Every cramp or pain scares me. Every none pain scares me. I try to trust but I am overly cautious about certain things. And then what has happened is that I have dreampt for so long about being pregnant, now I am scared to death. I am 14 weeks today. About 25 weeks left to go...

FAT

2006-10-13T15:32:00.000+03:00

I am getting worried about getting fat. All these years of worrying about my weight and trying to maintain a healthy weight and then losing weight to be healthy and attractive and now I have to let go and forget about all these worries. Slowly, my clothes are shrinking and I can no longer comfortably fit in to some of my skirts, as well as my shirts. I am most comfortable in my Victoria's Secret lounge pants and a man's tank top. This is my favorite outfit at night. By day, I have a pair of shorts that I bought here and the tank. Today is Shabbat, and it is harder now to find a comfortable outfit. It is okay, really, because in Israel, I don't go to synagogue so I can wear what is most comfortable for the house.
David and I have a running joke. He asks me if he is fat. At first I would say "No, honey, you are not fat, you are cuddly like a Teddy Bear." Then one day he asked me and I said "Did you ever think that if you think you are fat, it is because you are?" This is a call back to my first marriage. Once I asked Brian if I looked fat and that was the response that he gave me. It was a mean spirited thing for him to say, at a time when our relationship wasn't going well. Which happened to be from day 60. I wasn't fat. I wasn't even chubby. He was just mean. I explained this answer to David, who actually laughed. I guess the male sense of rationale will always be misunderstood by women. So this was my answer for a few weeks to David, as he asked me if I thought he was fat. Then one day, just for fun, he asked me if I thought he was fat. I said simply "Yes." This brought him to tears, as he laughed. Okay, our method of joking could sometimes be perceived as sick by the outside world, but to us, we understand one another. That is why I love David. Because on the inside, we understand each other. We have the same past which gives us the same way of thinking, which can cause disagreements but also gives us a sense of comfort.
When I ask David if I am fat, he always tells me that since I got pregnant, I am more beautiful. And he really means it, that is the amazing thing. I am barely showing to the outside world, my chest is bigger and my stomach is bigger, I look like I have just gained weight. I am clumsier, I have broken 4 glasses in the past week. But for the moment, I am content. Serene. I don't know. It is nice to feel like this finally and not tense and stressed and angry. Acceptance is the answer to all our problems today. When I focus on the problem, the problem gets bigger and bigger but when I focus on the answer, the answer increases...
Shabbat Shalom.

Onions

2006-10-12T23:26:00.000+03:00

The other day, I was at the mall, browsing. I am in the music store, looking at DVD's - I am trying to find Memoirs of A Geisha, haven't seen it yet, when all of a sudden, I smell something horrible. Like rotting onions. There is this girl beside me and she STINKS! So I move away, but it's like she's coming after me and raising her arm right next to my face. I wanted to tell her to go and buy some deoderant. And the thing is, it is like she was stalking me, every store I went into in the mall, there she was, right beside me. Wreaking. OK, I get the natural thing, not wanting to pollute your body yadda yadda yadda, but there are natural deoderants, man. Buy one of them. I get that maybe she just forgot that morning to put deoderant on, but the drugstore is in the mall. Buy a new one. Put it on, and the whole world is happy. I am against not wearing deoderant and for some reason, there are a number of people in Israel who don't wear deoderant. I just think that we should think about other people. If we don't want to wear deoderant for ourselves, than do it as a mitzvah for others. I have a much more heightened sense of smell now. Do it for me. That is air pollution. She should have been fined for emitting toxins in a public place, as for that matter, should people who fart in elevators. Or Superstore (and you know who you are!).
I would like to give birth in Canada, although I have a very good ob/gyn here. She is very nice. I would like to move back home. I am still not in love with Israel. I even miss the rain. We do want to come back. We are waiting for the visa. I should write the play, Waiting For A Visa...Not Without My Husband. Maybe I could smuggle him to Turkey...

Sore breasts and Sore Ribs

2006-10-11T01:35:00.000+03:00

My friend Abby suggested that I start a pregnancy blog for my friends who are far away. That, of course, would include everybody!
I am still exhausted all the time. This doesn't seem to be going away yet. My boobs are sore and I did a calculator for my bra size and apparently I am a 34F. It can just get worse from here...
I haven't really felt pregnant yet, since I haven't had bad nausea or vomiting or any other of the things that you hear that so many women experience. I am lucky. But now I am starting to feel pregnant. Tonight, I was doing a yoga exercise and my belly kept rubbing my legs. That has never happened before. I would like to say that it is because I am so flexible that now I can reach that far down, but, that's a lie. My clothes are getting really uncomfortable now. Most of them are too tight. It is time to go shopping for new ones. I can't, however, find the maternity stores. It seems to be an Israeli secret. Just like so many other things in this country.
We went for the nuchal translucency test the other day and got 3D pictures of what the baby looks like right now. It was amazing and it really made this whole pregnancy a lot more real. For both me and David. The baby's not so pretty right now, looks like it is the child of the elephant man, but I am sure that will change...I hope. We also saw it move. In one picture it looks like it is waving at us. So cute. We go for another one in a month. It will be interesting to see how much it has changed.
David is being really sweet since we went for this ultrasound. Tonight he gave me a massage. He made dinner last night and the night before and let me rest all day.
I miss my Mom. And the rest of my friends in Vancouver. With all your prayers, dear friends, perhaps, I will be able to deliver in Vancouver. Keep your prayers going and fingers crossed (is that goyish?)